wife hardens heart-5

[planet]

Yes. I am very frustrated especially at recent events. It seems I may never have my family back.

All this hoping and having faith is taking a huge toll on me. I don't like to be disappointed anymore. Every time I tell myself to move on but I just end missing what I used to have. I am more disappointed with myself for not progressing the way I wanted to.

Yes I am still hurting and grieving. I do understand my flaws and my part in the breakdown of my marriage. I took all the blame for it.
I understand now that I'm not always a bad father and husband. There are good times. I understand now that I am not to be blamed for everything that has happened in my M. It took me a great deal to forgive myself and I have not forgotten my part in it.
I do not need XW but I do want her in my life. I could care for my children without her but there certain things I wish I could be as mindful as XW in regards to the kids.

I do not equate frustrations to anger. I realized my recent writings may show some blame shifting towards XW. I honestly thought we could have at least an amicable relationship especially in regards to our kids.

D4 remained as she is now but she warmed to me and we played for hours two days ago. Yesterday she avoids me again and lied about about me pinching her on her cheeks to her mother. Why is she behaving this way? Is it because I punished her the other day that she avoids me now?
I bought a book that has a full a chapter on being a single parent. It is generally about being a better dad.

I have met new people and are connecting well. I am will joining a group of single parents in a church cell soon. I hope to reach out to similar people and gather some form of support.
I have not been putting much effort on my project. Nevertheless, This have a great potential of lifting myself out of financial doldrums but it requires much sacrifice that may involve time with my children and my financial support for them.
I am in a crossroad. I do not know whether it is the right thing to put myself first.

I don't know what life is trying to teach me. I am still searching for answers.
The board game that I played really surprises me. Nothing happens in randomness.