The Big Chill

[Whiterose]

You know it's funny Pud I look at some other H's and see the characters I really wanted in a H......mine was unable/unwilling to be for me.

A big one for us was dinner. Most of our married life I did ALL the cooking, and I do enjoy it, I don't want to be responsible for it everyday. My part-time tenant now cooks one night a week. He rents a room, while working in town 4 days a week, and he cooks for me and the boys one night and I cook a second night. When he goes home to his family he does a majority of the cooking and I think to myself "wow, is that what it's like?" My H used to tell me he married an Italian so he wouldn't have to come home from work to cook, clean, etc. I used to feel so guilty, and then angry, that I couldn't get him to take even one night a week. I used to say millions of people come home from work and make dinner! Now, I think, you need to figure dinner out every day and I get someone that takes one night a week! Lol. And although he's not my H one day, maybe, I can find one that can take over......and I kinda like it! Lol. OR there can be a miracle and my H will see it wasn't as bad as he thought and come home?? Oh who knows what I want!?!?!?

I've come to the conclusion our journey can be as exhausting as theirs. We'll take it moment by moment Pud:)

[Pudmuddle]

Thanks wr. Yes I didn't want this guy I spoke to. to be my H but I was so astounded that someone got it. ah well, my H is who he is. Miracles can happen, so I've been told.

Anyhoo, I went out with some old friend tonight had drinks and chatted about old memories and stuff. My H had sent a text earlier in the day letting me know he was taking my S to this Halloween thing at his karate school. He said he would take him and pick him up, fyi and then didn't know if I was going out to happy hour? For some reason I chose not to answer this one, at all. Let him guess a little. It was a fun time with some friends I really missed and had pushed away from during my depression. They were all very understanding so it was nice to feel loved.

Then I came home about 7 and lo and behold H is still there, sitting on the couch eating a bowl of ice cream. Why, my goodness he had plenty of free time to go see AW, why was he still at home? Hmmmmm? I didn't ask because I didn't really care. He said hi how are you as I came in but I didn't hear it because I made a beeline for the bathroom first.

Then I came out and he said you must not have heard me. I said oh did you say something? He said yeah, I asked how you were. I said Oh, I'm fine! Then I went into the kitchen and got a water bottle then headed straight upstairs to my room, to go dim.

Weird that he was at home when he had opportunity to do other stuff. Does that sound like a guy who wants to separate, leave his W? Pffffft, who knows, lol. I don't really care right now. Wine does that for you.

[Whiterose]

Glad you went out with friends. A couple of my girlfriends are about to pick me up and take me and S14 for dinner (I'm on pacific time). Maybe there's a martini in my future. Lol.

The dimming must be working for you. That's great! Let him sit there and eat his ice cream. You have better places to be

[cat04]

Hi cat,

Part of the problem with just being roommates for me is I feel my H already felt that way before BD. So I feel like I either need to fully pull away or do the opposite, which is where I get confused. I remember him saying 'we can just continue to be roommates and co-parent like we have been' shortly after BD.

Pud,

You always seem to have some sort of excuse as to why something won't work...

Yes your H already felt like roommates before BD. They all do. For them, the M is already at least half baked, if not ready to come out of the oven.

They don't just wake up one day and decide to spring things on us. They have been thinking about this. Working on it in their own way (which usually doesn't include any sort of direct conversation with us).

Thinking of him as a roommate is a way for you to take the focus off of him and your M, which right now, is all you can do.

I'm sorry to hear you had breast cancer, thank you for sharing that part of your life with me.

Thank you for saying that. Although it is something I hate hearing.

Two separate incidences with breast cancer. Cervical cancer. A family history of alcoholism so prevalant that the smell of a beer makes me want to vomit. I could go on. I have always said I could write a movie of the week or two. LOL. All of which is discussed in my threads and posts.

I am not a victim of any of it. I am stronger because of all of it.

Look, I know this sukcs. I get that. If you choose not to learn about it, you are doing yourself and your H a disservice.

If you keep making excuses based on the past, based on your H's reactions or possible reactions, it is only going to hurt you in the long run.

You use a lot of buts...

I hate buts. They negate whatever came before them.

Keep working and digging.

Something we haven't really touched on and I think it is time...

What do you think you need to change about you in order for you to be happier, kinder, more attractive?

[Pudmuddle]

I had to step away from these boards for awhile, I was too in my own head and couldn't grasp what I needed to do without posting here every hour.

Since then, cat :), I have read and read about MLC, HS website, books, etc about everything going on right now. And it helped A LOT to remove myself for a little bit.

I read the For Women Only book that was immensely helpful. I saw in that book things I had been doing to him for years. Little digs with the sarcasm. Although I thought I had cut out sarcasm, because it is really Anger's Ugly Cousin, but I still had a tinge in my words and tone. These were things that probably cut him to the core.

What do I want to change about me? I want to be kinder with more Grace and more Truth. Not separately, but together, grace and truth can only go together if you want to live with dignity. Because the two by themselves only lead to more bitterness or anger. I want to treat everyone I meet with kindness and no longer think that most people are disappointing because they aren't. It's only how you view them. This is what I want for ME and no one else. FINALLY I get that. I no longer care to do these things just to make someone else happy, I'm doing it for ME.

I want to be in shape, so that I look and feel good and...I am there. Even if I still have 30 more pounds to lose, I am dressing better, grooming better and actually glowing! Someone who hadn't seen me in awhile, said the other day, you look so HEALTHY! That felt so good.

I want to be the best me I can be, regardless of my alien H.

So update:

We had a very nice weekend. We seemed to talk and laugh and joke, watch tv, etc. Then I went to my S's motocross race, (H was racing too), but I went for my S. It was a nice day out and they both hadn't race in a while. At one point, S had crashed and H sent me a text before I got there to mention this. He had crashed but it wasn't serious. Thank goodness. Then after I got there H seemed to be really comfortable talking to me about how S seems to psyche himself out and I just let him talk about it. He hasn't been comfortable with that because I used to control the conversations when it came to our S. But still H seemed angry with him for crashing, which I thought was odd, but in character for H... How can you control a crash? seriously.

Then after that another kid crashed only this time it was so bad that they had to resuscitate the kid, because his heart stopped! Yikes! I then reminded H well at least that didn't happen to our S!

Then after we got home that night I wanted some wine so I went to the store. Asked H if he wanted some and he said Sure. We had wine, while he made dinner, watched some shows on Tv and really laughed about things. It was so NORMAL it was nice. But alas.

Then today as I'm driving home from work I get a call on my cell and it's H, so I don't answer. he left a long message detailing how he picked S up from after school, let the dogs out, fed the dogs, talked about how one of them doesn't seem to be sick anymore, and casually works in how he is going out to watch Monday night football at a bar, and then mumbles at the very end how he won't be home tonight...

Really. D*mn alien. I just hate that H seems so NICE and then BOOM. <singing>Shot to the heart and your to blame, darlin' you give love a bad name...guitar rif!

But I told myself aloud in the car that I needed to Refocus, not get angry, remember the more time he spends with AW the more she will start demanding, remember that he has 'affaired down' and that he is still in serious replay right now. Although, I am seriously starting to dislike football...lol. After that I cranked the radio and jammed some 80s tunes! A good 80s beat always invigorates the soul!

Went to pick up my guitar, got some Subway sandwiches for S and I and I bought more wine for me. So I can watch a movie and drink a glass of wine and enjoy the lightness of ME.

[Pudmuddle]

ok. so h said on vm that he wouldn't be home tonight, and here it is 10 o'clock here and he is home. Interesting...

[Ab Fab]

Good to read that you are doing things just for you -hope it feels good.

And see, H came home after all...

[Ambivalent]

Glad he came home.

[makingmagic]

Hope the wine was good! Love wine!

[Pudmuddle]

Thanks Aa. He did come home yes, was a shocker to me. I get on my own rollercoaster so it has been an up for a bit. Then last night I had thoughts roiling through my head all night so didn't sleep well. All thoughts about H, OW, our M, everything. Then I had a nice dream where he was kissing me and wanting to kiss me and ML. Nice as that was, it made me sad too! Sheesh.

Thanks ambiv, I've been keeping up on your sitch and I have to say your latest post are the exact thoughts I have about everything going on with my H too. Is it worth it? I hope you will be at peace soon with whatever direction you decide. I'm rooting for you.

Thanks mm. lol, it was nice wine, now I feel the need to stay home from work to take a mental day, need sleeeep LOL.