WAS left, focusing on me, DB'ing like an amateur

[Mimi00]

Its sounds like you did pretty well with the phone call, that's great!
It is hard to stop thinking and replaying things in your head.... but it truly is a choice. It catch myself "H-dreaming" sometimes and have to redirect ASAP....sing a song.....think of a scripture....anything to stop the thoughts lol.

[AnotherStander]

I had a hard time sleeping last night. I figure it's because I was replaying the conversation in my head over and over. Apparently I'm not doing a good job of detaching.

The convo went well, but it doesn't change the fact that your W thinks she's done. It's going to be a long, long time before she might change her mind on that. What you did right is you had a convo with her in which the M and R were NOT discussed. I suspect you're questioning now whether you should have pushed for that R talk, but the reason it worked is because you didn't. The lesson is to keep doing what works The convo actually reminds me of my W early on, she said similar things about things seeming strange.

I'm just not sure whether to keep trying to DB and hope I can be a DB success story.

The good thing about DB'ing is if you do it right then you are a success story no matter what happens to your M. Most DB'ers eventually reach a point where they know they are going to not just survive, but thrive whether with or without their spouse. That's success. Yes we do hope it's with the spouse, but that's not always possible.

Or if she is really "done." She didn't bring up anything about the D or say it's still what she knows is right. I didn't get any opportunities to clarify her thoughts in that area.

For heaven's sake, don't "clarify" that! If she doesn't bring it up then that's a GOOD sign. When the WAS quits talking about D then it usually means they've put it on the back burner. That's a good sign that time is on your side. But if you bring it up it's just going to put pressure on her all over again.

How do you know if what you're doing is the right thing?

If you're growing and becoming a better person, the best possible you, then you're doing the right things.

[KdogGS]

Thanks for the thoughts Mimi and AnotherStander. She emailed me to let me know she got her bank account and credit card. She seemed harried and flustered that the cards weren't going to get here and be able to use them before she needs gas/groceries again. I replied and told her I did not intend for her to feel rushed, to take her time making the transition from joint cards to individual. Her emails to me have gotten longer and more involved.

She still gives me a lot of personal info and what she's up to. I am still trying to wrap my head around why she feels the need to tell me certain things. Anyway, having a decent day off, going to try and take a nap.

[AnotherStander]

She still gives me a lot of personal info and what she's up to. I am still trying to wrap my head around why she feels the need to tell me certain things.

Don't overthink things, just take it as a positive move on her part. Try to think of yourself as her "friendly neighbor", be a good listener and friend but don't push for serious discussions.

[Mimi00]

AS gave you great advice.
My H tells me how he's looking forward to decorating etc... and sometimes I'm just confused listening...but I simply listen and respond positively. I told my mom some of the things he shares with me and shes like "really? he told you all that?" lol

[KdogGS]

Thanks for stopping by again. I rented The Croods for some light-hearted entertainment for the evening.

I have been reading The Happiness Trap, it's an interesting take on how to accept emotions and thoughts. I'm going to try and read it with an open mind and incorporate the strategies to give them a shot.

I refinanced the car today to just be in my name, so I'll have to touch base with W at some point regarding that since she'll have to release her interest in the vehicle.

I also want to meet her for coffee like we discussed on the phone the other night, but I'm going to take tonight off from contacting her since she already emailed me and I emailed her back today.

Going to try to take some melatonin tonight to see if I can get a good nights sleep with a natural supplement.

[KdogGS]

W emailed me back last night, so I sent her a mostly business email this morning about my last check going to our joint account, and how it broke down to paying our bills so there was no confusion. She expressed on our phone call that perception is sometimes much different than reality, so I made sure to put in the email I was providing this info because she stated that.

I also asked at the end of the email if she found that book I want to read, and if we could do coffee to exchange that and the mail. We'll see what she says.

I've been looking for pet friendly apartments in case we have to sell the house. I am going to put the onus on her though to sell it. She needs to find an agent, coordinate the listing and showings. She would also need to take the dog until we had an offer because the house wouldn't be showable with a German Shepherd running around in the backyard.

We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

[labug]

I found The Happiness Trap to be helpful.

There are some videos on youtube also.

[KdogGS]

Thanks labug, I'll watch them.

I'm just trying to stay focused at work and keep my mind occupied.

[KdogGS]

W emailed me back and gave me options of when to meet up for coffee. I chose Saturday night after church. It will be the first time seeing each other in over 6 weeks, should be interesting. I'm down 18 pounds since BD to a nice healthy 186, and I don't have the PMA of a glowworm, but it's close at times.

I have not been wearing my ring, and I will not wear it that night either. I don't plan to bring up any R or M talk. I will just enjoy the time with her, ask her about life, tell her I'm refinancing the car in only my name per our phone conversation, ask for her opinion on putting the house on the market. I'm not expecting the meeting to turn anything around, but I want to show her I'm not going to try to talk her out of the divorce. Maybe it will relax things a bit.

We have been emailing back and forth daily, I'm going to tone it down a bit again until the meeting and then after it.