Whether he loves his new apartment too much to want to come back and repair his marriage...
You can influence that by being a source of anger and shame or guilt and focusing on him and what he's doing and how he's affecting you, making it PAINFUL for him to be around you,
but other than that it's completely out of your control.
Let him figure his head out, give him space, and work on yourself, taking care of yourself, pushing yourself to learn and grow from this experience, ridding yourself of any bad habits you developed that you'd like to change going forward. A crisis can be a great spark for real positive change. Take advantage of it.
You can't make him want to come back but you can make him want to stay away. Focus on YOU.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Thank you so much for the responses! I am SO glad to be off moderation! It makes me feel a lot better to know that others have been where I am, and that I am not handling this as poorly as I think. I am sorry that the wonderful people here had to go through this, because it truly is awful - but it gives me hope to see that you have emerged as sane, rational, and happy people. (Not to mention helpful!)
Also, I need that constant reminder - I have to focus on me me me me me. Funny because I think that not doing that had a lot to do with where I am now. If I am being honest, I am focusing on me, but still looking for that positive reaction from H. (I feel like I have been really successful with the reactions I have gotten so far, and you know - they give you an inch, you want a mile!) I am hoping that I will slowly but surely stop doing that - it's a work in progress for sure.
Is detaching a conscious thing? I mean, is there any way to detach, or does it just happen naturally after a while of focusing on one's self and accepting that's all that can be done?
I am going out, doing things, even though sometimes I *really* don't want to. Trying to keep a PMA and stopping myself when I start to think about anything more than a day or two in advance.
adinva, thank you for the reminder. Thus far, I have been really quite good about not guilting H or being pathetic. In fact, I sometimes feel like I am letting him off the hook entirely. Painful as it has been at times, it has definitely put H more at ease. Hopefully when he is not here I will be even better at it.
PM, I will try to adopt your mantra . . . just need to start feeling more awesome.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I am going out, doing things, even though sometimes I *really* don't want to. Trying to keep a PMA and stopping myself when I start to think about anything more than a day or two in advance.
Taking it a day at a time is fine. You're still really new at this and it takes time to get to the stage where you can think further ahead. We've all had to force ourselves to do stuff when we didn't feel like it - heck, I had to do a family Christmas Day like nothing was wrong when BD was less than 24 hours earlier.
There'll be times when you just want to curl up and cry, or scream and throw things. Crying in the shower is really therapeutic, and no one can see you doing it either. Venting or just journalling on here will help as well.
As for detaching, I found it so much easier to start detaching after my H moved out. After that point, we both had our own space and I wasn't walking on eggshells all the time.
Both 50 S14 M 16 yrs (his 3rd; my 1st)
ILYBINILWY - 24 Dec 2012 H moved out - 27 Jun 2013 Legally separated - 6 Sep 2013 Closing the door and changing the locks
M - You are doing a great job in a very tough situation. This week will be really difficult for you.
Don't look at it as letting your H off the hook. I have struggled with this a lot. H is getting to enjoy the life that he wants, while I put on a smile and pretend like he did not crush my world. I have come to realize that I am not letting him off the hook. I am actually giving myself permission to not let H's actions define me and allowing myself to move forward. Hanging on the anger and resentment will not change your H and will only cause you to be more and more miserable.
I think that detaching comes with time. It will be easier once H has moved out. You will learn that you will be ok on your own with the kids and that will give you confidence. The more confident you feel, the less you feel the need to grab onto your old marriage out of desperation. One night I found myself laughing hysterically with the kids before bed, looked at their smiling faces and thought, we will be ok no matter what happens. I had been telling myself that for weeks, but this time I actually knew it in my heart. It has changed the way that I look at H and the way that I let his actions affect me. I still have setbacks, but I can feel things slowly changing. Just remember that it is not going to happen overnight, especially if you have to see H often due to the kids.
I think that you mentioned that you like to be in control and to fix things. I am the exact same way. Since I cannot fix H or our M, I has turned my attention towards finding things to help myself. I have been reading anything that I can get my hands on. It occupies some of my time. It also makes me feel like I am doing something. Try to focus your energy on you and just let you H be for now.
Thank you so much for the encouragement. The past few days have been very confusing. My H has started packing his stuff; my kids are asking questions that stab me in the heart; and H has been sleeping with me. He is not cold by any means during the day - we joke and laugh a lot and we are kind to each other. But there is little touching or affection. At night it is like it was when we first started dating and couldn't get enough of each other. We hardly sleep. Then we get the kids ready and he gives them hugs and kisses goodbye - just a smile and "have a good day!" for me. How does he toggle between this passion for me and then packing his stuff?
I am bracing myself for a tough night tonight. I am going to try to just enjoy and not remind myself that this is the last night. I'm not sure what else to do. Then I guess tomorrow it will all come crashing down. Ugh.
I know I have posts to respond to, but am on my phone right now - will reply later when I am home.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
trying to understand the why's and how's of their thought process will drive you crazy. its best not to try too hard.
detachment takes effort, when the thoughts creep into your head you have to push them out, replace them with healthy thoughts, which is why GALing is so important.
what you think about becomes habit, if you spend all your time thinking about something, then later your mind will go back to these thoughts without your control. you'll catch yourself thinking about it and not knowing how you got there.
and yes, it gets better. and yes, getting better takes effort on your part. but you're worth it, and the kids need you to be your best.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
NQ, OMG Christmas Day right after BD? I can't even imagine. I am seriously so impressed, reading through the threads on this board, with how strong my fellow DBers are! I have to say, none of this is for the faint of heart. I guess one upside to all of this is that I have found that I am stronger than I thought I was.
3bm, thank you for this: I have come to realize that I am not letting him off the hook. I am actually giving myself permission to not let H's actions define me and allowing myself to move forward. Hanging on the anger and resentment will not change your H and will only cause you to be more and more miserable.
That's a great way to look at things. I have been trying to remember that I have no choice but to go through this mess, and DBing, to me, is the way that I can feel most proud of at the end, no matter what. It's like I tell my kids - if you have to do something, you might as well do it gracefully instead of throwing a fit. I just wonder why is it human nature to throw a fit??
KenF - yes. You are so right. I need to stop trying to figure H out. I keep telling myself that - I have no idea what he is thinking, and there is no point trying to figure it out. I will likely only get it wrong. But, it's hard not to. You are right, I need to think about something else. Something positive. I should probably write a list to refer to - having concrete things in front of me helps in those moments where I feel just completely upside down.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I guess one upside to all of this is that I have found that I am stronger than I thought I was.
See, you've found something positive about your sitch already .
They say that you don't know how strong you are until you have to be.
A good list to make is the goals you're setting for yourself. A great boost to PMA is seeing how much you can get completed on that list - just remember to make the goals smaller as those are the easier ones to attain. An example would be like planing to lose maybe 5lbs by a set date, rather than every pound you need to lose by a later date for example.
Both 50 S14 M 16 yrs (his 3rd; my 1st)
ILYBINILWY - 24 Dec 2012 H moved out - 27 Jun 2013 Legally separated - 6 Sep 2013 Closing the door and changing the locks
H is moving out tomorrow. We agreed we would split the weekends with the kids. He isn't sure which night he wants. His sister is coming to town Saturday. He wants the first night at his new place to be just him and the kids, but he wants his sister to see them too (and they do love her). I am considering offering up both nights to him as a gesture of goodwill. Friday night I can go out with the girls and if he has them both nights, it will give me some time to organize (aka move some of my stuff into H's closet) and probably grieve too. I think it will be hard, but I think it would be nice to offer to H, as I think the "same old" would be me arguing for my own needs and controlling the situation.
Thoughts?
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
