I am posting my story in MLC because 1. There is no depression section and 2. I think my husband suffers from depression and a problem with handling life’s transitions. I originally posted in Newcomers and I am still on moderation, I haven’t had as much traffic as I’d like. I also want to re-write our story as clearly as I can. Sorry for the length. Our History Met in Aug 2007, I was 23, H was 24. He had built a (our) house and in Oct 07 I had fully moved in. Life was good. Then he lost his job (he builds houses, and the FL housing boom busted) and his best friend had to move in as a roommate. Things quickly disintegrated from there, and in April 08 he ending up having an EA. He never fully admitted that he did anything wrong, neither did she. I wrestled with my emotions until July 08 and then left him. I was done and cut off contact for 8 months. In that time he had met someone new, gotten her pregnant and they were to be married the first day of spring. How romantic (gag me). I knew all this because I had to contact him for an unresolved electric bill, utilities were in my name when we lived together. After that initial contact, contact increased, all initiated by him. I questioned his pregnant fiancé’s feelings. She was fine with him being friends with me, she was friends with her ex, and since he and I had so many similar interests she encouraged our friendship. Then she lost the baby and they broke up. My contact with him was still limited, but we decided to meet. That was March 20, 2009, the first day of spring (ironically) and we have been together ever since. It was not all rosy, and we argued and fought for a good 6 months about his previous EA . But things couldn’t have been that bad. I moved back into the same house I left 8 months ago, we adopted a dog, my Harley (at the time 5 yr old Doberman) and in Sept 09 we were engaged! I was on cloud 9. Whoever this man was I left in July 08 was dead and gone and this new man was here and ready to commit to me fully. I also got an apology for his EA. After a heated argument, he came to me, apologized for it and stated that his relationship with her was inappropriate and it wouldn’t happen again. That was all I needed. Before I left him, he completely denied that it was inappropriate and made me feel like a crazy person. We married on March 20, 2010 (first day of spring again!) in an informal ceremony at my parents. My father’s cancer had come back and he was terminal. H loved my father as much as I did. My father was No. 1 in my life and I loved that H and Dad were so close. If Dad approved, it was meant to be. Dad had never loved any of my other BFs, but liked or tolerated them. But H was the son he never had, and Dad was the father that H’s dad never was. We wanted to be married so Dad could see it. He vowed to Dad he would always take care of mom and I. Dad passed in June 2010. The last 3 years were perfect. Yes, ups and downs and fights and happiness all ensued of course. Sex was good/great. He loved me and all my imperfections and vice versa. We were best friends. We could not get enough of each other. Then it all changed. Fast forward to November 2012. We had tossed around starting a family, but we weren’t ready. We wanted to spend our money on us and focus on our lives as two people. Then his cousin’s baby mama (they already had one child) was pregnant again. They have no money, the grandmother bought a house for them, the child they have is not raised very well and is rude and ill-mannered. The grandmother suggested the cousin get a vasectomy even! These people should not have children, in our opinion. The mother is addicted to adderall and steals drugs. they should NOT be in charge of raising children. We were both upset that people who are not married and should not have children get breast fed off the teat of society when they get pregnant, but we will have to pay upwards of $500 for a decent health insurance plan with maternity. Then my best friend of 10 years also got pregnant. She has the same story as the cousin. Not married, although with her BF for 3 years, no money, no health insurance, mom bought her a house. Meanwhile me and my H struggle to pay our bills, save money for retirement, pay for insurance and still try to have fun. It seemed like all the wrong people were able, even helped to start a family, and me and H, who would be ideal parents, had to actually plan and not just have happy accidents because we would NOT be afforded gov’t assistance, while other people were handed houses and cars and maternity bills were paid for, we had to actually work for our life, and save for things we wanted. We became very self-righteous and judgmental people. I ended up abandoning my best friend who was pregnant, because the jealousy was too much. But I also became obsessed with planning when we could have children and how we could do it. My whole life revolved around babies. And we actually had a good plan, to start in 2 years, which was a year to pay off debt and a year to save. But I would not stop talking about it and I know that I acted like I hated my life because my husband wouldn’t let me have a baby. The major turning point was a suicide of a close friend of H’s. Bob died and he took my H with him. That was May 2013. Sex stopped completely. H was physically disabled by depression. H had also just started his own construction business and Bob was his main man for advice. He also had 2 very close friends move away, and lost the comradery that working with a crew of guys gives you. He worked by himself often. He became very lethargic, not enjoying anything he used to, very irritable, anything I did or said was wrong and started a fight. Basic depression, but would not get meds or therapy. Communication was nonexistent. He used to text during the day and call when he was out of work. Now I never got any call or text. It was like he hated talking to me. He spent most of our savings buying a small boat for us, but meanwhile I spend a measly $100 on 6 used lamps and 3 living room tables and it was the worst financial decision ever. When this first all happened, he was away on business and casually I asked if he missed my home cooked meals. He stated, No, and he was fine eating his grilled cheese and chunky soup. Yes he liked my cooking but he could do just fine without it and me! He couldn’t have just said yes. There was that rebellious, I don’t need you attitude MLCers get. Then my anxiety started, and I started all the wrong actions. Desperate actions. We know them, I don’t need to list them. He withdrew. On Sept 4 2013 we had our last blow out fight and decided to separate. Despite everything it was a very civilized towards the end. I berated H, begging him to just admit he didn’t love me or he wasn’t attracted to me or that he wanted out. He still to this day maintains that he loves me, he is in love with me and he is attracted to me. He has stated that he has no sex drive and even tried to “jog” it by looking at porn, which didn’t work. He said he doesn’t love himself. He also has stated that maybe he should just be alone. He wants to just be alone. He also stated that he doesn’t care about the house, the dog, he isn’t proud of the work he has done or the business he built. He doesn’t care about anything. He also promised that if we couldn’t make it work and we had to divorce, he would not “ruin my credit” and would help me buy a house, and he would still take care of me and mom because he had promised dad that. He also stated he never wanted to not talk to me or not be in each other’s life. This was all very tearfully said and I believe he meant it. I left the next morning and stayed part time with my mom and part time at his moms for one whole month. Communication was only via email or text regarding bills and dogs for a while. We had a couple of TV dates, hung out for about 2 hours, which were very awkward, but nice. Oct 5 2013 I moved back in, due to necessity. He was out of town for work for the first week I got back to house. At first I was upset, but then I was OK with being able to come back to my home and not have him around. Oct 13 until today—We are both back in the house together. I am in master, he is in guest room. I am DBing, LRT, GAL, 180, acting as if, and things have been good. Not back to normal, but better than they were. There is very little anger, and none directed at me. We have spent some time together. I am doing everything everyone on the BB suggests. I do not respond to his texts, if I get them during the day, which I do now, sometimes. I have been reading anything I can get my hands on. I don’t have much money or a social circle. I’ve gone back to church and started praying. I am on anti-depressants for my anxiety attacks. I spend time with the little family and friends I have. I've rekindled my friendship with my pregnant friend, who now has a beautiful baby girl, and am trying to make up for my actions by being a good friend and "aunt" now. Sometime I just drive around to not be home. I do not cook, or do any chores for him. Lovingly distant, that is what I am. He is somewhat affectionate, more so then before the separation. I get many hugs. I get complimented. We laugh and talk some. I listen, A LOT, which I usually do not do. He doesn’t ask me about my day or plans. I get hugged goodbye every morning though. That had completely stopped. He would literally roll out of bed, get ready and shout good bye from the door. We have had one fun outing, antiquing in the next town over. He suffers from anxiety of some sort when he is at the house for extended periods of time. He has spent the night 3 times at a male friend’s house, who I know. The first time I hid my feelings. I thought he was testing me. I said OK have fun bye! But the second time, it took me by such shock, I couldn’t. He asked over and over if I was OK. I said yes, and as soon as he left, started crying. Well he did an about face and caught me crying in the house. He told me (his words) “Don’t cry, I love you (!!!) and I am not abandoning you.” I said nothing, did not hug him back, but told him I was ok, as he left. The 3rd time I cried again, shocked again that he was leaving, but through my tears I told him I was ok, that I missed him and he said “I miss me too.” When I asked why he wants to go there, he says he likes to be alone and he gets anxiety at the house. I told him I hated being alone. He still left. The last time he went, he stayed a few hours and came back that night. I have told him it is OK if he needs to go. I have come to peace with his need for solitude and do not take it personal anymore. That brings me to this midlife or quarter life crisis theory I have. He has still expressed that he is still very sad. But many of my action oriented goals have been met. Goal #1: Be back in house by Thanksgiving- DONE actually sooner! Goal #2: Little to no arguments- DONE. we have not disagreed since Sept 4 discussion. Granted there has been no R talks. Goal #3: Have fun again- We laugh every day together. It is usually about small things, but my H is a joker, and we used to do funny voices and recite inside jokes to each other just to get a laugh. I admit, I had stopped laughing at our inside jokes, then he stopped smiling and laughing at me all together. Goal #4: Affection- This is slow also, but the hugs are more frequent and he asks me if I want them, I do not initiate. I tried initiating some physical affection in the car, I always used to rub his neck, but he didn’t really respond, so I stopped. But he has not brought up anything about us. I do not think he is having an A. I did tell him the last time he was planning to leave, that I do not check our phone records anymore. He asked what I meant, and I said, just what I said, I don’t do that anymore. He said that he was not seeing anyone, and I could if I wanted to. I told him I do not want to because that is something I want to change for myself, but I just wanted him to know. I feel good about that conversation. He has invited me a few times to go sit on his air mattress, I usually politely decline. I am in this holding pattern, and I guess I have to be OK with it. I want to know where we stand, but I guess deep down I know. If he was out of his crisis, he would come to me. If he felt better about life, us, marriage, he would come to me. He has expressed that he is still sad, he likes and needs to be alone sometimes and he misses himself (his old self). I am working on me, I see a lot of changes I need to make. I am an over-doer, a martyr type. Why don't you love me? I do everything for you! But yet, he never asked me to. I felt it was my duty. I worry about cake eating. Although I do no cooking or cleaning for him (I left his dirty dishes he made in the sink for 4 days, P U it stunk, but he took care of it!) or doing anything special for him at all. I have moved some of his things into his side of the house, and he took it as me being nice. I was doing it so he wouldn’t have excuses to barge in my room! But I didn’t tell him that, what good would it have done. He asked if I needed shoes, I said yes, he said we should make a trip to the mall. I brought it up again by saying I printed coupons from local shoe store. I was told, "Oh good, when you go to buy shoes, get me a pair, size 11 wide." Um excuse me? U don't want to fulfill any of my needs, you are confused about how you feel about us and are marriage, but you want me to still take care of you?! I will NOT be buying him shoes. The most disappointing thing is that everything I read about MLC is for 40-65, talking about working out, liposuction, dye their hair, new clothes and new toys. Of course we are much younger, and although my H doesn’t have the best body, it is not an old body. There has been no change in his dressing. He just wants to take care of himself, do what he wants, when he wants, with no one to control him and no restrictions and not have to worry about anyone else but him. I guess that means not making time for me if he doesn’t want to. If he wants to work all day all night, that’s his deal and I need to just shut up or leave. I think he is in the depression/withdrawl stage. I have seen the denial and anger...not pretty. But I am concerned at what to do. I have read somewhere about validation? Any insight would be great. And yes I need to do some more homework as far as reading the resources in MLC. I have only gotten to the tip of that iceberg. Thanks and God Bless
M:29/H:30 Met:2007 M 3/20/09 SEP 9/4/13 Back in house 10/5/13 H in Replay still DBing my heart out! Babies: Harley AKA Paw-Dobie 10yrs Timmy-Bunny 7yrs Dusty-Bunny 4yrs
Hi,I am sorry you find your self in this position. I know how difficult it is. I hope you can talk to a DB coach, as they will help you sort through the issues you are facing. There are ways to rebuild trust and communication and a coach will help you get on the right track and stay on it. You might also post a shorter post, in order to get more responses. Take good care!
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Well, Just had a talk with the H. He was leaving to go to his friend's house to spend the night. I asked him what we were doing here (as in us). He said he wasn't sure. We cried. It was a good talk for the most part, but he is still maintaining that our house give him anxiety, and place that he is for too long gives him anxiety, and that he wants to be alone. I told him that although I loves the house, I hated it, that I felt like I had no place that was my own. We talked about the future, and he "worst case scenario" (his words) if we have to D is to get me house, he would rent out our house, build a house in the mountains and rent that, because "this house does nothing for me, it doesn't make me any money." He also said he still had to figure out the business taxes and pay our debt before D. I asked if he wanted to get rid of me that quick, he said not at all. When I asked him about what he wanted for his future, he just said he wants to be alone, he likes to be alone and that was all he knows. He said he would always be there for me, but I told him he couldn't, that there were things I wanted out of life and I would have to move on. I meant as far as relationships, sex intimacy, romance. I didn't have to list them, he knew what I meant. I also told him that I felt in my heart that something was going to wake up in him and he would say to himself, Oh yeah that is that beautiful women I love and want to be with for the rest of my life. We laid on the bed and cried. He still left. I don't know what to think. I feel so lost. I told him I missed spending time with him. He said we would have dinner tomorrow night. I tried giving him options to move out, or me to move out, but it really isn't an option at this point. I miss my best friend. I miss my partner. I am not sure I am strong enough for this. I can't believe this is happening to me, to us. I thought we were so much stronger than this. I feel so awful.
M:29/H:30 Met:2007 M 3/20/09 SEP 9/4/13 Back in house 10/5/13 H in Replay still DBing my heart out! Babies: Harley AKA Paw-Dobie 10yrs Timmy-Bunny 7yrs Dusty-Bunny 4yrs
Well, after OR talk yesterday, I sort of had an epiphany. I realized I need some work with the acting As If and having no expectations. I thought I was doing good, but yesterday it hit me. I expected my husband to be home, or rather to not leave. I guess if I have any expectations, it should be that he is going to leave for his friend's house. He has anxiety that he needs to work through and he can't be in one place for very long. Also, my As If acting has not been so good. Before I left for church yesterday, I remember acting distance and snotty, not interested and loving but Busy. So I am trying a new As If. As If we are good friends and nothing more. I know that I've read over and over that this is going to be the hardest thing ever, but I just never imagined. I guess some baby steps have been met, as far as no arguing, and sometimes I can act AS If pretty good. One day I came home and the dog had messed in the house (he has been sick). I had a rude text stating that I needed to only feed him his dog food (no treats, biscuits etc) and that this was ridiculous. Good thing I didn't look at my phone! Old Me would have lashed out, because I HAVE only been feeding him dog food! How dare you assume, you aren't even here to see what we do anyways!! But I didn't. And when I got home, he was cleaning up poo, asked if I could help, he said no, but I started running hot water to mop the area anyway. He told me no more treats til his better (again assuming I was feeding them) and I calmly stated he has only gotten his dog food. A few minutes later, after I let him be, he came up to me and told me how nice I looked! That simple little mess could have led to an argument, but I averted the situation! Very proud of myself. But I think I got to cocky. I thought I knew all that needed to be done....I thought I had control of my emotions NOPE!!! One thing I am unsure about it one of my 180's. I usually always keep my (our) bedroom door open, even in the past. I like my room to be open to the home to hear what is going on out there. I started closing my door. I thought it was a good 180, it added mystery. I don't think I am right about it though. I think I am making him feel closed off and unwelcome in the house. See, I am running a strange line with this detachment thing, since the anger between us has subsided and we don't even argue anymore. Well since we've been in our home together we haven't. But I am wondering what gives him such anxiety about the house. I feel like my anxiety, and my lack of acting As If has caused some of his anxiety. I know I am projecting anxiety. I come home, if he doesn't shout out hello to me, I go about my business and then go straight to my room and close the door. That's how its been the past week, and things haven't gotten any better, not really any worse, but not as good as they were. I know, I have many ups and downs to go, but I would like to keep the up momentum! I will do another post about my Acting As If that I plan to implement in the house, or rather, how I plan to go back to my original one, as I seemed to have let it go and not even realized. There is a back story, and he did have an argument, it was something disrespectful that I did that I hoped he wouldn't find out about. OK Time to get ready for work! A lovely Chilly FL morning what a nice change!
M:29/H:30 Met:2007 M 3/20/09 SEP 9/4/13 Back in house 10/5/13 H in Replay still DBing my heart out! Babies: Harley AKA Paw-Dobie 10yrs Timmy-Bunny 7yrs Dusty-Bunny 4yrs
Hello again and happy Monday. I started thinking more of the "Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does" statement. Since he SAYS he loves me, should I not believe this? It hard, because I feel like the anger stage is definitely done, at least with inflicting it towards me. But he is definitely in this "Replay" stage, trying to soothe himself with solitude and getting rid of anything that is a responsibility. The whole wanting to rent a room, that baffles me. Just a look into his family life...it was rough. His mom and dad divorced. They had an awful divorce, there was infidelity and affairs, custody battles. H has been on meds for ADD and his father decided he didn't need them. H has also been to therapy. H is very opposed to meds and therapy or C either IC or MC, I think he remembers that awful time in his childhood and he doesn't want to do that to himself. But yet he'd rather destroy his marriage, disappoint his family, maybe lose his house and live in a bedroom? Just to not have responsibility. I hope he can come through this.
M:29/H:30 Met:2007 M 3/20/09 SEP 9/4/13 Back in house 10/5/13 H in Replay still DBing my heart out! Babies: Harley AKA Paw-Dobie 10yrs Timmy-Bunny 7yrs Dusty-Bunny 4yrs
Well, good morning to all. Hopefully my posts start showing up I am having a good morning, albeit strange. I am getting those nasty feelings that MWD warned about in her chapter in DR about MLC. "So, if your husband decides to work on your marriage, although you’ll be very relieved, you should expect to be flooded with many other intense emotions. This is normal. It doesn’t mean you’ve made a mistake. It just means you’re human." Now, H is FAR from deciding he wants to work on us but my despair and hopelessness has turned to anger, and I've lost my empathy for him. I think he is pathetic. HE built HIS house, HE started HIS business, HE asked me to marry HIM. This is the life he CREATED, with HIS OWN CHOICES, and now he is acting like a spoiled brat, like he doesn't want to play anymore.
I'd love to set some boundaries, as far as him coming and going from the house. I am unsure if I can though, legal my name is not on the deed, we live in FL and from what I understand it is a 50/50 state. So legally the house is half mine. Since I have no where else to go at this point, no money to go, and have my big dog, it would seem logical I stay in the house. He is the one who is waffling, he should leave, and not just barge in, turning our lives upside down again. I feel like he is an unwanted guest when he is there, or rather uninvited. I am coming to terms with being alone. I feel OK, watch my TV, read, listen to music, do chores, make food for myself, play with my Paw (Harley's nickname is Paw) and then Oh heres Daddy, and I have to play nice, listen to his work stories (that's all he ever talks about, its kind of pathetic, what a sad life) and then his anxiety kicks in and I have to be OK with him leaving. I prayed this morning, thanked God for what I had, and asked him to watch over H. But I am mad. I hope this fades. I almost don't want to put anymore effort into it, but I just ordered 3 MLC/Marriage books and picked 2 up from the library. So I guess since I have them I must read them. I need to pray for empathy. I need to re-read Heart'sBlessings threads. HB talked a lot about loving her husband with God's heart, and I am having a big problem with that. He has just become so irresponsible and wants to get rid of anything that he needs to "take care of". He is a joke to me. Ugh just needed to vent. Hope my posts start showing up. Would love some advice.
M:29/H:30 Met:2007 M 3/20/09 SEP 9/4/13 Back in house 10/5/13 H in Replay still DBing my heart out! Babies: Harley AKA Paw-Dobie 10yrs Timmy-Bunny 7yrs Dusty-Bunny 4yrs
Good Morning All from Lovely SW FL! Still no posts showing up, thats OK. They will.
Had a great visit with MIL and her fiance. Told her that I think H (who I will not start referring to as Boo) is in MLC or rather life transition. Yesterday I woke up mad, and stayed mad for awhile. What an immature brat Boo is. This is the life YOU chose. YOU built your house, YOU asked me to marry you and now you wanna be like oh J/K don't want this bye see ya later, but we can still be friends? EW Had very little empathy that morning.
I got on the Boards and found and awesome post, and now I need to go back and find it. Lots of stuff by Snodderly (job?) and I need to find it again.
The most important thing I read was that they are going through a harder time then we, the LBS. Typing it now, it doesn't seem so profound, but when I read it, I felt something. I understood the whole loving them like God loves us, despite our sins.
I still have some doubts, if and when he comes back. Will this happen again? And if it does, will I be prepared or will I have had enough?
I will post some background on Boo later, its a lot. I have touched a little on his childhood, which wasn't the best, but I would like to get it out, what I know. He is big time PA, angry hostile, holds grudges. The poor guy. I miss him.
I haven't seen him since Monday am. I did get a phone call last night that was pleasant and jokey. He was letting me know he wouldn't be home. Although that made me sad, I was happy he was letting me know his whereabouts and that he was safe. I tried 3xs to get off the phone and he kept fishing for ways to stay on, he told me things I already knew (he is doing some jobs for me at condos I manage) and then literally said Um Um ummmmumm, and I said OK I've gotta go, which he interrupted with his own OK gotta go, like he was embarrassed that he was trying to keep talking.
I want to practice tough love and boundaries. I practice what I want to say, but it always comes out nasty...guess I need to rehearse more. Thats all for now!
M:29/H:30 Met:2007 M 3/20/09 SEP 9/4/13 Back in house 10/5/13 H in Replay still DBing my heart out! Babies: Harley AKA Paw-Dobie 10yrs Timmy-Bunny 7yrs Dusty-Bunny 4yrs
I've realized that when my life has a crisi or transition, I seem to turn to a certain band/genre of music. My go to, since I was 15 (15 years ago!!) has been Third Eye Blind (3EB). I have all of their CDs except for the newest one. It is the only band that I would consistently buy their music and not have to "test the waters" or listen to singles to see if I liked it. I just knew I would connect with their songs, and I always have. Not all the songs, but most I can find meaning in.
Its funny, I have not turned on my radio or XM radio in months. I literally have only listened to three 3EB CDs and a few choice songs from Red Hot Chili Peppers and Vertical Horizon. Sometimes I will listen to all the CDS, stick with one particular CD for a few days, or even listen to one song on repeat for days. Its strange, but that's what I am doing.
Here are some lyrics to songs that really speak to me now and speak to my situation. Maybe it will help someone else.
FYI the genre is I guess late 90s rock?? Not really sure. Its nor hard rock, maybe Adult Alternative? I dunno, but I like it. And it was funny, a few months ago I was having dinner with MIL and fiancé and they asked what my favorite band was to put in Pandora and I was EMBARRASSED to say 3EB! I think back on it and wonder why? What would they have said, they didn't know the band? Who cares! And now I feel like this band sings my feelings to me and I betrayed them just a few months ago, betrayed myself. I am ashamed that I betrayed myself, my likes, my interest, thinking that people, who supposedly loved and accepted, would judge me! Who had I become?
Whatever I became, I am not anymore. I am me. I like what I like and I'm not embarrassed by it. I am actually pretty pleased with myself
M:29/H:30 Met:2007 M 3/20/09 SEP 9/4/13 Back in house 10/5/13 H in Replay still DBing my heart out! Babies: Harley AKA Paw-Dobie 10yrs Timmy-Bunny 7yrs Dusty-Bunny 4yrs
I'm on a train, but there's no one at the helm And there's a demon in my brain Who starts to overwhelm whelm whelm whelm whelm And there it goes, my last chance for peace You lay me down, but I get no release And I say I, I try to keep awake I try to swim beneath I try to keep awake But I, I can feel this narcolepsy slide Into another nightmare And there's a demon in my head who starts to play A nightmare tape loop of what went wrong yesterday And I hold my breath till it's more than I can take And I close my eyes and dream that I'm awake I try to keep awake I try to keep awake I try to keep awake But I, I can feel this narcolepsy slide Into another nightmare I read dead Russian authors volumes at a time I write everything down except what's on my mind Cause my greatest fear is that sucking sound And then I know that I'll never get back out And there's a bone in my hand that connects to a drink In a crowded room where the glasses clink And I'll buy you a beer and we'll drink it deep Because that keeps me from falling asleep I said How'd you like to be alone and drowning How'd you like to be alone and drowning How'd you like to be alone and drowning How'd you like to be alone and drowning Still I find this narcolepsy slide slide Into another nightmare Keep awake, keep awake, keep awake And I can feel this narcolepsy slide
M:29/H:30 Met:2007 M 3/20/09 SEP 9/4/13 Back in house 10/5/13 H in Replay still DBing my heart out! Babies: Harley AKA Paw-Dobie 10yrs Timmy-Bunny 7yrs Dusty-Bunny 4yrs
