I Believe it Cause I Feel It

[Whiterose]

He's off with friends. I was going to make him a dinner of his choice, birthday tradition, but he's going to meet the friends for dinner now too......they're going to a pub. He's legal to get in now.

I wonder why the night before S18's birthday? Oddly enough hrs still friends with my BIL. Oh, I'm probably reading too much into it. I know he talked to S Sunday night and was not happy that I changed the password to the iTunes acct. I was worried that if he logged into iCloud through his Apple TV that he could see all my photos. Anyway, my cc has been on the acct for months and I changed it even though it was set up in his email it was a family acct. he told S that he's lost all the music he's paid for, I would like to remind him WE paid for but mute point. He wanted to by the new Eminem album......ummmm, on my cc?

I've been in such a funk the last little while. I don't understand what's wrong with me

[Pudmuddle]

I've been in such a funk the last little while. I don't understand what's wrong with me

There is nothing wrong with you. You are in a funk, and it's ok. You are experiencing some emotions that you need to get out. Go scream in a field, cry in the shower, run to china and back, do whatever it takes to get those feelings out. Holidays coming up makes it so very d*mn hard to take all of this other cr@p in too.

There has been no discussion in our respective families yet on what we all are doing for holidays and I'm kind of not looking forward to that, so I hope it all goes well. For you too.

Happy Bday to your S!

[Whiterose]

It's funny Pud I start to tear up but then crying doesn't come.....It's like my body wants to cry but my brain won't allow it.

WOW 19 years. 19 years almost to the minute since he walked into my hospital room with a big bear for S18 and he actually started talking to me again. Here I am again waiting for him to talk to me like a human being again. Like the last 7 months have been the worst dream and he's just at work and will be home for dinner.

Ahhhh Christmas. He11 with bells I'm calling it right now. I hope you guys can figure it out amicably. This just 3ucks!!!!

[Pudmuddle]

So funny you should mention the tear thing. I was like that last week. I even tried to think of sad thoughts(other than H stuff) just to see if I would tear up and I couldn't! Maybe exercise like heck to get those endorphins flowing?

It's so interesting how those days, births of our children, can be remembered so vividly, and now they are grown! Whoa, what happened! So don't wait for H, go relish the splendor that is YOU. Do something really positive for yourself today, ok? promise?

It does feel like a dream at times, I totally agree, I keep thinking I will wake up and it will be normal again. That's why it's hard in my sitch, because I have a nice mlc'er and it feels SO NORMAL at times, then makes me sad because it really isn't.

We will get through the holidays, we will survive. I'll be there with you in spirit.

[Portia]

WR,

We all have our foggy, grey days. They seem to descend for no particular reason. I actually think mine are linked to PMS - funny but true!

Here's hoping that you have more moments of happiness than not; believe it or not, that time will come.

[Whiterose]

Well, I cried. A few times yesterday. I had created these series of collage pics of S19 as a baby and posted them throughout the day. It was hard going through so many pics with H in them. I didn't use any with him or his family.

By the time I got home from work, did done shipping, made dinner and did a bit more work I got to sit on the couch at 9. S14 and I watched Bones together then I cried while trying to go to sleep. During dinner S14 said, after seeing a Christmas commercial, "I think if dad has a couple of holiday days without us he'll realize he needs us". I almost broke done right there. I told him I didn't think H was in a place to realize that. That I didn't think he would be for a long time. He went quiet.

Those normal moments must be hard to guage Pud. Not sure which way to feel. Must be extremely difficult not to get your hopes up every time. We'll be with each other in spirit for sure!!!!

Portia, I think mine are too, actually. It all coincided with S's bday so it's made it a little worse. I'm hoping sooner rather than later. I feel like such a shmuck for e run having feelings for him at all!! He goes out to a pub with S19 tonight for drinks......see how that goes I guess

Thankf you both for you're support!!

[Whiterose]

Messaged H at 3:20 to let him know there was a box of stuff in the greenhouse when he picked up S tonight. I was at work which, in traffic, takes me 1/2 hour to get home.

I come driving down my main road and see a huge truck turning right into my alley and I think, no way!!!!, YUP, it's him and I turned left to go into the alley right behind him. He stopped in front of the car port and then pulled forward so I could get in. I parked and went and stood behind my van for a couple of seconds. He refused to look up from his phone. When he did he started to roll down the window (the passenger side is on my side) and before it's down I point to the greenhouse and say "you have a box of stuff". He looks at me and I walk to the other side of my van to get my stuff out. He never got out, S19 grabbed the box of stuff, they waited a few seconds minutes and drove away.

This was the first time we've made eye contact since mid June. I had put on some lipstick and taken my hair out of its pony tail before I left work so I didn't look too bad....I don't think.. He looks pale and like he's lost weight.

Did I do ok? Should I have not said anything??

[Whiterose]

I should say he appeared very annoyed that I had stood there

[Pudmuddle]

I think you did great. I'm so sorry to hear that is the first time you have seen him since June. Wow.

It is so sad that he couldn't even be polite to you. I think you had every right to stand there. Let him be annoyed. It's not you, it's HIM. What a weenie. Sorry to hear that.

But I think you did just fine. Don't sweat the small stuff

[Whiterose]

Hi Pud

Thanks for that!! I appreciate the support. Yup, the last time I actually saw him was when he dropped off S14 from a weekend visit .

He's not talking to me at all. At all! Not quite sure what that is about.......I know he hates me but c'mon, seriously?!?!

He took S19 to the keg. Got him a card. Had him home by 7. Visa called our house today looking for him. I was working so S took the call. Said he doesn't live here anymore and died t know where (true) and gave his cell number, which they have. He called me freaking out asking if this was going to mean I had to pay more. I said it's his dad's problem. Where does all his money go????

Wonder if he went through the box? Lots more pics and some c'amping stuff, including some dishes and a frying pan. A blanket his mom made. Didn't wasn't it and it would look good on his naked mattress on the floor. :p