Confusion Reigns Part 4

[RosaLinda]

Oh Angela, I am so sorry. Sorry you are going thru this, and sorry I was not available to help support you thru this latest horror. I'm glad you have gotten all this support and good advice.

I don't know if it would help you to hear that the rest of our Hs told us a lot of the same exact crap as your H is telling you. My H also told me that he had sex, oral sex, with a mutual friend on our living room rug. He now says he does not even remember telling me that, and says he probably said it to hurt me. He told multiple women that he is the poor abused husband of a cheating whore of a wife. He has told at least 12 women that I know of that he is in love with them over the past 4 years. But you know what Angela, none of these relationships were real and none has lasted.

My H said a lot of the same stuff your H told you. Lots of lies, lots of mean things, lots of painful things, and lots of true things too. Lots of deep deep depressin. He has almost seemed suicidal at times. You say that your H is a "liar, a manipulator, and an emotional abuser," so is mine, and probably all of the MLCers on this board. MLC seems to bring out exceptional lying and manipulating skills.

But the one thing I truly believe and agree with, that both of our Hs told us, is that when they were acting hateful and mean, it was because they do not love themselves. And that does not have anything to do with us.

As to your housekeeping skills, the vets say that we should change the things about us our Hs complain about us which are real and true, and which we can see need changing, and ignore the rest. My H's LL is also AOS, and so I try to do little things for him, and to realize that when he does little things for me, it is his way of showing that he cares. Wonka pointed out to me that AOS people also need WOA when they do the AOS for us, so I always make sure to thank him and show him how much I appreciate his kind act. So I'm sure your H will appreciate the clean house, just like you are happier in a clean house! The biggest thing my DB coach tells me to do now is to STFU most of the time, and never approach my H. But when he approaches me, to be kind and sweet and approachable. He calls it being "lovely wife."

Only you can know what you can bear honey. But I think that you are like most of us on this forum, that we married for better and for worse. This is the worse, that we are going thru right now. I don't know if either of our Hs will ever be able to escape out of this dark tunnel of pain that they are wandering blindly thru. Some do, some never do. And I don't know that if they do escape, whether they will still want us, and whether we will still want them.

But like you Angela -- I believe in God. I put my faith in God that both of our Hs will escape and will become sane again. And that when their eyes are open and they are blinking like moles who have come out of a dark tunnel into the bright sunlight, they will see their "lovely wives." Us, standing strong for our marriages. I am trusting God and this process to get us thru it.

I have a feeling that your new counselor, the pastor, has been around the block a few times, and will really be able to help you. Hang in there Ang, you will get thru this. As I have said before, you are doing great. You are awesome!