Confusion Reigns Part 4

[cat04]

He did say, as he left, that this is the reason he's been so hateful and mean the past few months....

I said, "yeah, because you hate me and hate being tied down to me."

And he said, "no, because I hate myself so much." then he left.

Ang,

I am sorry you made this discovery.

Yes he is struggling within himself. While his anger does seem directed at you, they do get upset with themselves. They don't always understand what or why they are doing things.

Only you know if this is your breaking point or not. Only you know if standing for your M is worth it or not. No one can answer that for you although we can help you come to a point where you will know your own answer...

Personally, I wanted to have no regrets...

I wanted to know that I had exhausted every option before I called it quits...

I wanted to be healthy and whole within myself before making such a huge, life changing decision...

When you do talk, you will hear some surprising and upsetting things.

Just listen...you may learn some interesting stuff.

You are going to want to know why. You may want to know details. You may want him to tell her it's over.

None of that is going to happen in earnest right now.

He doesn't really know why (and it really doesn't have anything to do with you no matter what he says).

The details, will only hurt.

Even if he tells her it's over, it isn't going to change anything right now and he isn't in a position to recommit to you and have it be true. You will just become the bully who forced him to get rid of his "friend".


Give yourself time. Take care of you and your kids right now.

I know it feels like the end of the world.

I promise you, it isn't.

You don't have to make any decisions today or even tomorrow. Except to get through the day.

It gets better.

Ladies,

I would also like to add that we don't need to vilify the OP.

I know it doesn't seem rational or normal to be involved with a married man (or woman).

I know it is easier to direct our anger at them. I know it is easy to have the stronger moral compass and sit on our soapbox because we wouldn't do something like that.

The truth about that is we don't know for certain what we would do in any given situation until we are presented with it.

When we vilify OP, we sit in judgement of another person. And it isn't up to us to pass judgement on anyone.

And it allows us to hold onto the anger we feel because we feel it is directed at the "right" person. That doesn't make holding onto the anger ok.

Anger leads to bitterness (even if it is justified).

Bitterness shows through in every way, even if we try to hide it.

It is your choice to learn forgivness and practice it. It is your choice to be free of those angry thoughts and feelings. It is your choice to step away from bittersville.

Just MOP.

[3boymom]

I am so sorry Angela. Reading your post made my heart race and my eyes fill with tears because I know the pain that you felt. No person should ever have to go through that discovery and the pain that follows.

One ironic thing is my Divorce Remedy book is coming sometime this week. Not sure that it matters now.

When I purchased Divorce Remedy, I picked it out because I thought that the book would give me the steps to save my marriage and to "fix" H. I have since realized that this is not about fixing the M or H, it is about finding myself again. Even if you think that your M is a lost cause, the book will help you move forward for yourself and the kids.

Your H may not have even hit rock bottom yet. And he may never get there. But you can ensure that this is YOUR rock bottom. You can protect yourself so that no day in your future will be as bad as yesterday. You can do that by working on yourself, by talking your time, and by lowering your expectations so that H can no longer crush your world.

Every day will be hard and a struggle. But you have people here who will help pick you up and keep moving.

[Wonka]

Angela,

You might want to head over to Ambivalent's thread as there are most recent hot discussions about discovering OWs/OMs and "affairing down." A lot of helpful stuff going on in there right now that I think you could benefit from in terms of information and resources.

Take care!

Wonka

[TSquared2]

Angela,


Bringing this over from Amb thread:

When I finally had proof of what I suspected, it was devastating at first. But it gets easier. I focused on the big picture, MY end goal, which was reconciliation. I re-framed it to look at it as if this was a new R, the new person would have been with others before at my age (I hope, lol), so this affair behavior/replay crap is "before our new R"...and even before we got M originally, we both had been with others, and that didn't affect our new R and M together.

That's what worked for me, hope you find something in there that is useful.

Like you I thought the online cyber boy-toys and EA were bad enough, the PS proof was hard...but the people here helped me through it, kept me to my own words.

It is better now. I think of it and it affects me hardly at all...just maybe a twinge of something, but NO PAIN.

Hang in there!

[TSquared2]

^^ PS should be PA proof...busy Monday...

[Pudmuddle]

Hey Ang, So sorry I haven't been around lately, I had to take a break from the boards for a while. i'm SO SORRY for your latest developments. D*MN that s*cks.

We all feel the immense pain for you, it s*cks.

The one thing I can say, in catching up on your posts, is that I've noticed your H is actually LOOKING INSIDE HIS OWN HEAD. Even though he is an angry, venomous, mantramp right now he recognizes that he is really messed up in his head. That is a positive believe it or not. Listen to the advice from cat, wonka and tsquared, they are good peeps and know their stuff.

I'm so sorry sweetie, I am crying for you. D*MN.

[uRworthy]

I am so sorry, sweetie. I know the pain of discovering something like this.

First sit with it a bit. Dont make any decisions now. You will be bouncing around between feelings of anger, sadness and disbelief. It is important to feel them.

I wanted to tell you that when someone is in crisis, they sometimes do unthinkable things in order to stop the pain.

If you decide to confront him, be prepared for him to put his own spin on it. Truthfully, you will not get the real story.

Think about what you hope to accomplish by confronting him now.

I know it seems unbearable right now. It will not always feel raw like this.

You will get through this whatever you decide.

We will be here to help you.

(((hugs)))

[reachingHigher]

Hi Angela.

I'm so very sorry about this revelation. . I wish so much I could drive down to see you tonight to help and lend a listening ear and a box of Kleenex. But I can't

But I can tell you I'm so sorry and I really care about how you feel.

The other posters have said some good thoughts to hold on to your sanity during this period of intense pain.

And I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you posted in pain.

Your H hurts so much inside. He doesn't even know what he is doing.

My H has forgotten much of what went on in replay. H just relies on my memory and says, oh so okay, that's how it was.

He doesn't even remember the occasional good times he and I had together. It's like a blank slate. Idk if that would be helpful for you to know that or not.

Two days ago he and I drove past a little resort town where we spent a 3-day weekend at a B&B, October 2011. it's where he told me if I would've already found someone else he would be "long gone". Where he said all he wanted to do was go to bars and have sex with OW's. Despite these painful revelations, we had a really nice time.

So, two days ago, when we drove by it, I said, excitedly, thats where we stayed! It was obvious H had no recollection of it at all.

So, somehow, when you think of your H right now, he isn't who he normally is. He is a man in crisis and you are a woman of integrity who loves him and is helping him through the worst demons he will ever face -- within him.

[Feenix]

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, everyone who took the time to respond. I've had an exhausting day and am just now getting to sit and read this. Your thoughts and advice have been so great!

My day has been a complete disaster with so many twists and turns. I don't even know where to start.

I did not sleep at all last night. I tried and just couldn't. I got the kiddos off to school and wondered if H would do as promised and come home to "talk".

Two hours passed from when he should have been home and I found out that they had let out early the night before. Nobody was on shift last night after midnight.

So, I am ashamed to say that all DBing went out the window. I grabbed the H's bags that I had already packed yesterday and headed to the town where he works. I texted him on the way and said I was leaving his bags by the gates at his job.

About the time I got there, he texted and "said" he had decided to stay with a friend last night because I was so mad. And that he wanted to talk. We met at a city park and talked for FOUR hours.

It was a disaster. We went around and around with him insulting me and blaming me and how I'd "ruined" the OW's lives, etc. He was making ME crazy with how stupid his behavior and words were. I asked him to get out of my car so I could leave and he refused. It was like trying to reason with a pouting 2-year old.

I asked for lots of details about the affair. By the time we left the park, we'd gone over and over stuff. But "he" wanted to work it out.

I have two really amazing friends who had called to see how I was doing this morning and I had unloaded everything on them. They asked if I'd come by one of their houses to chat so when I left the park, I did.

We prayed, we talked, we went over my options. As Christian women, they were very much in line with DBing principles. BUT, as I told my story of my WHOLE marriage...it became very, very obvious that my marriage hasn't been a good one in a long, long time. It hasn't just been since this MLC started.

My H is a liar, a manipulator, and an emotional abuser.

They got me in touch with a Christian counselor in our area who sees people and couples for free. I *hopefully* have an appointment tomorrow with this guy and his wife. I'm really looking forward to it. I know this couple and they are really awesome so I know I'll be in good hands.

Here's the next BOMBSHELL. I got home so find H waiting on me..wondering where I'd been. I didn't go into details. He told me to sit down...that he had something really important to tell me.

He said that he made up the sexual affair. Completely made up the whole thing. When he showed me the picture, again, that I saw on his phone of him and girl in bed, it was very obvious is was a younger him. He says the picture was sent to him recently by his divorced buddy from the old days, etc.

The thing is, when he went on this trip to Mexico, I was 7 months pregnant with H's child. We weren't married yet, but H admitted today that he cheated on me when he went on that trip. But, he keeps insisting that the affair he told me about yesterday was completely made up to convince me to leave him. That he wishes I would just "give up already" and that he knew it would make me so mad that I'd kick him out. Which he says I now did because I brought him his bags of clothes.

At this point, it doesn't matter to me whether he really had a recent sexual affair or not. He did cheat on me while I was PG with our first child...and that still hurts. AND, if he is making up the sexual affair....WHO DOES THAT TO SOMEONE???

I was so upset that I was throwing up, etc. He's a psycho!

When he was leaving for work this evening, I made an offhand remark about seeing him tomorrow, and he looked at me and said, "um, no, you kicked me out. Remember? My bags are at J's house...I'll be staying there. I'll come around in the afternoon to see the kids."

So, wonderful, wise people of the boards....where do I go from here. H may, or may not, have had a recent sexual affair with a girl at work. He most certainly had one when I was PG with our first child, but not married...and in his words, "young, stupid and drunk". He is claiming now that I've "kicked him out" and that, as of tomorrow, we'll be separated.

He also said tonight that he's tried to have feelings for me but just can't and he's done. But later, he was making remarks that alluded to our future together.

I'm just numb. I mean, how much can one person take???

So, what now? If he is such scum, and has been for years...then, do I want him? Do I want an R with him at all?

Hopefully, I'll meet with the counseling couple tomorrow...maybe that will help.

In the meantime, I'm not crying at all....I'm not even that upset. That worries me.

[Feenix]

rH...others who are reconciling....is it really worth it? Worth the lies, the pain, the not-knowing? Worth my heart being in total shreds tonight after hearing all morning what a horrible, awful wife I've been, etc.

Is it worth it when your marriage wasn't that great to begin with?