wife hardens heart-5

[labug]

Thanks PM, that's your version and viewpoint. I'd like to hear from Planet.

Although that will probably be difficult at this point.

[planet]

Also you didn't answer this completely: Has your W ever put your kids in danger or done something inappropriate with them? You allowed her to make these decisions on her own before, why suddenly do you have to know about it? Is it because you're concerned about their welfare or you want to fight with W?

XW have never put my kids in danger or have done something inappropriate with them. She makes her decisions regarding the kids and informing me later.
I would love to have nothing more than an amicable relationship with XW especially when it comes to our kid's welfare. I would love for us to have some sort of understanding and have mutual decisions regarding the kids.
I do not want to fight her. I do not wish the kids to grow up seeing their parents at odds with each other. I have always maintained that believe.
I'd like to be more involved in my kid's life. I wish I could sent them to classes and actually see them enjoying themselves. I missed that. I think it is unfair that I'm being kept out of the loop. I realized that I'm not a better parent if I knew nothing of the classes.

Admit that you were a poor father before and you are determined to not make the same mistakes. Thank her for "waking" you up. Tell her that even though things are difficult right now, you are appreciative that she made you a better father. The kids deserve that - they deserve you - and now they will have you.

Regarding the classes, try wording it in a way that makes you sound interested in the kids' lives and not that your approval is required. You can always go back to the line, "I was a poor father before, but I won't be making those same mistakes anymore."

Keep ramming the same points home when she questions you. Don't engage in the arguments/bickering/guilt trips. Smile...because you're better than that.

-PM

I have thanked her for waking me up many months back. I told her my wants and feelings regarding the classes she sents and planned to sent my kids to. It is the same reason I wrote above.

Other than allowing a "friend" to become someone the kids call "Daddy" while immaturely creating as much friction as possible along her diligent journey to drive a wedge between a man and his children? I'm not being a smart ass - I DO see her side of the story, but it doesn't justify her actions as "right". Understandable, but still wrong and inappropriate.

IIRC, she has threatened to kill herself on more than one occasion as well as having extremely loud/angry/yelling emotional breakdowns with the children near or present.

-PM

I think I do understand her position. She may want my children to warm up to her new man but I think she is crossing the line between what is right and what is wrong. This confuses the children especially in this short period of time.
XW is truly an emotional being. I have accepted her as she is and never seek to change her. I married her for life.
I have lived with her breakdowns for many years and I admit I have reacted badly in the past. I have stayed relatively calm after BD while venting it later through this forum. I mean I don't react to her moments like I used nor respond to her outburst but I still want her to see my POV.

Although that will probably be difficult at this point.

Do you think I harbor resentment?
Why do you think I'm angry?
I would say yes to resentment up to a certain point. I wished for a second chance and have expressed it to her. I wished that there is no OM and have hoped she would have realized her actions earlier. I wished she could share the going ons in my kid's life with me. I wished she could just let go of her resentment towards my family, it is not good to her well being.
XW told me that she will always love me and would rather die than to not have me. She have repeated this many times in the past and I believed her.
Am I angry? No. I don't go around hurting people around me. I vented my frustrations through this forum and some friends and family. I am upset over this situation I'm in. It seems like there are never ending drama happening.
I'd like nothing more than to be with my kids and having a good time.
Do I blame her? I wrote out my feelings based on my current emotional state in regards to XW's actions. I understand blame. I don't blame her for what's has happened and have defended her from my best friend. I learned why she is behaving the way she is now and her reasons for wanting out.

[labug]

My comment above was because I was concerned you would be influenced by PM's post. Thanks for answering honestly.

I think you're angry because you sound angry, I'm not saying you shouldn't be angry. I think I addressed all that in a previous post. Anger in and of itself is not a bad thing, it's sometimes helpful but to not acknowledge it and continue to act from that place is troublesome.

Be as involved as you can be in your kids' lives, it just may not be with xW's assistance right now. That's OK. Let this thing about the classes go. Ask your kids about the classes. There are going to be lots of things that happen when they are with your XW that you will know nothing about, just like things will happen when they're with you that she knows nothing about. That's a given and it's OK unless either of you are endangering the Ds.

About the Daddy thing, who knows where it started. I know that must be painful, I would have been heartbroken. Tell her your objections calmly and see what happens. Don't make it something where they will be "in trouble" if they call him daddy. No matter what they call you, if you act like a daddy, you will always be their daddy. Heck, have them call you your given name! Words only have the power we give them.

Actions are so much more important than words.

[MrBond]

I agree with labug. You are still angry and frustrated.

Have you read any books about how to handle children of divorce? It would probably help you to deal with them.

[planet]

Yes. I am very frustrated especially at recent events. It seems I may never have my family back.

All this hoping and having faith is taking a huge toll on me. I don't like to be disappointed anymore. Every time I tell myself to move on but I just end missing what I used to have. I am more disappointed with myself for not progressing the way I wanted to.

Yes I am still hurting and grieving. I do understand my flaws and my part in the breakdown of my marriage. I took all the blame for it.
I understand now that I'm not always a bad father and husband. There are good times. I understand now that I am not to be blamed for everything that has happened in my M. It took me a great deal to forgive myself and I have not forgotten my part in it.
I do not need XW but I do want her in my life. I could care for my children without her but there certain things I wish I could be as mindful as XW in regards to the kids.

I do not equate frustrations to anger. I realized my recent writings may show some blame shifting towards XW. I honestly thought we could have at least an amicable relationship especially in regards to our kids.

D4 remained as she is now but she warmed to me and we played for hours two days ago. Yesterday she avoids me again and lied about about me pinching her on her cheeks to her mother. Why is she behaving this way? Is it because I punished her the other day that she avoids me now?
I bought a book that has a full a chapter on being a single parent. It is generally about being a better dad.

I have met new people and are connecting well. I am will joining a group of single parents in a church cell soon. I hope to reach out to similar people and gather some form of support.
I have not been putting much effort on my project. Nevertheless, This have a great potential of lifting myself out of financial doldrums but it requires much sacrifice that may involve time with my children and my financial support for them.
I am in a crossroad. I do not know whether it is the right thing to put myself first.

I don't know what life is trying to teach me. I am still searching for answers.
The board game that I played really surprises me. Nothing happens in randomness.

[labug]

Planet, that's a great post. I see that you're searching and it is difficult, we so want to know Why? There is no answer to that. Life happens and we can learn and grow and prosper or we can become angry, closed down, bitter.

The choice is yours.

I looked up the definition of frustration, frustration is a common emotional response to opposition. Related to anger and disappointment, it arises from the perceived resistance to the fulfillment of individual will.

I would guess that sums up what you're feeling. I've been there too. It's painful and there is no telling yourself to move on and it magically happens. What helps you move on is taking positive steps and it sounds like you are by the church groups, reading, connecting with new people, etc. What other things could you do?

While your D4's behavior may be concerning, it's most likely a very normal part of her adjustment to the changes that are going on in her life. Kids need to feel consistency from those they love, continue to love her, don't get intense about what she calls you, have fun with them. They can bring you lots of joy.

You've accepted your part in the breakdown of your M, now use that to guide your changes, as you have been. It does no good to dwell on the past but you must acknowledge that things between you and xW may take a long time to get better, if they ever do. That's one expectation you should have

You will grieve as long as you grieve, accept that but take steps to fill your time with other things, the pain will lessen.

You can do this, Planet.

[planet]

I have been here for quite sometime now. With the help of many, I pushed through initial struggles and was forced to face the hard truth.

I learned that a man must put his wife first and should have protected her feelings. Anyway, something really missing was how we did not manage communicating our wants and needs to each other in the right way.

I know my family said and did some wrong things that have hurt her feelings. Although those are true events but something XW did miss out was there wasn't any malice intended. Nobody was going out in their way to hurt her and it is unfortunate that she kept replaying it in her head as if it happened every single day. She is torturing herself and I wish she could seek help.

I got past my fear of being replaced as a father. I know my kids will always know who their old man is if I do my part right. Actually my relationship them improved after BD. I found so much joy in them.

I also learned that this M have to end before a new one is too begin. Letting go is hard. Uncertainty is very difficult. I am aware that I'm relatively new in this process and must practice lots of patience.

The 180s still confuses me. I'm not sure if my changes were due to heighten awareness due to DB. Can it be permanent?

Right now, I am more concerned about my two girls. They seemed so confused. D4 not behaving like she used to. D3 almost calling me by OM's name a number of times. They are just too young to be thrown into this mess. All I want is to protect them.

Recent events have completely thrown me off track. I really do not know how to deal with XW and especially D4. It is frustrating. If I keep this up, I know resentment will sip in. I don't want that to happen.
I have never deal with so many things at once. Problems with M, problems with kids, problems with money, problems at work, problems in starting a business, prodigal son guilt, etc. The one thing I find most difficult is finding the true ME.

Damn that 'nothing happens in randomness' keeps playing in my head for days now. What is it I'm to learn?

[JayMan]

@planet - The other day S5 sat on my lap and wouldn't move, clung to me. The next day he was throwing himself on the ground with a huge fit and wouldn't let me touch him. I know it stinks, but I think you're seeing normal behavior from kids who have had their lives turned upside down and are confused. Also, if your W is like mine, she is not a good disciplinarian - thus the huge fits that never happened with me.

I think you should worry less about their moods from day to day and just concentrate on being consistent and loving; no matter how they act. Kids crave boundaries, loving discipline, structure...

I know you have a lot on you, and I'm sorry for that. Sometimes typing words in a box frustrates me when I see some of the pain on here...

[planet]

I visited my kids after work today. Played with them for a short while until the XW announces that she will be going out. Naturally the kids wanted to go too.

The kids went upstairs with MIL to have their baths. I was left alone with XW in the living room. I didn't know what to talk to her and she was busy reading the newspaper anyway so I just fiddle my mobile. Then I left the room to go sit somewhere else.

The interaction wasn't positve at all. We basically just ignore each other.
I don't know how I reached where I have completely nothing to say to her and felt pretty much alright with being strangers. Not a good way to rebuild a relationship.

She left later with OM. Honestly, I don't feel great pain anymore but in shorter less intense feeling. Detachment in progress I suppose.

I don't know how to descibe this feeling I have every time I know I won't be liking the outcome of events pertaining to XW. The heart just tugs hours before the actual event takes place. For instances, I have been having heart tugs all afternoon while working and I know something not to my liking will happen but I wouldn't know the reason for it. Lo and behold, XW going out with OM hours later.
Terrible way to live.

[labug]

Planet, you have a whole load of expectation there.

Leaving to sit somewhere else was a good thing to do. You don't have anything to say to each other right now. That's OK, that's today. Having no interaction is better than having negative interaction.

Terrible way to live

What can you do about that?