PATIENCE PROMISCUITY AND PROFIDIOUSNESS

[Ambivalent]

Working polls today.

Then to gymn

After doctor, I reeeeally am looking forward to brain storming and getting her perspective.

hoping for some strategies for containing my cycling and perhaps some 180's

Then back home for a wee nap, then off to school

Daughter coming so I can practice my practical exam

Feeling down today, probably doesn't help that I'm exhausted

Having difficulty with a pma or should I say outlook

I'm feeling fear, why? Because I still care.

I wish I was able to detach more.

There are times when I really can, almost to a point of losing any feelings for him. I can look at him and ask myself, is this who I want, what I want? Will I ever trust again?

Would I date this man? Do I find him attractive? Will he ever try to give as much as I, emotionally? Will he be able to?

We both made mistakes in our relationship. Fundamentally I am not sure if either of us will be able to reconcile. Why?

TRUST Trust is the foundation in a friendship, in a romance, in love, and in marriage.

It is not just the recent events that have made me question this, it is a pattern of behavior. A pattern that has been present for years.

If he doesn't have the coping skills at 55, unless he chooses to work on himself, he will not have gained those skills. He is 55, I 53. I work on myself daily, I am tired of feeling as if I have to constantly better myself to be acceptable .

Many times I do educate myself for I am driven to do so, for knowledge for the sake of knowledge. I am curious, many many things interest me, cerebral as well as physical, from emotional to theoretical.

I have had patience for a long time, with learning new things, new sports, my children, my husband, our relationship. I have no delusions that the core of his values will change.

I am a woman, a person of dignity and it is difficult for me to let go of what he uses as his medication. Why any man feels it is okay to use another human being, someone's daughter, to relieve a temporary need or a longing within themselves.

I speak not of the possible current revelation. But the need in the past to throw a bachelor party in our family home, hire a stripper to perform in our place of security. Where his daughters and I reside with him as a loving family.

Why could he not see the pain it could cause? That it was dangerous to allow this stranger in our home? How it would damage our relationship?

When he used a prostitute, we were under stress. Sold our home, oldest daughter was in desperate need of intense therapy. I was schooling at home and trying to meet his needs, their needs, and a friend of mine was leaving her husband.

I also lost my best friend from high school. The pressure and stress was heavy.

I now find myself ,after almost losing our home twice, with the dilemma of my husband's crisis. I am tired of crisis's .

I have grown children and do not wish them the pain that comes with divorce. The awkwardness that comes with it. And yes , the unresolved questions and issues. It is horrible, I know for I still feel it today.

Was I surprised at his decision to leave? Not really, why? Because he runs. He runs or avoids. Too many times I've seen this pattern, this lack of coping, addressing, dealing with things.

Unless he can see this for himself, this pattern, I have very serious doubts that it will not continue. He went to a counselor once over two months ago. He has not returned. The desire to work on himself is not strong, for it requires facing painful work. This is from what he runs and tries to avoid.

I have to ask myself, is standing worth the pain I'm placing myself in? Would it be better to just move on, to let him have one less person to add to his emotional journey. To not have to feel responsible for or guilty about?

Will I ever trust another human being again? I first trust was lost by my father's actions. My mother also lost my trust when I was a teen and it was reinforced in my twenties. Along the road of life, I have tried to trust many times, and sometimes have been rewarded, but ultimately hurt. I was too naïve, and kept seeing the best in people . I allowed myself to be hurt.

We , H and I , have done some incredible damage. Unintentional, but damage has been done. Why would someone want to try and work when one has a pattern of running from reality. Running from difficulty. How can one start anew if one doesn't learn from the mistakes? I know where I failed. I know what should be different.
I know what needs to be done on my end. What I have to face...I have needs as well.

I have allowed myself to push aside my needs. To put them aside for the sake of children, the time my husband needed with his friends, his job, his sports. I kept myself busy to fill the void of my needs.
His testosterone is low , from this he is feeling more emotional and the ability to sustain an erection has cut into his manhood.

He wants a relationship , now , that he never wanted before. He wants a partner that has HIS interests, HIS desires. Before he wanted someone who was independent, and had their own interests.

After years and years of wanting one thing, it is supposed to change, but he doesn't see that he needs to give. Not financially, or materially. To give emotionally. If he wants what he does now, it means giving time to me, and showing an interest in my hobbies or sports too. Giving in finding things we can share together. Not expecting someone to entertain him or give up their interests to meet his.

This is where I question the possibility of R. I don't know if he will ever be able to give. Perhaps I'm allowing the narcissism of the present cloud my ability to see the end. But if the narcissism (emotional) was always present prior to this crisis, will it not still be a core trait that won't change?

Do I, want that for the rest of MY life? I've always known nobody meets all of another's needs. This is why we interact with others, have other interests. I never assumed this in a relationship. I learned much from my parent's divorce. My mother bought many books, and I read them when she was reading them.
He never had that opportunity. He had a mom, the rallied the troops. It was us against the father, the world. She hated her ex-husband for deserting her with five children. She taught them to hate him.

He learned nothing positive from that. He did gain a tight relationship with his siblings, and a keen sense of loyalty. Unfortunately he also learned to be over responsible and to enable one of his daughters and one of his brothers.

So so much baggage. Where do I go from here? What do I do?

How do I decide? How do I heal myself? When does the emotional cycling stop? I wish I could just go and sit on a beach for a week. Talk to no one , sleep.