hey everybody- thanks so much. i know- what a stinking "ride" this is.
half and half today. linda = i wrote you and e-mail but forgot to say- that at the end of the day- i's all total crappola. it doesn't matter what "they" think of us, our sitch, & our actions (or inactions) it doesn't (really) matter what h thinks of us, our family- or even (pretty mujch) ourselvwes.
the observation mwd makes in the "change yourlife & everyoe in it" book- that feelings are untrustworthy things to base our actions on is a valid one i think. they honestly do come and go and change daily, hourly, etc.
i can be in the pits of despair- talk to someone & laugh and have a totally "looser" slant in an hour, etc.
i can hear h's voice and "feel better" in a general, in life kind of way. i's good, it's bad- i don't know, he doesn't know, no one does. like everything.
part of my universal soul belief - either every single thing matters like mad - or every single thing doesn't matter at all. i'm leanign toward the latter in life.
aside from trying to be kind - to everyone &self- i honestly think alllll the rest might be total rubbish.
no kidding-
can't get more refined notion or how to convey it. it's all just junk that doesn't matter.
decide something big- don't decide - deliver ultimatum or wiver and waiver forever- what the heck does it matter?
i could go bonkers and spew "it al" rite out and feel really good doing it- ten minutes later i'll be suferin like a hound thinking i could have - should have- done better, held it in, chosen my words more wisely, etc.
seems with EVERYTHING - you get both- you get everything. there is no one big giant RIGHT thing. except like when you're fishijg that ikid out of the water and saving from drowning, etc. allllllll this play acting and interacting and bs going on in our daily lives- total CR@P.
SOOOO- what we do with that? idk- live today, have a laugh if we can find one- enjoy something pretty- go look around in garden and see what little things are doing what-
watch a tv show & blubber (did that already this morning) go watch last tango in halifax - last episode is a blubber-fest.
felt good Y bad. don't know- trying to just STOP THINKING AND OVERTHINKING EVERTY STINKIN THING IN LIFE.
THAT IS a bad idea - i do it- i'm ryin to stop it and just fly blind- trust what? fate, unierse? h? no clue. just trust &jump kind of thing.
okay- now that you thik i'm totally wacky here- life is too short and WE CANNOT KNOW WHAT WILL COME NEXT . that is that.
