Also for 180s, he said I was too critical - haven't said a critical word to him in 5+ weeks; not enough intimacy - I have been forthcoming with that but only if he initiates it (this one is rough bc I want to initiate to show him but that's pursuing of course);
Why are you waiting for him to initiate it if he always had to initiate it before? I'm not a vet/expert, but as a husband, my W has been pursuing me and it feels awesome. I literally had to put the brakes on it.
JF . . . I am waiting for him to initiate because I am trying not to pursue him. We are to the point where he ends up sleeping in the bed with me every few nights. Now, when he does sleep on the couch, he says he is sleeping on the couch because he needs to get some sleep. (We don't sleep much when he sleeps with me.) I have no idea what he is thinking since I am no mindreader, but trust me when I say that he is well aware that his advances are not going to be rejected.
Also, I think it is important for him to own his decisions. If he is the one who initiates, he has to acknowledge that he wanted it, as opposed to if I initiate, he can tell himself that I just seduced him or something. Not sure if that makes sense objectively now that I am writing it, but in my head it does.
If I had been doing 180s a few months ago, then yes, I would be initiating left and right. Sadly, I waited until after he had already BD'd to start. He did say a few weeks ago that he feels uncomfortable with touching because he feels he needs to stand on his own . . . but then an hour later initiated sex. And continues to on a semi-regular basis. So I have no idea - I am just trying to respect what he said he wanted.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Woke up at 5 a.m. with a mini panic attack. Ugh. So of course have nothing to do but think (since kids and H are still asleep). One thing I am struggling with. I am trying to respect H's need for space by not fighting him on moving out, avoiding arguments (i.e., I told him he should take whatever he wants with him, just let me know so I can replace things if necessary), etc. I have made it clear that I do not want him to do this (in a quiet but direct way - meaning, I have said as much but not argued or acted pathetic about it). But I still wonder . . . does he think I am just letting him go and don't care? Or does he see that it is killing me inside but I am putting his needs first? Or does he (most likely) think none of that, as he's not particularly concerned about what I am doing/thinking right now?
I just don't want him to feel that he isn't wanted. Because he is. But I know I can't tell him that. It's hard when the WAS feels that he wasn't loved enough, then not to be able to show him that love.
I realized another big thing I need to work on is trying to control him. For example - he wants to take our "nice" dishes with him when he leaves. (They are not fine china or anything, just our nicer set.) So, of course, I immediately imagine why does he want the nice dishes? OMG what if he is going to have some woman over for dinner? Or have a party for New Year's Eve and not invite me,and he will be kissing someone else at midnight? Nooooo, I can't let him take those dishes! Oy. I have to calm myself down, and remember that I have *no* idea why he wants our nice dishes. It could just be that he is trying to be kind and not take the things I use everyday (he is obviously doing that in may other situations). I have no idea and I can't read his mind. And how does not letting him take the dishes help? It doesn't. He will think I am being controlling and argumentative, and then he will go out and buy some dishes anyway.
Am I the only crazy person who thinks this way? Would love any tips about how to stop this. I need a mantra! (I mean, besides, "stop being a crazy person.")
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
You arent crazy for thinking the way you do. It seems like a pretty normal response for LBS. What you will find is that you cant control how someone else feels. You can only control your actions. So just continue to be positive in your interactions and be patient (the hardest part).
Your H has to find his own way. Your focus now is to be the person you want to be.
me: 30 XW:28 tgthr:4 m:1 no kids BD: June 2013 D: Jan 2014
Wow, I need help today. H packed some of his things this morning after I left. His closet is almost empty. It's like a knife to the chest. I started to panic thinking about the things he might take so I went down to the basement and grabbed our wedding photos and a few other things and put them in my closet. I don't want him taking things like that and throwing them in the trash. I feel completely hysterical and crazy right now - how the F am I going to do this? I have been keeping a PMA and GAL and 180ing and now that he is moving out in 2 days, I feel the walls crashing down on me. I can't do this. I feel like I want a hole to open in the ground and swallow me. How the F did we get here? It is crushing pain. Someone please give me a pep talk, or a hammer on the head, or something. I need help. I also need help trying to figure out a plan for Thursday morning. I usually take the kids to school around 8:30. The movers are coming at 9:30. I don't want to be here and watch him move, I think I might literally die. Am I supposed to just get up, eat, get the kids ready, and walk out the door like it's a normal day? Bye, H, have a good day??? Help. I'm drowning.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Everything you're feeling is natural. Your world as you know it is about to change even more drastically.
If you can't just sit and watch him move out, I'd advise making plans to be busy elsewhere that day. My H moved out one evening after work, so I took our son and went to the drive-in, getting back late enough that it was straight to bed so we didn't really notice until the next day that he'd even gone.
For now, take a deep breath. You've got to stay calm and strong for the kids' sakes, and for your own. In my case, when my H told me the date that he was moving out I opened a bottle of wine and had a large one - granted it was after my son went to bed and H had gone out for the evening.
Both 50 S14 M 16 yrs (his 3rd; my 1st)
ILYBINILWY - 24 Dec 2012 H moved out - 27 Jun 2013 Legally separated - 6 Sep 2013 Closing the door and changing the locks
Thanks, NQ. OK, I took some deep breaths. I think I might go read some threads on the piecing board, just to remind me that this isn't necessarily the end of the world. And, that I have to keep it together through this really rough time - I can't let my emotions decide how to handle this in front of H. He claims right now that he wants to spend a lot of time together as a family, so I will still have opportunities to connect with him and continue 180ing. I think it is mainly fear of the unknown right now. He certainly hasn't committed to working on our M by any stretch of the imagination, but he has said that he wants me in his life and that he is not closed off to the possibility of fixing this. (I know, I know, don't believe any of what he says.) I feel like when he is here, I can 180 and GAL and all that great stuff . . . I can see that it is making a difference - a big difference in only about a month. But I am petrified that when he leaves, he will just forget about me, or we won't end up seeing each other very much, or he will love his new fancy apartment and life. Gak.
I guess that is me trying to control him again . . . gotta stop that. Just need to get through the next few days without appearing too pathetic or angry. Once he is out, I can focus on myself and GAL, and 180 when I am around him. OK, I got this . . . . wish me luck.
NQ, I have a class for most of the day, but will need to come home at some point. I just hope I can hold it together for myself and my kids.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
A lot of us have been there. *I've* been there. I felt so squished by the weight of it all, so much pressure from the weight of the gravity of my reality pushing down on me that I practically felt two dimensional. Minutes seem like hours. Hours seem like days. Days like weeks, and weeks like months.
I couldn't sleep and had no desire to eat. I would sit at work and stare at the computer monitor. I would go to class and not be able to focus. My mind was racing and the real world had slowed down, but even then I couldn't seem to process all the information and possibilities my brain was receiving/creating.
Just keep breathing and know that you won't always feel this way. It WILL get better. This, too, shall pass.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
I had to take a few sick days, because I would go to my computer, and just click on things. I remember one time driving and I had to pull over and scream and cry. I would go for two days and forget to eat until I would be shaking because I needed to eat something. I can't count how many times I've woken up at 4am, and would just lie there and pray until 7:00.
I consider myself a pretty strong fit person, and I was like Gumby. I FORCED myself to eat. I FORCED myself to go to bonfires with friends when all I wanted to do was sit on the couch. I FORCED myself into a healthy diet and exercise. Believe me it was sheer force of will.
PatientMan has it right:
Quote:
Whenever I'm sad I STOP being sad and start being AWESOME instead. True story.
