Confusion Reigns Part 4

[reachingHigher]

Hi Angela!

My mind is spinning from your last update that I read. I can't imagine what you are gong through...when is he telling the truth? When is he not?

There was a point during replay that my H asked me not to ask him any questions. He said the reason was b/c if he didn't want to answer truthfully he would have to make up a lie. And he didn't wanna lie, but felt I was forcing him to lie, by asking questions.

It's so messed up.

rH...others who are reconciling....is it really worth it? Worth the lies, the pain, the not-knowing? Worth my heart being in total shreds tonight after hearing all morning what a horrible, awful wife I've been, etc.

Is it worth it when your marriage wasn't that great to begin with?

I know many of the posters here aren't in the "reconciliation" phase. And I don't know if its worth it for you, Angela. I guess I can only share my story.

It's easy to say it was worth it now....now I'm experiencing a wonderful R with my H.

And I am at a loss at what to compare it to. I tried to think I might compare it to pregnancy....I threw up a lot during pregnancy, constantly nauseous, gained 80 pounds each time, had a hard birthing experience....but was the baby worth it? Of course!

But you may not have had similar pregnancy and labor experience, idk.

My H and I didn't have the perfect R beforehand either. We didn't have the perfect beginning. I knew from the beginning he was an excellent liar, and he hid things.

As the years passed, there were occasions where he would lie to my face about important things for months and years, and it wasn't till I caught him, that he would admit truth. This pattern continued.

He also had yearnings for a different life. He also was distant, difficult and resentful at times.

And I wasn't perfect either. He said a switch clicked in my brain after having our second son and I wasn't as interested in ML. This is true. I did it out of duty and obligation, not desire. Also, I am somewhat Type A personality and that isn't always easy to live with. So I'm sure during MLC, he was thinking of all my bad traits too and wondering if it was "worth it" to come back home.

And you do know my H wasn't mean really, but did rewrite history and said he never loved me, how manipulative I was, how he wasted the best years of his life with me, how I could never truly understand him, how he felt something "break" inside him and could never get the romantic feeling for me back again (he constantly told that to everyone else too), and other things along the MLC script.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Angela, I don't know you and your H. I wish I could wave a magic wand and have you feel and be better. And for your H to be a man. But it doesn't work that way. For whatever reason, you, him, me, my H, have to take this "journey" as they say.

I can tell you I don't agree with everything my H does now. But our R is stellar. We have something special. He is so much more peaceful and in tune with himself. He is calm, thinks rationally, cares about himself, me, his boys, his home, his job, his stuff.

He was such a fake before MLC. I still loved him, but thought we put on a good act. I don't feel that any more. I feel it's so "real".

Do I think H is totally trustworthy? No. Do I think he would lie to me now? Yes. But he is moving in a direction of transparency and acceptance. We aren't at the end of our journey. I don't think we ever will be. But I'm so glad I stayed and gave my heart another chance at love. So glad I learned and grew and changed too.

A long time ago I used to read Khalil Gabran poetry. And I always remember a part of a poem that said something like the depth of the scoop of pain that you dig, is the depth of joy you can experience in life. Something like that. And that's how I feel on this side of MLC.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

As last year (2012) was drawing to a close and D papers were signed by me and I was expecting H to sign them between Christmas and New Years, I kept asking myself how I will feel without H in my life. Who will I call when I'm in trouble? Who will ever know me as well as he? But I got through it.

And one of the reasons I hung on was I knew H would always be in my life. I wasn't getting "rid" of him by D. I tried to picture him past MLC, into acceptance. A mature, handsome man. I tried to picture him coming to our son's wedding many years down the road. We are both there in mind's eye. He is with someone else. I am with someone else. Is my heart still yearning for him? Will I have wished I stayed and knew it could have been me hanging on his arm. Smiling together at our son? Thoughts like these kept my heart open for reconciliation.

And now...now...when I have our two boys and us together...the four of us...it thrills me. I love knowing our sons can have BOTH parents to help/nurture or laugh/play with them. We are a team.

S14 came to our bed a few nights ago at 4:30 am and said he had a bad dream. Could he get in bed with us? Of course. And my heart felt comfort and nurturing that both of his parents were there.

This isn't to minimize the serious effects MLC had had on our family. It has changed all the dynamics. But H & I are healthier now in our M, so that helps us work through things together.

So, for some of these reasons, and many others (total disruption of my life, effects of D on boys, to name a couple) I am glad I stayed. It was worth it.

I didn't trust my H. I trusted the process. I trusted this forum. I trusted job. I trusted others here. And I knew that if H & I didn't reconcile, I would still be better off as a person.

Hope this helps.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through right now.

If you post on my thread I'll get an email message and could answer you more speedily if you need help right then.

Thinking of you today,
hugs,
rH