Where am I at?

[lovethehub]

She said he probably will not notice that much, just know that he will be going over to grandmas on the weekend.

Does she honestly believe that an 8 year old will not notice that his parents are getting a divorce?

I can't believe that i will be turning 48 Christmas and I'm going to have to start my life all over again. At this point I do not think I will marry again, just to much pain to deal with when the other person decides that they don't love you anymore.

I am sorry you are going through this and I know it s*@ks. However, don't even think about whether you will marry again or not. The only thing you can do and control at this point is yourself. You are beginning to realize things you have done that were most likely problematic in your M. Work on fixing those things first. It may or may not bring your W back, but in the long run it will most likely make you a happier person. Nobody wants to be a doormat who concedes everything because it is easier, and most people don't want a spouse who does that. Start doing things that will make you feel better about yourself - that's what DBing is all about.

I was talking to a female friend to day, I have been talking to her to get a female perspective, and she said that maybe why my w wants out quicker is because maybe she is seeing the changes and getting scared she might change her mind and stay. She also thinks that maybe there is no om and that her friends are influencing her decision.

This is mind reading and it really doesn't matter why she wants out quicker. It only matters that you start becoming the person you want to be. I also think that password protecting your phone, ipod, fb, etc. are a good indication that there is something in there you aren't supposed to see.

I am sorry you found yourself here and that your M is in trouble. Learn all you can, read as many other threads as you have time for and apply what you are learning.

[FlyOnTheWall]

guilt btw, not guild. You'll learn she's not on some pedestal, she's just your wife with her faults too.

[Icecoldw]

Thanks fly, before I would never reach out for help, I would always keep my emotions bottled up up inside and now I am trying to process and work through them.

I have been forcing myself to eat, can't afford to lose any weight, I'm already the smallest tech at work. That means I get stuck going in all the tight spaces nobody else in the shop can fit into.

Going to see my pastor we'd and talk with him, will ask him how he thinks I'm doing. I went to him right when the whole

Talked with my dad this past weekend and we started to talk about mom and he made the comment that us kids learned to put there mother on a pedestal because of that I think I have learned to put the woman I'm with on a pedestal and not treat them like a regular person that makes mistakes.

My oldest son has been calling more, I think he's worried about me. We talked about his mom, and I'm glad that we didn't work things out, she sounds like she is still messed up. Can't keep a job, been living with a guy for the past 10 years, you never know if they are together or not. I think it is a codependent relationship. Makes me wonder If my w leaving isn't a bad thing, wonder if I really did love her or just the idea of marriage. I know I am getting more comfortable during the week when she is not here verses the weekend when she is here.

I guess god will unveil his plan for me when I'm ready

[FlyOnTheWall]

Your a year or two older than me, I know how the starting over again is one hella intimidating facet.

I'm glad your son is aware, and checking up on you. That's a great bond to have. At least you can be open to him, he's been thru this before with your first wife. And he's old enough to understand how "life" adds its twists and turns.

I understand how right now your thinking "leaving isn't a bad thing, wonder if I really did love her". That's your own way of putting up those defenses to protect yourself. Tomorrow or next week you might be right back to "damn I miss her, and hope this will work out". That's why they call it the roller coaster. Enjoy the ride, and understand your gonna be on it for a while, nothing wrong with that, your only human. You are going to be making excuses for yourself to feel one way or the other. Just know its going to take some time. One way or the other.

I meant to ask, just to clarify your much ealier post. Your S8 is going to be living with you when she moves out? If so, do you have some help with him? For those times that you need a break? At the same time, trying to be there for him, is so hard, its important as he's going to be going thru his own issues as your wife probably hasn't been much of a mother to him lately. She's running. This is the one part you need to truly separate your feelings of betrayal and not get him involved. Just be the best damn dad you can!!! Don't hold it against your wife in any way/shape/form. Those are regrets you DONT want to have later, but are the easiest to pile on now.

Allow yourself to grieve a bit, heck, theres nothing wrong with just sitting down and needing a damn good cry to let out some built up emotions. Don't keep it bottled in. When my father passed away a long time ago, then a sister, I had to be the man, I didn't cry. I don't know if its the testosterone depletion that starts at our age or what. This hurt all hurt 10x worse. Maybe cause there just isn't the same finality of it all. We have to rehash it for so much longer.

Its so hard to not think in absolutes, or not put a time frame on things one way or the other. Just let it go, understand where you are, try to set some small goals for yourself that you can reach, and build on some positives. Know that its going to take some time to pull yourself out of the funk, you might not be having some of your best work days, and allow yourself to forgive yourself for that. Don't rush the process, its going to take what it takes, just know you'll get there.

Things I did to keep myself busy, and try some new things: Golfing, cooking classes, took a few dance lessons, went to the library and sat and read there to get out of the house (also good for u cause they ususally have a great kids section/play area). Spend some time with a few friends, got out of town to visit some family (also a good idea with holidays coming up). Took some guitar lessons. Really focused on being there for my kids, one has her own place, my youngest lives with me (almost done with high school). The cooking classes were a great meet place, I was usually the only man in the class. I was even passed a phone number in one of them by a much younger, single woman. I remember how flattered I was at the time.

I think the hardest part was the friends thing, I didn't really have any friends left in the area. Not those kind of friends anyways. So just getting out and trying new things was more the key, meeting some new people. I started doing that almost immediately. Even when I didn't feel like it, I got out. You need to too.

Hope you keep posting, its another way of not keeping it bottled up. Did you get a copy of Divorce Remedy yet? See if one is at the library? Maybe start a journal at home?

Hang on friend, hang on!!

[Icecoldw]

Thanks love for the input. My mind does a lot of mind reading and projecting, my imagination is over active at times, always has been.

Fly, thanks for your input as well. I will have my son m-f and w will have him s-s while she is on second, once she goes on first she will have him m- f and I will get him f night to m morning. Do not know when she will go on first, she's thinking June, she might have a new job at that time. She has to stay where she is to get the experience. Yes if I reach out, I have people to take care of my son if I need a little break. Speaking of my son, we went out to dinner tonight.

Today day has been a roller coaster. Wish I could stop it so I can get off and puke lol. This morning i was doing some doing some soul searching just looking back at my past relationships that failed. In the book no more mr nice guy, they say the nice guy will pick some one the can fix or be able to be a care taker. I didn't believe this at first and they were right, I picked either single moms, woman that have come off of bad relationships (where the bad boy treated them like crap), had abandonment issues. I think the reason I did this was so I could help them out of a bad time in their life and in return they would realize what I have done and then love me in return. Has never happened seems like I get them to feel good about them selves and then they leave me for some one with better looks, the bad boy image etc. I always thought the woman were wanting to live in a fairy tale were the prince in shinning armor would take them away and they would live happily ever after with no bad times in their lives that they would have to work through. This would tick me off because I know how the real world works. What I realized today is that I've wanted to be their prince that they would fall madly in love with and have found out that I'm just a horny little toad just wanting to be kissed.

I think I am getting tired of going around and picking up the pieces for some one else just to be told latter thanks but I'm not in love with you just want to be friends. Brings me to my w, if there was an a I don't know if I can be there for her to have a shoulder to cry on while she grieves over the loss of the om. I think that would tear me up to much knowing how much I love her and how much pain she has put me through. Maybe I'm not there yet on the unconditional love. I think if we ever do work things out, I think she will have traded 100% unconditional trust for 100% unconditional love. When we got married, 100% trust and love. After this I don't know how much I will be able to trust her with all her secrets, locked phone, iPad etc. I do feel betrayed.

Today she texted that she was going to hold off on filing if I would stop pulling out my 401. I told her over a month ago that after the first of the year I was going to try and pull it out to pay off bills, she thought I was going to give her some and I told her no because I was going to try and pay off the bills we acquired. She said that is why she was going to file so soon. I told her I was waiting on the court order. I wanted to ask a lot more questions but decided not to just let it go. She is still moving stuff out but it is all stuff that can go into storage, stuff that she hasn't needed since we've been together. I'm so confused, we still sleep in the same bed, I would think if she didn't love me that she would be sleeping on the couch, in our s8 room or even down stairs where we have an extra bed.

[Icecoldw]

Yes fly I have read DB and am getting ready to read DR.

[Icecoldw]

Just been reading some other threads and just wondering. Looks like what I am tring to achive is to not have any expectations on my current sit, just let happen happen. To detach is to not think about what my w is doing or how she is acting, so that when she tells me something hurtful I am not hurt. But at the same time loving her from a far. It seems like if all that she can give me is friendship than I should take that and be happy because maybe one day her feeling may change.

The other thing is to be able to separate my feelings. Right now I don't seem to know the difference between anger, hurt, resentment, bitterness ect. It seems like when I feel one of these it always comes out to be anger.

Just wondering at what point do you cut your losses and maybe look for someone else? Maybe there is someone else that you are more compatable with and have a healthier relationship. It sometimes sounds on here that no matter how bad the r that the lbs will do everything and anything to get their h/w back. I know no one is prefect and people make mistakes, but how often is one to let the other spouse cheat before they say that's enough? I can see one affair being a mistake but when it happens again doesn't it make it a choice? I'm sorry but I like to have sex and I don't feel it's right to forgo on my part while my spouse is getting it from someone else. Maybe that's why I'm in my sit, to learn.

[hotwheelsaust]

Icecoldw, like Fly has said, these emotions/feelings and guilt will take time, a lot of it.
Quick history of me: Married 23 years, while I was certainly depressed in the last 2 years before Bd (see why in my sitch0 I still felt I showed love and care for my W. But I mustn't have, because she is not still here. It has now been just over a year since BD. Nothing has changed, if anything, the communication is worse, it is non-existant. Do I worry about it anymore? Some times, but most times no.
I get the lack of eating, the lack of wanting to do anything enjoyable, the wanting to tell everyone "what did I do wrong?", the asking everyone "how can I fix this". Been there, done that, bought the book.
There is no time limit for your feelings. One day you will wake up, like I did, and simply say enough, I no longer will feel guilty about this.
You will forgive yourself for you past actions/inactions.
You will forgive your wife for what she has done/doing.
You will stop feeling guilty of everything out of your control.

This will help you move on.
I forgave myself for my past actions. I felt what I was doing was good and correct. I see it differently now, but I cannot change what was in the past. I can only move forward and change for the better.
I forgave my wife. She did what she felt was right, whether it was or not. Just like I acted the way I felt was right. Therefore I no longer blame her for whatever she decides to do.
Most importanly I stopped feeling guilty of it all. I was guilty of the wife dropping the BD, the wife moving out, the family being separated, the splitting of assets and so on.
No, I am not guilty of those things. We/the wife could have communicated better before BD about how she was feeling. The wife didn't have to move out of the house, I certainly didn't ask her to leave. The wife didn't have to see a solicitor to start asset splitting procedures. The family didn't have to be split up. None of these things were done by me, so why should I feel guilty?
Once I reached that place, things started working a lot better. I felt better about myself.
Stop expecting anything from wife. Things may happen, things may not. Just don't expect them, that way you won't miss out on them.
When do you cut your losses? When you decide, just like the W has decided.
We all miss the kissing, cuddling and sex. Who wouldn't? But I still hold my marriage vows seriously, and won't be dating or screwing around until I am divorced, and even then may not feel comfortable about it. Your choice when you decide.
But remember, the old saying "two wrongs don't make a right".
One of the things I learnt a few months ago, way past the BD time, was, if the W has put up with my behaviours (enough for her to leave) for so many years. Then how long will I put up with her behaviours? How much is she worth? Or the marriage is worth? How much is your own satisfaction you did everything worth?

[planet]

hotwheelsaust is right.

It helps if you dig deep and recognize what went wrong in your M. Acknowledge your faults and flaws. Admit your part in the breakdown of your M.

Once you reach there. Ask forgiveness from Yourself. It won't be easy. It takes a great deal of conviction to do it.

Remember this...as 25yearsmlc told me...
Believe that You will be Alright Regardless of your W's decision.
I have kept this close to my heart. It helped me to forgive myself.

Maybe there is someone else that you are more compatable with and have a healthier relationship.

Perhaps there are such thing as spousal compatibility. The Chinese have this chart named Bazi to gauge compatibility between people. My W and I have had our charts read before we got M. It was bad and i mean real bad. We were worried of course but the man who read it for us did have one advice for us. Although our Bazi charts do not match, we will have to think of it as starting off in a rundown car. It will takes us to our destination if we drive carefully. On the other hand, a matched Bazi chart will be like driving a sports car but if one is not careful, accidents will happen.
So there you have it. It all boils down to 'work'.

[labug]

Perhaps there are such thing as spousal compatibility. The Chinese have this chart named Bazi to gauge compatibility between people. My W and I have had our charts read before we got M. It was bad and i mean real bad. We were worried of course but the man who read it for us did have one advice for us. Although our Bazi charts do not match, we will have to think of it as starting off in a rundown car. It will takes us to our destination if we drive carefully. On the other hand, a matched Bazi chart will be like driving a sports car but if one is not careful, accidents will happen.
So there you have it. It all boils down to 'work'.

Awesome, Planet!