sometimes i would like to be (overtly) more "the man" my mom raised me to be. damn hormones -
that litany of her little "true-isms" that shaped us: "the lord helps those that help themselves"; "if you're going to cry- i'm going to give you something to cry about" - "DO UNTO others what you'd have them do unto you"; "if you don't have anything nice to say , don't say anything at all"; "if your friends jump off a bridge, are you going to do it too?"; (hey- remember all this old junk???
"eat your _______, children are starving in africa"; " a penny saved is a penny earned;" " a stitch in time is worth 9"; good old mom - not one thing ever happened in life that was not "it's your own darn fault". ...
we sure had alot to answer for - everyone alive- (wellk, except her - her troubles were all as a result of someone else- while alllll of us in the rest of the universe were our own worst enemies - -
honestly tho, like everyone else- she was doin the best she could with what she had - i'm pretty darn sure. coulda been a heck of alot worse.
AND SO ON- GREAT AREN'T THEY:??? and i wonder why i am the way i am. oh well- better than alot i'd say - and workin on it alllll the time anyway still...
i'll get "there" one of these days- whereever the heck "there" is. i do like proverbs and sure hope i'm "doin onto others", etc.
i'd settle for feeling i knew one darn thing "for absolutely sure" and that ANYTHING in the universe was something you could count on forever. that would not seem to be true- i think it's one concept i really don't want to accept- but kind of HAVE - in light of last few years &mlc.
oh well huh - end of innocence for real.
going to have a good day today or die trying. finish he darn ck book- call & talk to (d ada da dummmmm- nazi sis) eeeeeeek
hearing her h's voice other day- really set me back. makes me realize what a giant emotional mwental aversion i have to them and their particular emotional violence thing. wierd, isn't it- your baby sister making ya feel dread???
anyway- doing okay today adn thank you both for your understanding.
this journey of mine has really really changed me soooo much. not just the bad, "i don't care" junk i'm working on- but more "open" , more accepting that life is fullll of odd & unaccountable , unexpected junk, we need to be able tyo flow with it- (i nevert thought i'd survibve this- no kidding - and look, 2+ years of "accepting" worst info i've ever learned and i'm not dead or nuts - i'd say a huge victory.
i feel cautiously proud of self a bit to stll be standing. no promises on future- one day (truly) at a time. i'd think a better way to be and live- i do "get it" - IT ALL could change or be gone tomorrow-
today- alive, healthy, sane , pretty garden (even messy bits), warm house, some good good friends, okay brain (i hope- cautiously optimistic about sanity remaining) - etc.
my cup is truly half full - now to hang onto that notion til i fall off my twig...
thanks & have a wonderful day.
(so,l when am i more "sickening" ? when i'm positive or negative??? it's quite a toss up isn'ty ity? if i could find the middle and remain "even" i'd give quite alot.
