DARK - how do you do it right? I need help BADLY

[DTM]

Yes, I understand the question and the answer is I was absolutely brought up in a family which caused co-dependency later in my own mature life. I certainly recognize that even though I vowed not to do the things my own mother/father did I displayed those behaviors to a certain extent. I am 100% open and well on my way to changing those behaviors in myself and it is a daily focus.
I see an almost immediate difference as I interact with my children. I am not "over the top" but I do see how some of my actions reflect co-dependency.
The 5LL books were very useful to me in that area and of course "the bomb" was a huge wake up call that something I was doing obviously wasn't right and was causing emotional pain.
What kind of help do I want? Well that's a tough question..wouldn't every man in my situation love a simple answer with a direct cause and effect and guaranteed results? Sure we would! I know that isn't possible so the truthful answer would be I need help to stay the course in order to save my marriage while changing myself.
Today is day 4 - late last night my W and I had a 15 minute phone conversation regarding the upcoming holidays and some gift buying ideas for our two kids. I made sure to ask her opinion and not control the conversation stating that even though I had researched a particular gift for my son I wouldn't buy it for him unless she was in agreement...I know that took her by surprise because she skirted around a few times stating "just buy it if that's what you want to do"..and I calmly pulled away and said let's revisit it after you've had time to think.
Silly example, I know...but I am ridding myself of what I percieve to be controlling ways.
I thought it was a decent sign that we were talking about the holidays..for what that's worth.
The last two nights my W has reorganized old photos...thousands of old film prints...I can't pier into her head and I'm not mindreading but I am hopeful that was a good sign of her reflecting.
I know she isn't sleeping well (same for me) and I also heard her state "she is tired of making decisions" (while deciding what pictures to save / discard) - but that also had a deeper meaning that our R and the decisions she has running through her head are eating at her.

I am remaining positive, not putting any pressure and staying away from R talks. Today before I left for night shift I gave her a super quick "friend" hug and said "I'm glad you're here, have a great night" and wen't off to work.

I have an upcoming 14 day vacation off from work beginning in two weeks - this coincides with our 14 yr wedding anniversary 11/23 - I know me not being around the house (while working) is actually helping our situation (giving her space) and honestly I am worried that I should just plan to do my own thing(s) and spend time with the kids. I thought maybe I would take a trip to the FL Keys by myself perhaps. I don't know what is best for acknowledging the anniversary...I had planned to write a poem inside a card and leave it at that...but I don't know.

Still working on my GAL - will be planning some get out of the house by myself activities with co-workers, etc for my upcoming days off while still doing some planned activities with our kids.

Seems like I'm talking in circles..I know there have been many before me and my problems are not unique...I appreciate the replies from those that have been there and know how tough this is.

Thank you.