PATIENCE PROMISCUITY AND PROFIDIOUSNESS

[cat04]

Your ego is very much the point. To say ego is a "man thing" is a sterotype and simply not true.

Stereo types are just that for a reason, it tends to hold some truth.

While a stereotype MAY tend to hold some truth, I believe it is a way for us to allow ourselves to hold onto ideas about people based solely on the sterotype instead of requiring ourselves to look at people as individuals.

When you remove the stereotypical thinking, you have to view the person. As they actually are.

And just like each and every MLC is unique, so is each and every person on this earth and they should be treated as such.

You also appear to have some control issues going on here.

Not every one feels the need to sugar coat their words.

Perhaps, however I'm sharing what helps me. I'm also sharing that I would like a bit more respect. I don't find what he wrote, at the end respectful. One can show compassion, respect and still prompt some self introspection.

There is nothing wrong with sharing what you need. If you want more respect, share that.

It becomes controlling when you attempt to dictate to someone how they should attempt to communicate that to you, unless they request that information.

What have you done, besides simply watch and wait for your H to come back home, to change your situation?

What have you done to step out of the victim mindset that you seem to have?

Wow, THOSE are two HUGE assumptions!

At this point I'm not going to defend myself, for I have written quite a bit on this board. Before you assume anything about my behavior, or thinking that there is a lack there of, perhaps a bit of reading on my situation may be of some use.

Something that you do not know about me is that I read every thread that someone writes before I ever post to them. I do not believe it is helpful to any situation to simply jump in and post. Just ask Pudmuddle, I have been back to her initial time here.

I do not make any assumptions without stating that I am assuming something.

I read your threads. I have watched you vacillate almost weekly since you have been here. I have seen you repeat the same sorts of information time and again.

About his prostitute use, about how often he calls or doesn’t. About the closet renovation. About your weight loss, empty nest syndrome, how needy your D’s are, how much you gave and gave up for your girls and your marriage…

Very few times have I actually seen introspection about things that you have done, that you can change, that you want to improve on for yourself…

I can go pull quotes to give you examples if you feel they would be helpful for you to see your cycle.

There is a difference between sugar coating and writing hurtful things. Many times things can come across very harsh at the wrong time. Prefacing goes a long way, and when someone is venting or in deep pain, being hit with a bat is not the best approach.

While it may not always be the best approach to be blunt, sometimes it snaps a person out of the spinning they are doing, even if it is momentary…

And sometimes that is necessary.

I don't want to bash you, however, [color:#FF0000]I can see some very glaring things that will stand in your way of every reconciling this relationship in a healthy way.

Wow! That comes across as I don't want to bash you BUT I'm going to bash you.

Followed by a very cryptic remark.

Wow, I have never been called cryptic before. Thank you.

I preface with “I don’t want to bash you” when I am aware that something I am saying could be interperated as not so nice.

It is an observation. My perception of what you portray here on the boards. If you are interested in what the glaring things are, I would hope that you would ask and then the brainstorming, etc that you say you would like can begin.

I am sorry you view that comment as a character assassination. For me it was a very general comment.

To me, a character assassination would consist of me telling you that I think you are a misguided person who wants to martyr herself. Or something along those lines. (I do not think that BTW).

I could say...have you always been so cryptic, and judgmental?

As I already stated, I have never been called cryptic and I do appreciate it.

As far as judgemental, while I don’t feel that I said anything that was judgemental, I am sorry if that is what you came away feeling.

I'm in turmoil right now, it is very fresh , and I've been fighting for my self-esteem, my marriage, my sanity, and yes working on myself e v e r y s i n g l e day.

I understand that finding the receipt was recent and the pain of that was fresh. I am sorry that you had to see that.

I do have to say that I agree with Mr. Bond though. The things that you said were AFTER the moment.

You spin on a regular basis. UR told you it will end when YOU choose for the spinning to end. She is right.

It is a choice that you have to make to begin to control your emotions, your thoughts, and your expectations.

NO expectations is DB101.

When you truly start practicing that, you will begin to level out.

[Ambivalent]

I deal with ocd, anxiety, and depression. Stress is a major trigger. If I could "choose" to let what is going on in my mind, and body to go away. I would have done that back in May.

I exercise, try to study, work, write write and write some more.

I try to gal. I've always had one. Lot's of interests and curiosities.

To get up and get in the shower is an event for me at present. I am taking stress vitamins, upped my Zoloft, etc etc.

I find hearing little things about the T. dinner as very painful. I'm trying to look at the past days with him as a positive.

The volatile state I'm in affects me greatly.

I thought I'd like him being around during the hunting season, that it would give me more chances to connect.

I find it is just not allowing me to let go. I am very confused and he is not one of my kids, where I could step back and allow them to fail or fall.

He is someone who I've invested my whole heart into. Someone who I've allowed into my most private realms. Someone who I've allowed to hurt me. Usually I can step back and say:
NO MORE ! I'm not allowing you to hurt me.

For some reason , I am unable to sustain that frame of mind for a consistent period of time.
I'm angry at myself, I'm feeling feelings I haven't felt since I was sixteen.

I don't share all that I've worked on, because I am a "just do it" person. If given a task, I go.

Perhaps I'm on here too much right now and it's bringing me down. I'm very empathetic and I feel a lot of pain.

I want the longing to go away, but then I fear if it does I won't love him anymore. That it will be over and I can not ever let him in again.

There is a part of me that says I'm crazy, that I should look back at what I've been through, and just run! I shared much in my marriage with the counselor.

She said that I have dealt with a lot of infidelity and broken trust. She said most counselors would tell me to cut my losses and divorce. She understands why I am trying to stay. I told her I didn't want to doom my D's to a divorce and what it would do to them in their future relationships.

She said I was incredibly strong for dealing with what I have in the past and current situations. I don't feel strong.

I feel like a stick of butter that has been left on the counter over night.

She also said I should set some boundaries, I thought I had .

I guess with the whole door thing , I allowed him to tantrum me into getting a key made.

Now he's telling me to make some money and start taking over some bills.

Part of me says I should do this, that it is a good thing to do. I want to contribute. My T. says to do what I can do for right now. That with the holidays, pt. job, and school stress, that may be too much.

This is where I am so confused.

I was the distance-r in our relationship. He tends to be the boomerang guy. This tears me up. The constant back and forth. It is also very tricky.

I've been reading the H's wife, and I guess this is a stage 0-6 months where I thought I had the strength, but I haven't built it.

The stress of the next few months are only going to get worse and I'm not handling it right now. I'm lost right now and can't seem to get my compass to work.

[MrBond]

"If I could "choose" to let what is going on in my mind, and body to go away. I would have done that back in May.
"

You can choose for it to go away.

[Pudmuddle]

Oh Ambiv, I'm so sorry to see you in such extreme confusion and pain.

My suggestion, and is only a suggestion, is maybe just start by taking one thing at a time. I realize you have quite a LOT going on right now that only adds to the extreme stress on you.

Since you are ocd, how about making a list of everything you must do and put your M at the very bottom. Your H telling you you need to get a job right now is not your priority in my opinion. Its what HE thinks you should do. What does Ambiv want right now? Starting with a list is a good way to get everything out that is on your mind that you have to do and when you start checking things off you will start to feel like you have are coming out of your hole.

It can be simple things that you can achieve right now. Like 1) Study for tests 2) take tests 3) Make plans for holiday (w/o H), etc, etc. Make it simple and achievable for the state you are in right now. It will help. I often did that during my deep depression, just to MAKE myself do something that I felt like I could do. One thing at a time, not all of it all at once as it is in your head right now.

Please know that a lot of us are here for you, love you and support you through this painful journey.

[PatientMan]

Making,

I just got back from school and I'm spiraling again. I broke down at school and I sobbed the whole fifty minute drive home.

I am having such a hard time again. I'm very overwhelmed and feel as though I'm sinking.

I have exams coming up , a final project, my husband is starting to pressure me about money.

The holidays are coming up, and last Thursday he told my youngest daughter , he doesn't know if he'll be doing Thanksgiving with us, due to the possibility of it being awkward. This was after we spent the time in the forest, prepping for the hunt. I don't get it...is it because of wanting to be with the "possible" OW?

He told her if he didn't do it, that she HAD to go. This just crushed me and I burst into tears again. I'm in such a depression, that I can't control my mood swings.

I'm now feeling terrified and I cannot stop the thoughts about if there is someone out there with him or whatever.

I think as long as you're feeling as though you are in such a state of disarray that you shouldn't make any huge decisions. That can be step 1. Once you accept that you won't be making any huge decisions (like confronting your H or ending the M), you may feel a little stress relief because at least the weight of having to make a decision should lift off of your shoulders.

But you have to be honest with yourself and tell yourself that you will not make any decisions while you are feeling so off-kilter.

I need help detaching , I am exhausted and I can't seem to let go.

This is your step 2: Detaching. It's the step that will take the most time to take effect and take the most diligent work, but the end result is worth it.

On the subject of detaching, there are two major components of it:

1) Getting off the roller coaster of your spouse
2) Not letting the sitch fully consume you

To detach, you have GOT to take the focus off of your H and put in on yourself. You have got to figure out who it is you are, who it is you want to be, and begin working to reconcile the differences between those two versions of yourself.

It is this diligent and intentional work on YOU that will help you detach.

And once you begin to detach you will see that your decision making ability will become clearer as you improve from this seemingly constant state of fragility and your mind stops trying to process every detail and possible outcome at light speed.

(It's entirely draining...I know, I've been there.)

I tried researching about if I should confront or not . If it was a good idea. I tried reading about OW and if they stay together or how long...

I am so confused, my emotions go one way, and another part of me says " why can't I let go, step back? " This is wrecking any self esteem I had left. I am feeling like a child , like I have no control.

I am beginning to feel desperate and clingy, and I NEVER felt that way before. Why do I feel this way... why can't I just get furious and push him away?

This pretending that it's okay to be friends is destroying me inside. I'm becoming a sniveling wreck , my confidence is shot. I'm constantly distracted, forgetting things, obsessing and I can't stop it.

When does this stop? When does the fear go away?

This stops when you begin to take back control of yourself. The first part of that is realizing you've had the ability to do so all along, and while you gave it to your H for a while, you have decided to take it back because it's quite obvious he hasn't been a good steward of it.

I want this to get better for you too. Are you on board?

-PM

[Ambivalent]

Thank you Pud, that does help...I'm going to do that now.

[Ambivalent]

Thank you SO much P.M

Yes, this is very helpful. I will write this down since my surface is not connected to printer.

I needed direction, for I am all over the place. I can focus better with lists and strategies.

It helps to decide not to decide. It does take immense pressure off. You are so right, making a decision in my present state is NOT good.
I may be feeling crazy, but I don't want to present as crazy.

And once you begin to detach you will see that your decision making ability will become clearer as you improve from this seemingly constant state of fragility and your mind stops trying to process every detail and possible outcome at light speed.

That is EXACTLY what is happening, and what my brain is doing.

Specifics with steps are exactly what I need. I'm feeling a sense of calm already...

To detach, you have GOT to take the focus off of your H and put in on yourself. You have got to figure out who it is you are, who it is you want to be, and begin working to reconcile the differences between those two versions of yourself.

Part of the challenge here, for me, is that one of H's major complaints was " feeling as if he were not important, an after thought ", and finances.

How does one separate that from reconciling what person [iI] want to be and who I am ? Do I not address this?

I want this to get better for you too. Are you on board?

Yes! You have given me tips on how to compartmentalize. I never could do this before, nor understand it. There is such a difference from a generalization and a step by step breakdown.

It is SO much easier to comprehend when under the overwhelming consummation of bombarding waves of emotion.

Thank you soooo much !

[LoisB]

This is what helps me Amba,

1. I'm powerless over what my H says, does, thinks and feels. Period. End of story. When I try to control the situation in ANY way, I become insane.

2. I believe God has a plan for me. I don't have to understand right now, but I believe there is something bigger than me running the show. I don't have that power.

3. For today, I will turn over my controlling nature and my efforts to control the outcome of all this to God or a Power bigger than me.

Slow down, breathe and spend time with your cat-if you have one. The totally know how to let go.

Heather

[RosaLinda]

I like your C's list a lot Amba. I can say H and I still have many of those things in our marriage, but are missing a lot of the BIG ones. Like truthfulness, faithfulness, passion. Those are biggies.

Heather, your list is fabulous and is how I try to live my life too, plus always trying to "do unto others." And I'm glad PatientMan's steps help you Amba. I don't have OCD, but do tend to spin when my H starts spewing, and wrote them down as a road map to detaching and getting into control of myself again. I already took a deep breath and decided that I do not have to decide anything right now, just in case! That is pretty freeing!

Thanks PM, that is why you are so awesome

[Ambivalent]

Thanks gals, it is very much appreciated.

Lois, did your H have an affair and did you confront ?

R.L. I see you are a wee bit older than I and have been at this longer. Is he still in your home? Did he bring up the A's or did you? How did you find out?

If it is too painful to discuss, I apologize to you both, I am trying to learn and understand.