Rolling up my sleeves...

[RosaLinda]

Hi JFun. Haven't wanted to intrude on your "boy thread," but wanted to let you know I think you're doing great. Both in looking deep inside yourself to find the real answers, and in learning how to deal with your wife. 

You asked "Question for today: How nice/cordial/friendly can I be while she goes through this without encouraging cake eating?" I think that at the beginning the stay-at-home MLCers alternate between being normal/friendly and spewing, then drop most of the spewing, and settle down to alternating between being normal/friendly and cold. After 4 years my H only spews every month or two. 

Your job is to be steadfast during both parts of the MLC dance, as she tries to reel you in and cast you back out. To STFU and give her space to "think and experiment," as MWD says. But always polite, kind, approachable, cordial. 

I also have put few boundaries in place with my H, but like T2, limit the area where he does his skyping and texting with OW. In our case, he moved into our son's old bedroom, and his nefarious activities are confined to that room. It helps.