Unlearning conflict avoidance - 8

[25yearsmlc]

Man that last post of mine did NOT get sent right. Guess I pushed delete where I thought I had highlighted.

ANYWAY

Luke, don't forget what you learned at EE and here, and don't forget you've been here nine years.

To HER, not much you are doing is radically new and it sure has not been done with the confidence that makes it real.

Hence your multiple questions about doing the wrong/right thing, and the endless second guessing.

Let's go with what you KNOW.

You KNOW your wife has not been wanted intimacy in 9 years and

you KNOW you two never discussed why.


You KNOW she has repeatedly said (and now appears to have acted in pursuit of,) Ending the marriage.

I think When someone SAYS they want out and has no intimacy for years, and then moves to end things formally, in accordance with they said they wanted to do, I think they want out.

Certainly -

Those are all big fat red flags.

And they've been waving for years. I don't know if she realizes the financial or legal consequences of a divorce but that is NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

Also, since it has been so very long, (like a personal record around here to tell you the truth)

then To HER, she may think "why doesn't he get it by now? I want out!"...She probably feels she has been clear and consistent.

to YOU, it's as if you are willing to believe all will be well, when and if she's not actively being negative to you for a few days.

But to the casual observer, all those days are, is a lull in the combat.

It's NOT peace or happiness. OR intimacy.

Your d may be lead to an unfortunate view of men and marriage if you let all this continue.

FTR I am NOT very interested in what your w thinks of what you are doing. I doubt many of us are.

I am somewhat concerned about your d,

and I am very concerned and primarily concerned with how

YOU FEEL and What YOU are doing to get some companionship in your lonely "family life".

Please read Sandi's post to you again. NOT to get your wife "back" but to show your d something. As in, the real you.

I say that b/c nine years is a long time to have been like this and it's basically all your d knows of you. Think about that.

But she's young and you CAN change the dynamic of your R with her.


and BTW

If I had gotten that text about "NO sauces", I'd have assumed there was a bit of teasing going on (in part as a diffuser) & I'd have probably said "Yes Ma'am. Anything else, Master?"

The point then is made without belaboring it. Of course, IF pressed, then say,

"I'll get what I want for MY home. I'm your father, not your dog. Don't talk to me like that."

I would not worry about being positive and negative and positive again. That sounds like the proverbial "compliment sandwich" with the meaningful part NOT in the bread. People usually see through that.

Luke, we've met. You were a pleasant suprise to me b/c you are warm and very natural in person.

Something about how you interact with your wife is so dysfunctional, it's like you forgot b/c I guess you are so used to it.

NINE YEARS is a long time to be so lonely.

And the R I see being risked is NOT your w wanting out (that is old news) but your d and how she is viewing you.

I say Go on the trips with your son, & go ahead and invite your d along, AND MAYBE a friend of hers too. So she's not choosing between you and wife, but between her brother, dad and friend trip, versus staying alone with her mom

b/c her mom is... mad at you? Why? and....is that really what your wife wants too? I mean, that's just mean and weird of her.

IF your wife wants a private life with some OM, why would she always want D around? To "win"? Good grief. I get that your w feels no sparks but is she actually angry at you for something specific? What does she complain about with you?


Back to the trips...
Don't bother asking w to go, but if you do, ask her with the obvious belief that it matters NOT one whit if she says no. You just needed to know.

Remember what a great catch you are and how you CAN feel around women and how THEY can feel around you.

Your wife is not the typical one. I wish you'd seen this years ago.

Am I saying to give up?

I am saying to get ahold of your own life and stop placing your happiness or ability to be with anyone in life, including your own family -

in your wife's hands.


ALSO

I would NOT stop staying with MIL once the news comes out. Who says you have to do that? Why? She's still the grandmother of your children and you'll always have a bond.

I still go on trips with my former SIL even though my brother left her. I thought my brother was a fool at the time, and she and I were close. At the time, my brother said "glad you are close...stay that way" but it probably bugs him. NOT MY PROBLEM

just b/c he left his marriage of 17 years, does not mean all her R's with our family also ended...why should you stop being close to her b/c her d is not close to (OR to her)?

Seems to me you & MIL have a lot in common. I see nothing disloyal or weird about it.

Ask around maybe, b/c if someone thinks a sexual R is happening between you and your mil, they are going where I'd not have gone in my head.

You do NOT have to magnify the loss of other relationships b/c your wife wants to end the marriage. You do NOT have to start cutting other people out of your life.


LUKE, consider this...

What is ending is not really a true m, is it really? I mean, isn't what's ending here, more like the facade of a marriage?

Hopes are being dashed, I realize. And that is painful, I know. I don't want to minimize that. I just want you to be realistic about expectations of your situation, and prepare to move on SOON and to be happy anyhow.

For you to be working on DBing this many years with no real results, means whatever you have done before did NOT work well enough.


I would not repeat that old behavior. It did NOT work well for you or the m. or the r you have with your d.

But it's NOT too late for you to have a decent R with your d.

You do have to be her dad, (a father figure), and that means you guide and you lead.