T-I realize what you are saying about EA vs PA. I even made this point with W immediately after BD. Told her that being emotionally invested in OM was worse than touching someone. She kept saying " I haven't touched anyone." She still doesn't get that. I guess if she ever makes it to the other side, she might understand.
Mach--I want to be the man my sons can look up to and be proud to call their father. I want to be a man that tried his best to save a relationship of 20 years. What I hope to get from standing is a greater understanding of how to create a loving relationship. I hope that includes my W at some point.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
I realize what you are saying about EA vs PA. I even made this point with W immediately after BD. Told her that being emotionally invested in OM was worse than touching someone.
Ok, but you yourself said that you don't think you could recover from a PA, yet your W is probably having an EA right now, in your MBR, with you in the bed. How does that reconcile? Is that consistent with what you have said previously?
My W wanted to put the computer I built for her to keep he off the kids' computers with her cyber activities, including the webcam, in our MBR. She was then a stay at home Mom, so had all day to play once I was at work and the kids off to school. Here I drew a line, set a boundary. No way. I told her I couldn't stop her from doing what she was doing, but it was not going to happen in OUR MBR. Too disrespectful, etc. She had a fit, spewed venom, etc.
But the computer went to "her" part of the living room. I stood firm. I haven't set too many boundaries through this, but the few I did, I held.
Thing is, you are probably going to see a lot of crap, shocking crap. You have to find why you are doing this, what "hills you are going to die on", you have to find YOUR center, know YOURSELF and who YOU are/want to be.
And then get CONSISTENT with thoughts, words and actions.
Have you been doing Cadet's homework? Reading through the archives and other people's threads?
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Mach--I want to be the man my sons can look up to and be proud to call their father. I want to be a man that tried his best to save a relationship of 20 years. What I hope to get from standing is a greater understanding of how to create a loving relationship. I hope that includes my W at some point.
Still not deep enough....
I read that you want this for your Sons....
And I get that
What about YOU ???
A greater understanding of a relationship is good....
Not deep enough...
What about YOU ???
What defines you as a man ???
You can be all that there ever was FOR your Sons, yet at the end of the day, who are you for YOU ???
You can be the best husband in the world...
And at the end of the day, who are you for you ???
The bottom line in this equation, is you....
Everything else, lets you be the Martyr in this equation..
Are you willing to sell yourself, just to be a great Father and Husband ???
Or would you rather just focus on becoming the best Man that you can be, and the rest will follow along ????
This is very good to read Mach. I am struggling with this very thing as well jfun. And the vet girls are making me dig DEEP too. I'll be watching to see what this means for you.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
Hi JFun. Haven't wanted to intrude on your "boy thread," but wanted to let you know I think you're doing great. Both in looking deep inside yourself to find the real answers, and in learning how to deal with your wife.
You asked "Question for today: How nice/cordial/friendly can I be while she goes through this without encouraging cake eating?" I think that at the beginning the stay-at-home MLCers alternate between being normal/friendly and spewing, then drop most of the spewing, and settle down to alternating between being normal/friendly and cold. After 4 years my H only spews every month or two.
Your job is to be steadfast during both parts of the MLC dance, as she tries to reel you in and cast you back out. To STFU and give her space to "think and experiment," as MWD says. But always polite, kind, approachable, cordial.
I also have put few boundaries in place with my H, but like T2, limit the area where he does his skyping and texting with OW. In our case, he moved into our son's old bedroom, and his nefarious activities are confined to that room. It helps.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
OK Mach. I'm not sure if I know how to completely answer your question yet about who I want to be for me. I'm struggling with that. It seems that every hat I wear in my life seems to be for someone else. Husband, father, job, etc. I know these are roles that we all play, but they are all in service to others.
I know the desires I have. I want to have another person that I share life with. I want to be a successful professional. I want to be a strong father figure.
I have been examining what brings me joy in life. I think that may be where to start for me. I need to find those things that truly make me happy and focus on those things. I feel like I have missed out on a lot of things and a lot of experiences in sacrifice to marriage and fatherhood. As I begin to dig deep, none of those things have to be sacrificed. They are all part of the same experience.
Example: I have never traveled much in my life. I have always wanted to see other places. My job has allowed me to travel to a few cities (Atlanta, Pittsburgh, etc.) I love to see other places and enjoy them. That has never been a part of my marriage or my family. Why? I don't know. That should be a shared experience. If W doesn't want to, then I should plan these things anyway. I deserve the experience and my kids deserve the opportunity if they choose it.
I need to learn to be my own person independent of the marriage that I've created.
In my professional life I am in control. I am a person that others look to for inspiration and leadership. I enjoy that. I have been very successful in that role. I am self confident, funny, and make people's lives better every day by caring about them. At the same time, I get fulfillment out of being that guy that people enjoy seeing. I don't think I've ever been that in my marriage. I need to just be that guy in every situation, regardless of my marriage.
I have had more people tell me how good I look and how much they like me in the past few months than in a while. As I said in an earlier post, I had a younger coworker tell me in front of 2 other women that if I wasn't married, she'd want to date me. I want to be a guy that people enjoy being around and want to be with. I want to be a guy that women and men both enjoy the company of. I also want to be able to be able to be happy enough by myself that their company doesn't matter.
Self confident. Leader. Enjoyable. Outgoing. Caring. Solid. In Control.
Best I can do today.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
I also want to be a man that stands for what he believes in. I want to know at the end of the day that I did everything I could to make right in the world. If something doesn't make me happy, I'm not going to do it any more. Being a strong, self confident man that inspires others makes me happy. Being with my kids makes me happy.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
