Hi everyone, I’m familiar with a lot of the names around here. Few of you may recognize me, most probably wont. I’ve not posted since May of 2003! When I did I hung out in Newcomers even after my H and I started Piecing. The piecing category wasn’t so active back then, it was just starting to be. I have however lurked around on a fairly regular basis, keeping up with a few threads and reading some new people as well. This site is such a great source of information and insight. I just didn’t post as things were getting a bit more comfortable in my situation as well as life getting busy, so I just faded away from the posting. Now I have things I just need to get off my chest. It will be long winded, as I usally am. Sorry.
Quick recap? I don’t know if I can do it quickly. Let’s see H had a EA turned PA with is Volleyball partner. Intuition told me so but I didn’t find out for sure until March 2002,. 9 mos into the EA, 6 months into the PA. I had hard proof. I taped telephone conversations. (Yep, intuition was strong and I finally gave into it.) You can read the first post of my last thread for more recap of the history. It's titled A new focus.......ME
So after doing all the wrong things, I found this site in June 2002 and it helped immensely! I’m so grateful for it and all the wonderful people on it. So the rest of 2002 was hell, and quite a battle, the first couple months after finding out I was sick all the time, couldn’t keep food down or in my body for long, I lost 10 pounds on my already small 5’2 frame, worrying all the time whether or not we could make it through this. I would never ever want to re-live those days again.
Although H agreed to stop the relationship, he refused to cut all contact with OW due to her being his sport partner and mutual friend to his whole circle of friends. That was really hard to swallow for me. Thankfully Zebra a poster here was a very similar situation with his W and was able to coach me through it. I went on with my life and tried my best not to beg and plead and badger H about contact with OW. Of course I had setbacks and I did, because it was the hardest thing to do EVER. H continued to play co-ed with OW, but it did get less and less. For a while he did not want me at the tournaments, finally he asked me to go, I went and then OW stood him up. Guess she didn’t want to be around me. By the next time he asked me to go May 2003 I decided I wouldn’t go. I felt it was condoning it and I didn’t want to do that. That time the tournament canceled so it was not an issue. Then H was having shoulder problems and although there were a couple tournaments he planned to play in with the OW, they never panned out. BTW- OW got herself a boyfriend sometime in Oct-Dec of 2002.
Anyway finally OW was like a non-issue, H never played with her and I stopped worrying about her. I felt confidant that their R was over and would not ever revive. H and I never ended up at any of the same social events as OW although we have many mutual friends (H and OW’ R was never reviled to all the friends, although my BIL told me many of them suspected it) . H had surgery on his shoulder in Sept, so he couldn’t play in the co-ed league that OW in the fall that he normally does. Basically she was never discussed again. H and I were doing pretty good, we still had some communication issues, but finally my confidence in him and his faithfulness to me and our R came back. It made things a lot better. H spent a lot more time with me and was involved with our 3 yr old S more.
So I felt confidant in bringing up the fact that I really do still want at least one more child and was ready soon, so in Oct 2003 I wrote H a letter about my feelings and asking him where he stood on the issue at this point. See, ever since S was about 3 mos. old H said he changed his mind and didn’t want anymore. (He had always said in the past he would have 2-4, definitely not only 1) I of course always wanted 2-3, so it used to be mutual. I also felt he was just saying that cause of the overwhelming changes when you have your fist, and figured it would change. But then after the A, another child was the furthest thing from my mind also. No way would I have another child not knowing if we would even stay together. And anytime anyone would ask if when were having the 2nd, H always said NEVER!
Well I still wasn’t sure how serious he was when he said that and I didn’t know if he knew how serious I was that I still did want another. Anyway, H never responded to me. I didn’t bring up until the beginning of Jan. 2004. I told him I had decided to go off Birth Control because I couldn’t see making the effort myself to prevent something that I wanted. He was not happy to hear that, made some sarcastic remarks and such. He did say he understood what I was saying, but he was NOT happy. Then I said, how would I know? You never even acknowledged my letter. He said “what am I supposed to say?” An I told him he should tell me what he thinks and where he stands, is he really serious about not wanting anymore children? He said he didn’t know. I pressed him for a bit, but he just wouldn’t say. He just kept saying, what do you want me to do? I told him he needs to figure it out soon, to really think about it and figure out if he would have another now, or later, but if later give me sometime of time frame, or if never. That I needed to know.
Well he has not discussed it since, however he will not do what it takes to get me pregnant, he hasn’t even attempted to with protection, we only have other types of encounters (and not many). So obviously right now he doesn’t want one/and obviously is still not sure.
Well along with this issue, which is a big one to me, there are other things as well, that have been bothering me. To point of where I’m actually 2nd guessing my decision to have gone through all I’ve gone through to stay in this marriage. Things that have always sort of been there, just like wondering if we are even compatible. All the differences between us. How even after everything we still don’t communicate effectively. We can’t discuss anything difficult. H always gets irritated so quick and shuts down. Before learning DB, I would always pursue him and harp on him and continue the discussion until it turned into a full blown fight. I still did during a lot of the first year after the bomb. But I haven’t in months. I make a concerted effort to stop and let H walk away from me. I also hardly ever would accept blame, I now make an effort to make sure I do, sometimes even when I don’t even feel at fault.
I just feel like I have changed and it hasn’t made much difference. H doesn’t even see my changes he still accuses me of never accepting blame and not backing down from a discussion. I have found myself thinking in the last month, should we even be together? I must be crazy to even want another child with him, maybe I better rethink this. And the whole other child thing is so upsetting to me. I LOVE being a mom and I NEVER wanted an only child, I was one until I was 16 and I hated it. Not only that I feel like H lied to me, he comes from a family of 4 and always said he would never want an only child. Now he changes his mind. And who makes the decision? How do you come to an agreement on that? I don’t see it happening. It depresses me and I feel resentful.
Then aside from all that and after the last month of me doubting everything H goes and does something I see as a HUGE baby step, and I’m SO happy about it, yet part of it is a disappoint and makes me feel were still not that far. I post that next, this is soooo long. Sorry if I’m boring you.
