My last thread was locked and that was ok with me as I had a lot of work ahead of me and wanted to step away for a bit. As Betsy suggested at the end of my last thread I returned to The Journey from Abandonment to Healing book with the intent of resolving this once and for all.
Lofty goal, eh?
It’s not resolved, there is more to do. I have made some progress and I’ll accept that for now. It is time I integrate and plateau.
Part of this introspection resulting in my realizing I am not moving forward. I am marking time, waiting for X to come to her senses. Still standing I guess even though there is no indication I should.
Recognizing a problem is the first step, right? I really need to walk away from the relationship. Establish a destination and act. Easier said than done.
So what to do, what to do? For now I have too many irons is the fire to devote time to dating and I am not ready. Each time someone expresses interest I become insecure and tense up. I have not perceived interest expressed often, twice this year isn’t often. I want to put all of this off until next year and so long as that isn’t the next year that never arrives I’m good with it. I don’t think I am ready and I think if I don’t push myself to try I never will be.
In some ways I’m still grieving the lost relationship and Mom’s loss. Part of me actually thought part of X’ bailing was about Mom’s declining health. I don’t know where that would have led me if true.
The mundane continues also:
Enclosure of the storage shed remains as an ongoing project. I don’t favor working outside in the cold and damp, but (sigh) I am not a stranger to it. It is cutting into hunting. Perhaps and more properly hunting is cutting into construction.
I spent a few days in stand locally. These were not productive, but they were peaceful. The activity is bow hunting and entails a lot of thinking alone time.
I met my cousin in WV to hunt his sister’s property. Yeah she is my cousin too. For the first time in 13 years I did not bring home something for the freezer. We just did not see the volume of deer or sign in the area where we typically hunt. We did see more bear sign and during one lunch watched a young bear wander by camp cleaning up the apples we thought the deer were cleaning up at night.
There has always been a bear presence far removed from camp and seeing deer on that side of the mountain has been rare. So there is more scouting needed to find another place. We cannot legally hunt bear in that portion of WV. Frankly I have zero desire to hunt bear. My cousin on the other hand is hoping the state DNR will notice the increase in the population and establish a season before he no longer can.
In a few days I’ll visit KY for the start of their rifle season. There are rumors of boar competing with the deer population for forage. I haven’t seen evidence of this. Eyes open.
It doesn’t matter if I fail to bring home meat this year. Since last December I’ve been a weekday vegetarian and this has left an embarrassing amount of venison in the freezer.
While I was out and about my D house sat and fed the pets. I will take advantage of her offer again later this week. She said she enjoyed the break from S and DIL and last night DIL expressed appreciation of here return to their house. I guess a little absence to make the heart grow fonder is at play or perhaps it just having another adult around to assist with the child responsibilities.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
JS These are good realizations. I have had similar ones myself and have laid down my next steps.
I do not look forward to the next steps. Letting go is not easy.. and must be done in moments of strength.
The other day I was walking in the mall and I felt this overwhelming calm and excitement about moving forward. Finding a new partner. In that moment, I would have sold my wedding ring if I had it on me. I would have bought all new furniture. In that moment - I was genuinely happy about where I am.
That moment has passed but next time I will capitalize on it.. because otherwise the fear of it "truly being over" remains.
It okay that we struggle with accepting our new truth... but accepting how it can paralyze us is not okay. Only you can know when you are still healing... or when you are procrastinating.
And I think you know... but do you know what are the next steps for you to move forward?
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I have written a post to respond several times, each has caused me to reflect further.
Mostly life is really good. I become lonely from time to time and wish I was in a relationship where I could share my intimate thoughts hopes and aspirations with someone special. It will be nice to come home to someone I can converse with. My dog and the new cat are simply not filling those needs.
When I think about it the last few years of my marriage weren’t filling them either. There were bright spots, but the relationship was in trouble and I considered D myself. I guess she gave up trying before I did. It is more complex than that. I do not wish to rehash old news or write a book.
Perhaps I have passed a milestone recently; I realize I am happier now than in the years preceding the bombing run and I do not want to return to that dysfunction. I think that is on the path to letting go. I will know more when we interact at GD’s birthday party in January.
In the mean time I am looking forward to Thanksgiving with the kids. I am bringing a ham. It should be a full house with DIL’s and some of my family in attendance. Christmas is up in the air and I am not stressing over it as in the last few years.
After that I will continue along the course I have charted. I want to heal and be happier more often. I wish to be happier with my life alone before I begin to look for a relationship, if that makes any sense. I have made several new friends this last year and something may develop before then or I’ll begin dating casually and see what develops. I am not pressuring myself to meet a timeline and I have not planned ahead more than a few months with a few somewhat vague objectives well into next year.
I believe detailed planning with check mark objectives, associated with expectations lead to much of the dissatisfaction and drama experienced in my last relationship. This is an axle I will not become wrapped around again.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Each Christmas Eve X’s family meets for a traditional family meal and a gift exchange. I have attended this event each year for 31 years. I and one of the SIL’s have prepared this meal for about the last 10 years. It is SIL’s meal, I only prep and monitor the food as it cooks. The last few years the in laws have requested my presence. X did not attend in the preceding 2 years. Christmas Eve was the first time X and I have been civil for more than a few minutes while in the same building. This was a test of sorts as we are invited to our Grand Daughter’s 2nd birthday party at the in laws house in a few weeks.
I was in the kitchen prepping when X arrived. While she was exchanging pleasantries and discussing why her parents would not attend one of the SILs in the kitchen said quietly “Deep Breathes”. I thought I was handling things well, but my tension level probably became evident. I was bracing myself for no good reason. During the course of the evening X spoke to me once asking me how I was doing.
The evening went well. I had a good time. I believe I would have been more relaxed and interacted with the group more had X not attended. The salient point was we can be present, in reasonably close proximity and not be snarky. Hopefully that will continue the next time even when we are not under the watchful eyes of family.
Each of my nieces and their husbands at various points in the evening took me aside to express appreciation for my continued presence in their lives and support.
From this I take away a couple of more things.
She is done and moving on. Whether she meant me to or not I was privy to discussions she had with family about her life and where she is taking it.
I am done. I was more concerned about the how any drama we might have would affect the evening and family than how it would affect me or reflect upon me or her.
I need to dictate the pace of my life rather than allowing circumstance to do so. I began allowing circumstance to dictate when Mom’s health declined and for a time that was necessary. It is a habit to break now.
Other aspects of interaction with family over the last few days contributed to a better personal outlook.
One night a niece, her husband, my son and I visited, drank a little scotch and smoked cigars, the first cigar I have consumed in almost 40 years. We’re all vets and can draw upon common experiences.
My children made a point of have a separate gift exchange between us and invited me over for dinner tonight.
It has been a good Christmas.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
JS it is human nature to want to be with others. We're are pack animals so feeling lonely and vulnerable is normal. Wanting to have someone by yourside makes perfect sense. Don't beat yourself over it. Just ride the end of your storm and start planning for better and different times ahead. Don't let this experience skew you. It kind of happened to me. Allow yourself to trust another with your life again and you will be fine.
Ps: I don't make sense sometimes but thought I will give it a shot
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
She is done and you are done. Not everyone gets the family specifically demonstrating that they want and appreciate you. Some families would prefer it not be "awkward" so they back off. I'm grateful that yours seems to have some more authentic caring people. I have a few, but not all, and lately really notice who cares to show they care.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Rick, you make sense. I am not there yet. I plan on being me for a while yet. I think I need to. None of us knows what the future holds, but I know enough to be open to the possibilities. In the mean time I will be authentic and rebuild myself and my life.
Advina, I think, I and X’s extended family are trying to hold onto some of what was and we’ve managed reasonably well. The interaction over Christmas had high and low points. Sadly, I am not looking forward to next year. Life is fluid and changes dynamically so I cannot state how I’ll feel about participating next year. I’ll make the decision to participate or not when the time comes. Some of the family is authentic others not so much. I imagine this to be true for most everyone.
There was some X induced drama the day after Christmas (Boxing Day). It delayed dinner plans, but otherwise did not affect me even slightly. I watched it roll through family. I was a detached observer. Although it occurred to me to step in and attempt to modify the impact I did not.
Without going into detail X was checked into a hospital for observation. She presented in the ED with severe chest pain. She was released the next day. She told family she had very severe indigestion caused by an intestinal blockage that resolved itself overnight.
I’ve reserved a camp site for the RV this summer. I thought it best to get in ahead of the rush. With a little luck and planning I’ll cross another item off the bucket list.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
My GD’s 2nd birthday party was last Sunday. DIL decided to hold her party at a local Mickey Ds Play Place. It went well. This was the first time X and I were able to treat each other like strangers. Perhaps it was the neutral ground and or lessons learned from Christmas. I am just happy to have been able to succeed at that goal, now to build on that success.
I gave GD an IPAD. It’s a little early, but her father had access to a desktop from her age. I used airline miles to procure it. GD’s personality was shining through until she became tired and the frosting on her cake caught up to her.
I am still healing slowly. I can mark improvements from as recently as six weeks ago. These are mostly acceptance and attitude.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
It has been a little over three years since the bombing run and almost two years since the divorce became final.
Saturday last I attended a niece’s birthday party. She is the youngest niece and for a time was a daughter. We’ve always been close. My kids were there and I played with my Grand Daughter for a little while. DIL left early. SIL2 was making Tacos and the smell of the ground beef cooking was making DIL nauseated.
X also attended. X decided to leave early too. I stayed for a couple of more hours while we played cards and socialized.
SIL2 invited me along on a camping trip into the Smoky Mountains in early June to view synchronous fireflies. I had to decline as I already have plans for the end of May and a longer trip at the end of June. My boss is not happy with my two week continuous June vacation request and I doubt another week in June would be approved.
I’m a little embarrassed posting that the biggest drama in my life is about time off work.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
