Today was great, but unless you are willing to make a stand for us and cut off ALL contact with OM, then I'm sorry, but we can't spend time together. I just had to cancel our dinner reservations for Saturday because we can't go to dinner with things where they are."
Good job Jon! I think the only tweak I would have suggested would have been to not say you canceled the reservations, but to say that if something didn't change by Saturday then you didn't think it would be a good idea to go. The difference being that by saying you canceled you basically told her you didn't trust her to do the right thing by Saturday. When you enforce boundaries don't forget to allow time for her to comply with them.
Jon, I love your threads . . . how you are so honest about what you are doing. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you that this is a real R and you and your W can make it work!
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I'm glad someone enjoys my insanity without wanting to slap me! And thanks for the crossed fingers!
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To JPs point, now is a good time to see how you feel. Are you stepping out of that triangle or still being an active participant.
Right now, I don't feel in control at all, honestly. I am really trying hard, and I 100% believe W is sincere, but my fear is the first negative thing or argument, she'll backslide. However, there have probably been 5 times today where I started to type a text, and I just realized it could either wait, wasn't important, or was pressuring. I'm getting better!
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Good job Jon!
I think the earth just shifted on its axis, I've gotten two positive feedbacks from AS! I'm a slow learner I guess. I get what you're saying, and I think I addressed that desire to demand it when I want as a deficiency in me.
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One thing I've noticed about me: I haven't been texting W at all other than the couple of texts I reported. Normally I'd be trying to initiate some contact to kinda see what was going on, where things are, etc. I am curious, but I have work to do!
I've been getting tons of work done, getting ready for my big project that starts tomorrow, and just having a general good day. W said she would "take care of it" tonight, and call me when it was done, and I'm just sitting here thinking, "OK". If she doesn't call, and somehow says she can't do it, oh well. My boundary is set and I'm not going to sweat it.
What are you doing now, to work on your own issues, so that marriage to you is different and better than it was before?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
The C is a boundary. It's one of the things that you lay down and say that is a must for the two of you to go through. While ML is great, if it was based solely on that, you could be replaced by someone who might be better. Your W has to figure out deep down why she did what she did so that the mistakes don't resurface.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
@adinva - continuing personal counseling, prayer, mostly. At this point, I don't know if I can give specifics.
@MrBond - my manliness insists there is no one better! I am leaving C on W. If she does NC with OM tonight as she promised, then the next thing will be C. I will tell W that tonight if she comes through with the NC.
"I was able to have half a conversation tonight, and I may not get to finish what I need to say until tomorrow. I just didn't want you to think I was blowing you off. I WILL take care of this. I love you."
Then a couple minutes later: "It's OK if you don't believe me."
I didn't respond, and am not going to. Dunno what is going on.
Sorry it wasnt more positive Jon. That she is at least making an effort is a positive sign. Its a marathon not a sprint, its going to take time for you guys to get where you want to be.
That being said you have to keep your boundaries set and in place to protect yourself.
me: 30 XW:28 tgthr:4 m:1 no kids BD: June 2013 D: Jan 2014
And thanks for the crossed fingers!
