The Big Chill

[Pudmuddle]

I had to step away from these boards for awhile, I was too in my own head and couldn't grasp what I needed to do without posting here every hour.

Since then, cat :), I have read and read about MLC, HS website, books, etc about everything going on right now. And it helped A LOT to remove myself for a little bit.

I read the For Women Only book that was immensely helpful. I saw in that book things I had been doing to him for years. Little digs with the sarcasm. Although I thought I had cut out sarcasm, because it is really Anger's Ugly Cousin, but I still had a tinge in my words and tone. These were things that probably cut him to the core.

What do I want to change about me? I want to be kinder with more Grace and more Truth. Not separately, but together, grace and truth can only go together if you want to live with dignity. Because the two by themselves only lead to more bitterness or anger. I want to treat everyone I meet with kindness and no longer think that most people are disappointing because they aren't. It's only how you view them. This is what I want for ME and no one else. FINALLY I get that. I no longer care to do these things just to make someone else happy, I'm doing it for ME.

I want to be in shape, so that I look and feel good and...I am there. Even if I still have 30 more pounds to lose, I am dressing better, grooming better and actually glowing! Someone who hadn't seen me in awhile, said the other day, you look so HEALTHY! That felt so good.

I want to be the best me I can be, regardless of my alien H.

So update:

We had a very nice weekend. We seemed to talk and laugh and joke, watch tv, etc. Then I went to my S's motocross race, (H was racing too), but I went for my S. It was a nice day out and they both hadn't race in a while. At one point, S had crashed and H sent me a text before I got there to mention this. He had crashed but it wasn't serious. Thank goodness. Then after I got there H seemed to be really comfortable talking to me about how S seems to psyche himself out and I just let him talk about it. He hasn't been comfortable with that because I used to control the conversations when it came to our S. But still H seemed angry with him for crashing, which I thought was odd, but in character for H... How can you control a crash? seriously.

Then after that another kid crashed only this time it was so bad that they had to resuscitate the kid, because his heart stopped! Yikes! I then reminded H well at least that didn't happen to our S!

Then after we got home that night I wanted some wine so I went to the store. Asked H if he wanted some and he said Sure. We had wine, while he made dinner, watched some shows on Tv and really laughed about things. It was so NORMAL it was nice. But alas.

Then today as I'm driving home from work I get a call on my cell and it's H, so I don't answer. he left a long message detailing how he picked S up from after school, let the dogs out, fed the dogs, talked about how one of them doesn't seem to be sick anymore, and casually works in how he is going out to watch Monday night football at a bar, and then mumbles at the very end how he won't be home tonight...

Really. D*mn alien. I just hate that H seems so NICE and then BOOM. <singing>Shot to the heart and your to blame, darlin' you give love a bad name...guitar rif!

But I told myself aloud in the car that I needed to Refocus, not get angry, remember the more time he spends with AW the more she will start demanding, remember that he has 'affaired down' and that he is still in serious replay right now. Although, I am seriously starting to dislike football...lol. After that I cranked the radio and jammed some 80s tunes! A good 80s beat always invigorates the soul!

Went to pick up my guitar, got some Subway sandwiches for S and I and I bought more wine for me. So I can watch a movie and drink a glass of wine and enjoy the lightness of ME.