Sorry that this is all hitting like a sledgehammer.

I know the feeling.

First (((((((HUGS)))))))

know that their are people that care and you may feel alone but you can come here and get support.

Sounds like you are off moderation now so that is one big hurdle.

Unfortunately things seem to have to get worse before they get better and you are now going through part of the worse.

All I can say is that you have to "LET GO" and DETACH the most importnant advice that you can DO.

Take the focus off of him and put it on you.
You can CONTROL YOU.

Keep posting and reading and you will learn lots of things that are counterintuitve.

Thats a common theme of OPPOSITE. (also 180)

The more you learn, it will make more sense.
For now just keep faking it until you make it.

Me-70, D37,S36