Hoping for Reconciliation after being Separated...

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I get small triggers here and there in our conversation where I start to feel antsy, worrying what he meant by something he said and worrying that he truly wants to work on things. He talked about getting his own key to his brother's apartment he is staying at. My heart started racing, like why does he need his own key all of the sudden? Is he planning on staying there forever?? Ah!

CP, haven't read your thread in a while, this is great news. I understand being nervous, however, there are never any guarantees (as you know!) either before or after BD. The benefit you have now is that you are aware of the issues in your M, you are both actively working on them and you have grown as a person.

As for the key, don't put too much thought and worry into that. You have told him you want to take it slow. You aren't throwing the door wide open and saying "come home now" so it only makes sense for him to have a key to where he is staying whether he will be there one more month or 6 months or whatever. How inconvenient would it be to live somewhere and not have a key? Maybe before he didn't want one because it would have felt permanent to him and now, it doesn't and he wants the convenience? See? Two sides to each issue!

He tells me he is constantly thinking/worrying about things that are going on with us. He is still at his brother's apartment. He has been trouble sleeping because he is worrying about things. Also, he has a lot more time to think about everything when he is over there, because he is alone and not much is going on. It makes me wonder if he is worried about making the right decision.

When he says something like this say "What exactly is worrying you?" and then listen and validate.

That is where I have a lot of learning to do as well! I am so used to defending my point, and I think that has really hurt my marriage. I think it is the reason for him closing himself off to me. Pretty hard to feel connected to someone when you can't even talk to them! Hopefully I can improve how I communicate with him and that he will eventually feel he can come to me to talk about things.

I used to do the same thing and it is probably the biggest reason our R took so long. What I have learned is that, if I really listen and understand H's point, most of the time I no longer care about defending myself. I have learned that, even if I don't agree, it is still H's experience of that situation and by defending myself I am telling him his feelings are wrong. I usually just listen and validate; apologize if I feel I need to and move on. Sometimes, if I feel he is off base, I may talk about my feelings on the issue but without defending. I usually say something diffusing first, like "May I say something?" and then I wait for him to say yes. It shows I am not angry, defensive and ready to bite his head off. Many times, I don't even feel the need. I shouldn't even say many times because as I have learned to do this, the times where either of us needs to defend ourselves have become rare.

If H does something that upsets me, instead of getting angry and yelling about it like I would have in the past, I wait until I am not as emotional and then go to him and say 'Can we talk about such and such?' Then, instead of saying "YOU" followed by a blasting about what he did wrong, I say "When x happened, I felt x". It works so much better!