THANK YOU, rH!!! You are so sweet to take the time to write all that to me! Because our sitches and H's seem so similar, I really value your words!
Others around me keep telling me to give up...that he wasn't that great to begin with, etc....and I keep feeling so stupid for continuing to love him. Seriously, he treats me horribly...and yet, I still love him so much. Makes no rational sense, really. But, reading your story...it really helps me stay focused on what my end goal is. ______________________________________________________
When is he telling the truth? When is he not? I know, right?! Ugh. Now, he's "making up" affairs to hurt me (his words).
There was a point during replay that my H asked me not to ask him any questions. He said the reason was b/c if he didn't want to answer truthfully he would have to make up a lie. And he didn't wanna lie, but felt I was forcing him to lie, by asking questions. That is good insight. H just mentioned yesterday about the need to tell lies because he doesn't want me to know what he's really thinking. It is messed up...because lies take so much more energy and time.
but was the baby worth it? Of course!
Good analogy...I did NOT have easy pregnancies or labors with any of my four kids!!! LOL! But, yes, they are SO worth it.
My H and I didn't have the perfect R beforehand either. We didn't have the perfect beginning. I knew from the beginning he was an excellent liar, and he hid things. As the years passed, there were occasions where he would lie to my face about important things for months and years, and it wasn't till I caught him, that he would admit truth. This pattern continued. Sounds just like my R. 100%. In my H's case, it totally stems from his childhood...I can see that now.
And I wasn't perfect either. Yeah, I thought I was pretty near perfect....but looking back, that self-righteousness was part of what killed our R.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ He was such a fake before MLC. I still loved him, but thought we put on a good act. I don't feel that any more. I feel it's so "real". Wow! That is how I think of my H. He has always put on another personality for others. The person he really is was not the person he showed the rest of the world. I used to wonder if it wore him out being like that.
But I'm so glad I stayed and gave my heart another chance at love. So glad I learned and grew and changed too.
I'm glad for you, too, rH! I'm glad your M is healing and so much better...that you've found happiness and love on the "other side"...:)
A long time ago I used to read Khalil Gabran poetry. And I always remember a part of a poem that said something like the depth of the scoop of pain that you dig, is the depth of joy you can experience in life. Something like that. And that's how I feel on this side of MLC.
I can totally "get" that philosophy. Kinda goes along with the fact that those people who are the most compassionate, understanding people are the ones who been through he!l and back...the more you experience in life, the better you become.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
And one of the reasons I hung on was I knew H would always be in my life. I wasn't getting "rid" of him by D. I tried to picture him past MLC, into acceptance. A mature, handsome man. I tried to picture him coming to our son's wedding many years down the road. We are both there in mind's eye. He is with someone else. I am with someone else. Is my heart still yearning for him? Will I have wished I stayed and knew it could have been me hanging on his arm. Smiling together at our son? Thoughts like these kept my heart open for reconciliation.
And now...now...when I have our two boys and us together...the four of us...it thrills me. I love knowing our sons can have BOTH parents to help/nurture or laugh/play with them. We are a team.
I've thought about that, too. That H will NEVER be out of my life...not with four kids to raise and, then, grandkids and so on. And, I can say right now, that it breaks my heart to picture him and I married to other people in the future and still having to be in contact. I don't want that. I want my H with me in our M...but a better, new M.
Of course. And my heart felt comfort and nurturing that both of his parents were there. And, I want this so much for my kids, as well.
I didn't trust my H. I trusted the process. I trusted this forum. I trusted job. I trusted others here. And I knew that if H & I didn't reconcile, I would still be better off as a person. WOW! Very insightful. GOOD STUFF right there!
