Where am I at?

[hotwheelsaust]

Icecoldw, like Fly has said, these emotions/feelings and guilt will take time, a lot of it.
Quick history of me: Married 23 years, while I was certainly depressed in the last 2 years before Bd (see why in my sitch0 I still felt I showed love and care for my W. But I mustn't have, because she is not still here. It has now been just over a year since BD. Nothing has changed, if anything, the communication is worse, it is non-existant. Do I worry about it anymore? Some times, but most times no.
I get the lack of eating, the lack of wanting to do anything enjoyable, the wanting to tell everyone "what did I do wrong?", the asking everyone "how can I fix this". Been there, done that, bought the book.
There is no time limit for your feelings. One day you will wake up, like I did, and simply say enough, I no longer will feel guilty about this.
You will forgive yourself for you past actions/inactions.
You will forgive your wife for what she has done/doing.
You will stop feeling guilty of everything out of your control.

This will help you move on.
I forgave myself for my past actions. I felt what I was doing was good and correct. I see it differently now, but I cannot change what was in the past. I can only move forward and change for the better.
I forgave my wife. She did what she felt was right, whether it was or not. Just like I acted the way I felt was right. Therefore I no longer blame her for whatever she decides to do.
Most importanly I stopped feeling guilty of it all. I was guilty of the wife dropping the BD, the wife moving out, the family being separated, the splitting of assets and so on.
No, I am not guilty of those things. We/the wife could have communicated better before BD about how she was feeling. The wife didn't have to move out of the house, I certainly didn't ask her to leave. The wife didn't have to see a solicitor to start asset splitting procedures. The family didn't have to be split up. None of these things were done by me, so why should I feel guilty?
Once I reached that place, things started working a lot better. I felt better about myself.
Stop expecting anything from wife. Things may happen, things may not. Just don't expect them, that way you won't miss out on them.
When do you cut your losses? When you decide, just like the W has decided.
We all miss the kissing, cuddling and sex. Who wouldn't? But I still hold my marriage vows seriously, and won't be dating or screwing around until I am divorced, and even then may not feel comfortable about it. Your choice when you decide.
But remember, the old saying "two wrongs don't make a right".
One of the things I learnt a few months ago, way past the BD time, was, if the W has put up with my behaviours (enough for her to leave) for so many years. Then how long will I put up with her behaviours? How much is she worth? Or the marriage is worth? How much is your own satisfaction you did everything worth?