So lost and hurt #3

[indigo1]

Not much going on today so far. Just a few more texts, one a pic of a new hairstyle she wanted my opinion on. She had a meeting at 2:45 after work and asked me to text her later on tonight. Pretty uneventful day to say the least. I've been bored out of my mind at work today.

[indigo1]

So just texting small talk with W then I get hit with.

W-Send me a pic of that house.

talking about a house I mentioned that was for sale awhile back.

M- ok

W- I kinda wish you weren't going to NY

followed by me sending the link to it and her saying how she absolutely loves it. This is going on right now. The thing is she needs to want to be with me not me buy a house and all that stuff for her. I dont know what to think right now, but I'm not jumping into something like buying a house in hopes of getting her back that's for sure.

[Ambivalent]

Indigo,

Completely understandable. Perhaps the grass is turning brown. Hang in there, bag a buck with a huge rack for me okay?

<3

[indigo1]

I certainly hope so! So W wants to get dinner again tomorrow with D. That will be a first besides our one breakfast together. Guess I will see how it goes.

[Ambivalent]

Best wishes, I have confidence you will listen intently. If you are curious about if it is the house or you, you could throw out a ...not sure if we could swing the mortg. statement, and see how it goes.

Just a thought, it may get her to open up about what she really wants and give you an opportunity to listen carefully.

<3

[Truegritter]

What's the sound of one hand clapping?

Does it feel like I'm busting on you?

Why are you defending your detachment to me?

In my experience we get defensive when we don't want to admit something inside.

What does detachment mean to you?

Why do you think it is important for your goal?

I want you to reach your goal and it will be very hard for you if you keep putting your energy into watching your wife

[CharlieBrown]

Indigo,

Went through the same thing with my W. She went through a long phase of wanting to move about 4 hours from where we live. Would spend hours online at work looking at houses online and send me link after link. What I wanted to say was:

Are you f ing crazy? I don't have a job there!

Or

Are you f ing crazy, we just moved into a new house three years ago and these are 50% more expensive!

Under either scenario, she is f ing crazy. What I learned here was listen, ask questions about why she likes that one, does she like the neighborhood, etc. and worry later about whether you are really going to need to make a choice. In my W's case, in a 3 month period she completely shifted back to wanting to live in our town. There were some times I asked if she thought we could afford it, but primarily I tried to listen.

CB

[indigo1]

Trugritter, I have detached a lot from W and do not watch her at all besides her words and interactions with me. Detachment is important to me because it allows me to work on my changes I want to make without worrying about what "other things" W may be up to. Her very quick changes are great, but I'm not going to let them hurt me if it ends up just being some weird phase in her journey. It's going to take quite a bit of these positive interactions before I even consider leaving myself open. Just taking it day by day right now, I know W is a very confused individual.

You can be as hard on me as you like.

[Truegritter]

*******2x4 warning ******

Just because you say you are detached doesn't make it so....

Posted 10-27

Oh yea, W also said that we are talking and having fun maybe even more so than when we first started dating. I'll take this as a positive for sure, but this comment came directly before the whole if she cant get thru her confusion and back to me will I play nice remark.

W calls me earlier informing me that she was in the emergency room at 1 a.m. last night. She fell face first into a coffee table while playing with my D. She sent me a pic and it looks pretty bad. Cut below her eye that required 8 stitches, cut on nose and forehead as well. Her eye is all swollen and black and blue. It kinda hurts that she did not call me last night to let me know. She said her mom is mad at her because she thinks its because she was drinking. She said she wasent, but I know she had 4 or 5 drinks around me last night. I also know she drinks almost everyday now since we got separated. I dont know how to feel about this. [color: red]I'm upset for her and wish I could have helped somehow last night.[/color] The saga continues I guess.

She is still really confused and you?

I know she is doing it to cover the pain and confusion of this whole situation. I'm not saying that makes it ok, W never was a big drinker. Maybe just a glass of wine at night nothing more.

Are in denial that she is anywhere near a place to make a meaningful decision about your life together.

She is abusing alcohol at the very least and you know yourself that doesn't lead to good decisions like telling a woman who is not your W she is hot.

What makes you think she is having some clear eyed epiphany now?

In a week?

You can't see that because you want her back so much and under ANY circumstance.

I read through your thread and I have seen you get some excellent advice from these folks and some good questions asked of you

And your response has been lip service and dogging the tough questions.

You will stay stuck if you don't start opening your eyes.

But you have all the answers Indigo. You are holding the winning hand.

I bet you an autographed picture of Justin Beeber she ain't done cooking.

The oven isn't even warmed up.

You want to know whether I know what I'm talking about?

I can dig up my thread from circa my sign on date when I was sweating the minutes and the hours and the days when I would hear from my W. You will see her advance toward me and retreat like a yo yo.

This is tough sh!t man. It is hard as he'll and here is where you will find out who really are and want to be.

Because you have to let her swing on her own yo yo string. She has got to find her way on her own or she won't be any good to you or herself until she does.

Simple question and I will hound you until you answer.

What are your goals here?

[indigo1]

Obvious goal is to get my W back. To become the kind of man I should have been all these years whether or not it results in me being with her

To be a better father to my D. To skip golf and spend the day with her instead.

To not be so selfish and always do what I want to do. In other words put my families needs in front of mine for a change. In the past if I wanted to play golf but W had other ideas, I would act miserable all day. Real great H behavior there.

There are so many ways I went wrong. I want to become a better father and possibly H if I get the chance. I know I will be a better father, the other time will tell if I get that chance.

Oh, putting up some of my old posts really helped me see what you are talking about. I'm kinda busy right now. I'll really think about everything tonight and try to really give the answers you are trying to make me see tomorrow. Thanks