I have been having a rough (emotional) past few days. We planned it out that H would stay over on the weekend for a couple of nights. I was really looking forward to it. Saturday H wasn't feeling well and the day kind of dragged on. It was rainy and dreary outside and we couldn't do much because of the weather and the fact that he didn't feel well.
Sunday came and the sun came out and the weather warmed up. I was excited that he was feeling better and the weather was better so we could spend the day outside as a family. We went for a wonderful fall walk as a family and I took some really great photos of our fall hike. I had a really fun time. H seemed to enjoy himself but seemed in a rush to leave as soon as we got back, which kind of upset me. I find having expectations are still messing me up.
I am back to work full-time now as of yesterday. I have only been at work for a couple of days but I am already feeling a little bit of stress and feelings of resentment. I am worried that I am going to self-sabotage our chances of reconciling. I seem to be having a bit of hostility towards H and I keep snapping at him and then feeling bad afterwards. I have been an emotional wreck.
I feel like right now all of the weight and burden is on myself. I work and then come straight home. He picks the kids up at school and brings them to the house. Some days he will leave right when I get home or else he will stay and help with them. Generally he stays to help for a few hours 2 or 3 times a week and then on weekends.
I am in charge of everything around the house, like packing lunches, making sure the kids homework is done, cleaning the house, making dinner and cleaning up, baths, etc. If I want to go out to do anything I either have to bring all 3 kids with me or get him or a sitter to relieve me.
I asked him if he could take them for an hour or two once in a while and he gave me a little bit of attitude about it. He says it has been hard on him too and he would like it if I would do that for him.. for me to leave the house with all 3 kids so he can have the house to himself. He doesn't like staying at his brother's because it is not his home. I kind of lost it on him saying that right now all of the weight is on me and I am asking him for relief and that instead he is burdening me with more things.
Today I suggested that he could stay for suppers since he is now coming by the house with the kids after school. He kind of gave me an excuse and then later told me that he just wants to take it slow, from advice from his counselor to just take some time apart so we can "miss" each other. I told him that I would have rather him just be honest with me than making up an excuse. I guess I am moving a little bit too fast. I am going to let him do the pursuing from now on.
I feel there is an unfair burden on me right now with me being responsible for keeping everything running smoothly and organized while he is off living at his brothers. I feel that I have resentment toward him for this and this is why I keep snapping at him lately. I need to figure out how to deal with all of this.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
