Hoping for Reconciliation after being Separated...

[jp787]

[quote=chasingpavements]I still wonder about a few things. He seems to be quite worried about this whole process of moving forward. What I take from it is that he is worried that we will move too quickly and end up where back where we started with the same problems.

His counselor is telling him not to rush things, and not to make quick/rash decisions. Something tells me he wants to move back but is holding off due to what his counselor is telling him. I told him it is probably best that we take our time and do the counseling and just ease into things by him slowly moving back.

He tells me he is constantly thinking/worrying about things that are going on with us. He is still at his brother's apartment. He has been trouble sleeping because he is worrying about things. Also, he has a lot more time to think about everything when he is over there, because he is alone and not much is going on. It makes me wonder if he is worried about making the right decision. Hopefully the better things are between us the less worries and doubts he will have. My DB coach told me to just re-enforce positively with him that we can be fixed.

I am a little confused by all of this. Am I doing the right things? I think you are on track. As your DB coach said, re-enforce positively with him that it can be fixed, but… Don’t fix it  Be there to listen and validate. I know I constantly look/say things for reassurance from my W and it is a form of anxiety for me. I have anxiety and look to her for reassurance. The thing is if she gives it to me all the time, it feeds my need for it, maybe this isn’t something you and your H do. It gives my W the impression that I am not sure, but for me it is a way of getting the reassurance I crave, from her which is not healthy.

[labug]

I have some old abandonment fears that resurface time to time. I'm pretty good at recognizing it for what it is but it can still be disturbing. Your H has to figure that stuff out for himself.

I would go very slow and let the moving come from him when he's ready. You have a whole lifetime in front of you.

[chasingpavements]

jp, it's hard but I am going to stop looking to him for little reassurances along the way. He is slowly opening up to me now after months of him distancing himself. This is a huge step for him. I need to count my blessings right now that things are moving forward.

He is actually showing me a lot of positive signs that he is opening up/warming up to me. For now I am letting him do all the pursuing. I guess I am doing the "aloof but available" thing. If he reaches out then I reach back. When we first started dating he was more of the "pursuer". I guess I will give the lead back to him again!

Labug, I definitely still have some abandonment fears as well. I feel I am not on solid ground. It is only recently that he has said he wants to work on the marriage, so I am a little wary right now. I almost just wrote that I am feeling the very cliche, "worrying that the changes won't last"!! Isn't that a WAS line? Oops.

I get small triggers here and there in our conversation where I start to feel antsy, worrying what he meant by something he said and worrying that he truly wants to work on things. He talked about getting his own key to his brother's apartment he is staying at. My heart started racing, like why does he need his own key all of the sudden? Is he planning on staying there forever?? Ah!

[melissag]

CP, you were so kind to respond on my newbie thread, so I wanted to come by and check out your story. It is great to read hopeful stories like yours, and I am so happy for you that things are looking up. I know you are probably terribly nervous about all of this, but it sounds like you are keeping a level head and doing a great job of making sure that you do it right. Hope things continue to go well for you!

[lovethehub]

I get small triggers here and there in our conversation where I start to feel antsy, worrying what he meant by something he said and worrying that he truly wants to work on things. He talked about getting his own key to his brother's apartment he is staying at. My heart started racing, like why does he need his own key all of the sudden? Is he planning on staying there forever?? Ah!

CP, haven't read your thread in a while, this is great news. I understand being nervous, however, there are never any guarantees (as you know!) either before or after BD. The benefit you have now is that you are aware of the issues in your M, you are both actively working on them and you have grown as a person.

As for the key, don't put too much thought and worry into that. You have told him you want to take it slow. You aren't throwing the door wide open and saying "come home now" so it only makes sense for him to have a key to where he is staying whether he will be there one more month or 6 months or whatever. How inconvenient would it be to live somewhere and not have a key? Maybe before he didn't want one because it would have felt permanent to him and now, it doesn't and he wants the convenience? See? Two sides to each issue!

He tells me he is constantly thinking/worrying about things that are going on with us. He is still at his brother's apartment. He has been trouble sleeping because he is worrying about things. Also, he has a lot more time to think about everything when he is over there, because he is alone and not much is going on. It makes me wonder if he is worried about making the right decision.

When he says something like this say "What exactly is worrying you?" and then listen and validate.

That is where I have a lot of learning to do as well! I am so used to defending my point, and I think that has really hurt my marriage. I think it is the reason for him closing himself off to me. Pretty hard to feel connected to someone when you can't even talk to them! Hopefully I can improve how I communicate with him and that he will eventually feel he can come to me to talk about things.

I used to do the same thing and it is probably the biggest reason our R took so long. What I have learned is that, if I really listen and understand H's point, most of the time I no longer care about defending myself. I have learned that, even if I don't agree, it is still H's experience of that situation and by defending myself I am telling him his feelings are wrong. I usually just listen and validate; apologize if I feel I need to and move on. Sometimes, if I feel he is off base, I may talk about my feelings on the issue but without defending. I usually say something diffusing first, like "May I say something?" and then I wait for him to say yes. It shows I am not angry, defensive and ready to bite his head off. Many times, I don't even feel the need. I shouldn't even say many times because as I have learned to do this, the times where either of us needs to defend ourselves have become rare.

If H does something that upsets me, instead of getting angry and yelling about it like I would have in the past, I wait until I am not as emotional and then go to him and say 'Can we talk about such and such?' Then, instead of saying "YOU" followed by a blasting about what he did wrong, I say "When x happened, I felt x". It works so much better!

[chasingpavements]

thanks lovethehub

CP, haven't read your thread in a while, this is great news. I understand being nervous, however, there are never any guarantees (as you know!) either before or after BD. The benefit you have now is that you are aware of the issues in your M, you are both actively working on them and you have grown as a person.

Looking back now, I realize that I needed to go through what I am going through now in order to be in a better place now. It is all getting clearer now. As we are slowly reconciling, things are getting better. And not better as in the same as things used to be. I feel we are on our way to being closer now than we ever have been before.

You're right that the key is that we are recognizing our problems and working on them. Before we used to just hide our problems and hope they would go away on their own. We are getting better at communicating things when they are bothering us.

I used to do the same thing and it is probably the biggest reason our R took so long. What I have learned is that, if I really listen and understand H's point, most of the time I no longer care about defending myself. I have learned that, even if I don't agree, it is still H's experience of that situation and by defending myself I am telling him his feelings are wrong.

I am slowly coming to realize that as well. He has the right to his opinion and I am trying to understand that and see things from his perspective.

-cp

[chasingpavements]

Journalling,

I have been having a rough (emotional) past few days. We planned it out that H would stay over on the weekend for a couple of nights. I was really looking forward to it. Saturday H wasn't feeling well and the day kind of dragged on. It was rainy and dreary outside and we couldn't do much because of the weather and the fact that he didn't feel well.

Sunday came and the sun came out and the weather warmed up. I was excited that he was feeling better and the weather was better so we could spend the day outside as a family. We went for a wonderful fall walk as a family and I took some really great photos of our fall hike. I had a really fun time. H seemed to enjoy himself but seemed in a rush to leave as soon as we got back, which kind of upset me. I find having expectations are still messing me up.

I am back to work full-time now as of yesterday. I have only been at work for a couple of days but I am already feeling a little bit of stress and feelings of resentment. I am worried that I am going to self-sabotage our chances of reconciling. I seem to be having a bit of hostility towards H and I keep snapping at him and then feeling bad afterwards. I have been an emotional wreck.

I feel like right now all of the weight and burden is on myself. I work and then come straight home. He picks the kids up at school and brings them to the house. Some days he will leave right when I get home or else he will stay and help with them. Generally he stays to help for a few hours 2 or 3 times a week and then on weekends.

I am in charge of everything around the house, like packing lunches, making sure the kids homework is done, cleaning the house, making dinner and cleaning up, baths, etc. If I want to go out to do anything I either have to bring all 3 kids with me or get him or a sitter to relieve me.

I asked him if he could take them for an hour or two once in a while and he gave me a little bit of attitude about it. He says it has been hard on him too and he would like it if I would do that for him.. for me to leave the house with all 3 kids so he can have the house to himself. He doesn't like staying at his brother's because it is not his home. I kind of lost it on him saying that right now all of the weight is on me and I am asking him for relief and that instead he is burdening me with more things.

Today I suggested that he could stay for suppers since he is now coming by the house with the kids after school. He kind of gave me an excuse and then later told me that he just wants to take it slow, from advice from his counselor to just take some time apart so we can "miss" each other. I told him that I would have rather him just be honest with me than making up an excuse. I guess I am moving a little bit too fast. I am going to let him do the pursuing from now on.

I feel there is an unfair burden on me right now with me being responsible for keeping everything running smoothly and organized while he is off living at his brothers. I feel that I have resentment toward him for this and this is why I keep snapping at him lately. I need to figure out how to deal with all of this.

[labug]

I feel for you, it is hard to live with uncertainty.

But that's what we have to do and accept that things are never certain.

It helps when you know that you will be OK whether he stays or goes.

It's OK to feel all those thing you're feeling, not only OK but expected. The thing is to name them, feel them without judgment and let them go.

We also must accept that our Hs are going to have unsettling feelings, they are not always going to be in the same emotional "place" that we are. But can we open up a conversation about those things and each get our needs heard?

Slowly work toward getting him to be a more present Dad. Could you ask for a very specific thing, instead of leaving it open-ended? "H, I have an invitation for dinner with some friends, on Thurs night. Could you stay with the kids from 7-10?" And keep to the agreement-don't come home at 10:05 or 10:30. Be there at 10, thank him and send him home.

He expressed a need to you, how are you going to meet that?

[Not Quitting]

Hi cp

I know you were journalling, but a few things you said match my sitch exactly, so I felt I should comment.

We all have rough days. You'll be fine and you'll survive - you've come a long way already. And you're not alone in feeling resentment at being burdened with keeping the family going while your H is off doing whatever he wants to with no responsibilities.

I completely get what you're saying about feeling like your being burdened. Being a single mom isn't easy (and for now that is what we both are), especially when it's a role you've not chosen but rather had thrust upon you. It's a little bit easier for me as my son is old enough to leave home alone if I wanted to go out for a while, although it doesn't happen very often - and I wouldn't have to do that as my dad lives with us. Working full-time, then coming home to what is essentially a second full-time job can really take it out of you. And you're still getting into the routine of being at work full-time. It'll get easier.

I started by setting up a new routine where I only do laundry on Wednesday evening and Saturday morning, I do any housework either Saturday morning while the laundry is doing or one (two maximum) evenings and only in the evenings if I absolutely have to. Yes, my house might be a wee bit messier than it used to be (actually I'd prefer to say more "lived in", than messy) , but spending time on me and/or quality time with my son are more important than living in a show home. I've also managed to get my son involved with helping around the house, and my dad also helps out with the dishes and yard tasks.

Stay strong and keep up the good work you've been doing.

[lovethehub]

I asked him if he could take them for an hour or two once in a while and he gave me a little bit of attitude about it. He says it has been hard on him too and he would like it if I would do that for him.. for me to leave the house with all 3 kids so he can have the house to himself. He doesn't like staying at his brother's because it is not his home. I kind of lost it on him saying that right now all of the weight is on me and I am asking him for relief and that instead he is burdening me with more things.

I am sure it is hard on both of you. I know being a single mom is and I have also lived in someone else's home and it is hard to relax and have any true space of your own. I think the best thing you can do in this situation is tell H that you realize how the situation is difficult for both of you and make a deal - he takes the kids on Thursday night and on Saturday evening, you will take them to xx and he can have the house to himself for a while. Let him see that you understand his perspective and situation, and that you care about what he said and want to meet his needs - and that you need your needs met too!