How to convince resistant LD wife?

[ssmguy]

Yes taking the lead may not happen. It is not a comfortable role for many women. Especially those of us who've been taught to be a lady.

Well, here's an observation that comes from personal experience, and which might be helpful. Just as your sexuality and inhibitions are shaped by what you learn early in your life, it is also shaped by your sexual partner over time. If the LD partner has inhibitions and thinks something is "gross" or "not fun", etc., then sometimes the HD partner internalizes those reactions and begins to also think that perhaps they should also rethink what's OK and not. One's partner can sometimes have a heavy influence that way. And after a while, all this baggage can build up to a point where the HD partner is tempted to have a fling with someone else simply because it's so refreshing to hook up with someone who does not have all this negative baggage about sex.

My wife's negativity about all kinds of aspects of sex made me feel bad about my sexuality. Instead of taking it as compliment to her being desirable to me, she took it as demeaning or degrading, or just a plain PITA. So you can understand the temptation of hooking up with someone who would make me feel that my sexuality was a wonderful thing to be celebrated.

So, Ambivalent, it might help if you see that your husband being tempted to have sex with someone else might not be a rejection of you, but only a rejection of the sexual baggage you carry, which isn't really a part of who you really are, in the sense that you could change that, as you seem to have done now.

I really wish I had been given some sort of manual when I got married.

I totally agree. People think it comes naturally, and for many it doesn't.

I will say Dr. Laura's " The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands " would have probably prevented some issues. But let's not kid ourselves, there will always be issues.

Yes, I agree, I read that book some years ago. Do you have any female friends who could have given you the frank "big sister" talk? I think my wife missed out on that too.

I also had a very shy perspective of what was acceptable in bed. The thought to ask or give feedback never even crossed my mind! I also never thought vocal " noise " was comfortable.

I get that, and the thing I was trying to say above is that that response from a woman would make me feel hesitant about my sexuality too. Which opens up a vulnerability to someone who would make me feel great about my sexuality.

I hope and pray, that someday I can show my H. that he is so important to me that I was willing to learn all I could.

Wow, I would be very impressed if my wife did that.

What is ironic is , I'd jump his bones but I think that would put him off at this point. It would look desperate, and I couldn't handle the rejecting right now either.

My wife is welcome to jump my bones any time of day or night. Unfortunately, the chances of her doing that are exactly zero.

He's in the

"... you look great, but I'm not sexually attracted to you."

I am somewhat in that category with my wife too, but only because I have this feeling in my mind that my wife does not want me. When a woman has repeatedly sexually rejected you, the attraction is kind of shut down because of the negative conditioning, even though I can see that she's visually attractive. So if your husband found you attractive before, I think that could be turned around.

" I told the dr. that I was so excited to see how you have been going to the gymn and she looks awesome, but I'm not sexually attracted to you and I don't know why? "

I could be way wrong here because I'm probably not like your husband. But I think if you talked about sex once in a while like it's something you're interested in, it might plant some seeds. Compliment him once in a while on his looks too. And if that doesn't work, pique his jealousy a little by commenting on how handsome some other guys look. See how he reacts. You've got to appear to be someone who has internal sexual energy. To me that is a big part of someone's "aliveness".