Planet, that's a great post. I see that you're searching and it is difficult, we so want to know Why? There is no answer to that. Life happens and we can learn and grow and prosper or we can become angry, closed down, bitter.
The choice is yours.
I looked up the definition of frustration, frustration is a common emotional response to opposition. Related to anger and disappointment, it arises from the perceived resistance to the fulfillment of individual will.
I would guess that sums up what you're feeling. I've been there too. It's painful and there is no telling yourself to move on and it magically happens. What helps you move on is taking positive steps and it sounds like you are by the church groups, reading, connecting with new people, etc. What other things could you do?
While your D4's behavior may be concerning, it's most likely a very normal part of her adjustment to the changes that are going on in her life. Kids need to feel consistency from those they love, continue to love her, don't get intense about what she calls you, have fun with them. They can bring you lots of joy.
You've accepted your part in the breakdown of your M, now use that to guide your changes, as you have been. It does no good to dwell on the past but you must acknowledge that things between you and xW may take a long time to get better, if they ever do. That's one expectation you should have
You will grieve as long as you grieve, accept that but take steps to fill your time with other things, the pain will lessen.
You can do this, Planet.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
