I wouldn't keep switching tactics until you have found what's working or not working. I think that one of the hardest things that you have to do at this point is hear him out when he's missing the OW. I know it's painful- I lived it- but it's necessary. He needs to confide in someone about his pain. You need to be that someone. Otherwise, there is someone else that might understand what he's going thorough that he could talk to - the OW.
You'll have to control your reactions, and let him know that you're sorry that he's hurting (yes, I can hear your mind reeling at this) but that the two of you can get through it. Imagine he's going through drug withdrawl and he's lashing out at the world. He wants that drug back, even just a taste, and even though he knows its bad for him. Be there for him. Love him. Meet his emotional needs, the ones she had been meeting for him. Do you know what they are? List them for me.
Do I think he should be texting the OWs friend? Heck no!! That should be part of your NC agreement. NC with the OW and anyone or anything connected to her! You need to be calm and have your wits about you when you explain to him that it's hurtful to you. You shouldn't have to explain why. Your husbands defensive reaction is tacit agreement from him that he darn well knows why.
Your H needs to see that you can meet his needs just as well as the OW (better even). He is without hope of that right now. You need to remain strong.
