New to the board, fairly newly LBS from MLC.

[tigerlily78]

Yes, I had 5 posts or so come through moderation today. Woo hoo. I was beginning to wonder.

I have always been very empathetic and I am the oldest child from a large family, so I guess "taking care of people" and being "the responsible one" is deeply ingrained in me. I am also very much a "research, absorb it, learn it, live it" kind of person... I feel like knowledge is a powerful tool for any problem.

I think the one place I might be faltering at the moment is being resistant/turning him down when he asks me to do something with him. But I feel like usually *I* am the one who would initiate time together, so maybe it is good to keep accepting invitations from him... in the past I might have passed on watching a movie with him or taking a nap depending on what I was busy doing. So in a sense it is a 180, but I am not sure with this situation if it is better to 180 or better to be coy and aloof. For the past week or so the things he invites me to do are like "take a nap" "watch a movie in our bedroom" "have ML activities" & "go to the grocery store together."

He has told me he is going out skating five nights a week, which makes me wonder if it may occur to him that what he really likes is skating a lot (which I already knew, OUR first date was skating at our college!) and the the OW situation isn't required in order for that to continue. Sure, she drives him downtown to places he isn't comfortable driving himself yet, but admittedly *I* could/would do that often too if he asked me to.

I am also kind of struggling with setting boundaries. Since we live together, there a lot of things that I do for our household that I always did before and I am not sure I would really get a worthwhile reaction if I said "you can do your own laundry now" or "I am not cooking for you anymore" ... he does pay the mortgage and the bills. I have been a stay at home mom, did a tiny bit of part time work for his independent software business, and lots of volunteering. I *AM* currently trying to get a job though so I will have income of my own should I need it. My mom is also sending me some emergency funds to stash just in case I ever need it. I have reached out to a few friends to be my alternative transportation should I ever need it.

I did already draw a line in the sand that the OW is not allowed in our home, whether I am here or away. I also told him I would really appreciate it if he would limit his calling and texting her to HIS den/home office space... that I didn't think I should have to be confronted with their conversations in other places around the house that we share. Although he didn't actually confirm that he agrees with this notion, it does appear in the past 2 days he has followed it.

On Monday, I mentioned he looked a little tired and suggested maybe he could try to come home earlier from OW's place in the morning so we could get a few hours of sleep together in our big comfy bed. He DID actually do it, not as early as I had hoped, but much earlier than I expected. There was some sleep and some ML.

And while he was away for his birthday, I DID end up having to tell our son SOMETHING about why Dad wasn't around. After talking to my son's behavioral therapist, she recommended that for now I just tell her that Dad is going through a transitional time in his life where he is confused and needs time and space to sort out his feelings and NOT specifically address the OW. My son seemed to be receptive to that and followed up with, "so where is Dad staying when he is gone?" and I told him he is staying with a friend. I was dreading the conversation, but it actually went much better than I anticipated. Son made WAS a really cool painting for his birthday, belatedly. They had a nice hug and WAS made sure to tell him he loved him. I did end up giving him the photo album I put together of pictures from when we were much younger and much more obviously happy. He seemed to genuinely appreciate it. He took time to flip through it with our son for awhile before he felt the need to excuse himself to take off his work clothes.

When he is around home now he seems more comfortable. He makes remarks like "You sure are lucky to have such a clean house, with so much room, and not have to have a job." Ignoring of course that recent events have compelled me to look for a job and that one of his usual pre-MLC complaints is that the house isn't very tidy most of the time (working on cleaning up around the house, organizing spaces, and getting rid of clutter has been one of my 180s)... I guess it seems OW isn't a neat freak as I worried she would be. His mom is total OCD, so I thought OW might have that in common with her also when he says OW is "alot like my Mom" (I am sure I mentioned this previously, but Mom is likely source of many insecurity, esteem issues, depression, and attachment problems he has... that he thinks his "soulmate" is so much like the person that most contributed pain into his life seems really crazy).

Right now what I really wish is that somehow OW could get her own bombdrop that despite being "soulmates" he isn't being exclusive to her either, and I highly suspect based on some of his comments in the beginning that HE misrepresented the situation to her in numerous ways. (She IS a good person, I had to convince her what we were doing was okay.") I think she is under the impression that I am "okay" with what he is doing, and clearly at the level that matters I am NOT. And I do have to wonder that if she was given a glimpse into a little more of the truth of things if she wouldn't make a different choice. I know that communicating with her directly would probably just end with blow back for me, but it really does make me wonder. If print out about midlife crisis and rebound relationships ended up on her car at work if it might be revelatory. :P