M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
Always running these days! Been catching up with everyone but then I run out of time to post on my own thread or on others.
FY -
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You know I'm all about connection, and reaching out to build that until I'm done. Are you done? It doesn't sound like you are to me.
Am I done? I think I may be close. Certainly I am done any sort of chasing, pursuing or initiating. I am done hoping. There seems to be little point to holding on to hope in my situation. I just lack the courage to sever the final tie. But that time may be near.
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What do you suppose would happen if you asked him to meet up with you?
Well, we are 1000 miles apart, so it might raise an eyebrow. But a few random texts does not grant him an invitation to meet up. If he wants to see me, he'll have to ask. He has given me no indication that he does. Again, small random texts are nothing. The last time we saw each other (almost a year ago now), he was late "because his mother needed something". I later saw a text from GF which made a liar out of him. I made a tremendous effort and expense to see him only to have that happen. I am not open to that happening again and I don't trust that it won't. I don't trust HIM, anymore.
Bright, thank you for your wise words. I am still angry. Furious at times - at him for behaving this way and at me for my inability to say bugger off for good.
NLT, I have also been told that I was more man than woman in my traits. I like my independence and the ability to make decisions. I am not a fluffy, emotional or touchy-feely person (i.e. woman traits). There are many women out there like us.
I do know what you and FY are saying about communication. I wonder if I would think differently if xSO was around more - or at all. To be vulnerable to him in any way again, including showing any overt interest makes me very nervous. He has shown me that he can and will hurt me. I don't trust that he won't. And I do NOT want him discussing me with his GF - oh look, see we really were "just friends".
Bea, thank you for your informative post! I have only shared the whole story with one of my friends and she is constantly amazed that he is still contacting me at all - it has been 14 months since BD. She is on the fence about whether MLC truly exists, but she will admit that is not normal behaviour when someone ditches you.
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I would do what another very good poster here many years ago advised, and keep the door open. Be pleasant when he contacts you, reply, but do not initiate the exchanges or prolong them.
MLCers have a hard time letting go, despite all they say.
So the texts may be very early signs of reconnection or a desire to remain somewhat connected. If you still have feelings then by all means keep the door open. There is not need to do violence to your feelings here, but whatever you do - don't pursue. I know you won't, but it is always worth saying!!
So get on with your life, go on growing and changing, - the door will either open wider or gradually close more and more. No need to slam it shut unless you really want to (as opposed to feelings understandably p*ssed at him)
I am trying to follow this advice for now and have been for a long time. Sometimes, though, I feel like axing that last tie. Maybe hope has yet to truly die?
Rosa, always a pleasure when you stop by! I wish there was a way to find out through someone other than him but there isn't. Most of the people we knew in his town we're really his friends and as much as they said they liked me, they accepted news of the new GF with open arms. Because it would make a difference. If he is still with GF or with a new one, I think I have to be brave and sever the cord. He cannot have his cake and eat it too with my permission.
Melting!! How wonderful you stopped by! Have you updated your thread? How are things going my Long-Distance buddy? Thank you for the compliment. We've come a long way, huh?
And WhiteRose, thank you as always for stopping by. You know I read your thread! Gotta get better at leaving a post!
So here is my next "dilemma":
xSO's birthday is this month. Had I not heard from him at all, I would not have considered sending a Birthday Text; nice easy decision. But now wit this increase in contact (He sent another text a few days ago), I wondering if I should? But I am also wondering if I should be a bit sneaky and say happy birthday, I am sure your family/GF and friends have done it up right for you?
Question: If I did not acknowledge his birthday, would that be akin to slamming the door in a passive aggressive way? I keep wondering what might happen if I ignored the day. What would be different? Nothing, is the answer.
Portia, Send him a "happy birthday" text and keep it very simple.
Nothing says you can't do this, but do not have expectations.
Give it a try.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I often wonder if the MLCer has some sort of sixth sense when we are pulling away? Or reading these posts LOL. As I was finishing the post above, I got another random text. The basic catch phrase hope all is well and a comment about the weather.
I think Bea is right. We're the flypaper to their fly.
I am trying to keep my expectations at zero but I confess, they go into the negative category. Like he is buttering me up to ask me to his wedding to GF. Ah, aren't trust issues sublime?
I am trying to keep my expectations at zero but I confess, they go into the negative category. Like he is buttering me up to ask me to his wedding to GF. Ah, aren't trust issues sublime?
I guess we will just see how this goes.
I understand that you have negative feelings about WHY he is contacting you but don't assume anything quite yet. I don't believe that he would be contacting you if all he wanted was to throw a relationship that he might still have in your face. You'd think that he'd be too busy with trying to keep her happy to make contact with you. Until he admits to something you'll not know what's going on in his life or in his mind. She may be gone, he may have started to work on his issues or any number of other reasons for the contact.
Keeping your expectations at zero is absolutely the right thing to do. The desire to trust is difficult once it's been lost. Most of us wonder what we'd do if our spouses decided they wanted to reconcile. What if your xSO is truly trying to reconnect? Would you give him the opportunity to earn your trust again? Some people can't once they've been betrayed no matter the circumstances. Just a few things to think about.
I think you're wise to "see how it goes". With expectations at zero you have nothing to lose, imho.
I'm in agreement with the Happy Birthday without the added line about gf/family is appropriate. Do what I do. Think it, say it out loud but don't put it into the text or message to him. He's been pretty active lately with his texts, hasn't he? As Bea or job said a few pages back, he'll find a way to contact you unless you've changed your email, phone or residence and even then if they're desperate, they'll hunt you down! LOL
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
Great to catch up Portia... I agree with the others!! A simple:
"happy birthday, have an awesome day"....is all that is required!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Hi Portia! Is your SO a Scorpio? Mine is too, a lot of our MLCers seem to be Scorpios. Hmmmmm.... Some astrological character flaw leading to crisis?
I vote for the less simple text. I would not mention a GF though, maybe something like "I hope all is well with you" like he does. It would leave the door open if SO cares to walk thru it. Would you feel comfortable actually calling him for his birthday? You are obviously on his mind.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Phew, looks like it is time to start a new thread!
Thanks everyone for your thoughts and good advice.
Yes, Rosa he is a scorpio. All claws!
NLT - I know, right? I am not usually a negative person, but with him I cannot seem to help it. And they are so strange and he has convinced himself so thoroughly that the three of us could be besties (and apparently once convinced GF enough that she could hardly wait to meet me, barf) that I can't quite rule it out.
Ladies, you sure make me think. Rosa, I am always so impressed with your perspective and your giving soul. I fall into self-preservation mode and all I worry about is me getting hurt. I am embarrassed to say that I never thought of calling him. I do not know if I am ready to do that, but again, you have made me think of someone else besides me in all this. LOL. He would fall off his chair if I called, I'm sure. I might chance it if I knew if GF was out of the picture.
And NLT,
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The desire to trust is difficult once it's been lost. Most of us wonder what we'd do if our spouses decided they wanted to reconcile. What if your xSO is truly trying to reconnect? Would you give him the opportunity to earn your trust again?
Isn't that the million dollar question? I don't know the answer. MLC changes them. We may not want the same things anymore. This journey has let me see what is important to me and I learned that however untraditional my life has been, I would choose it again. If he truly dreams of a "white-picket fence" life with children, I do not belong in that picture.
On the flip side, if he was to come back and say that he really didn't want that life and wants the one we planned, how do I believe him? Regaining trust would be so hard to do. The pull of possibly regaining the life we dreamed of, is a strong pull though. But nothing would be the same.
So, I really don't know. And I don't let myself think of it too much. Because he may never want anything more from me than to be able to send me these random texts. I am not even positive that he sends them out of anything more than guilt for the way he treated me.
LOL, imagine, I have been called decisive in another world
