sorry for the whining this morning - geeeeez. gonna balance mom's cking acct - load up all paperwork & tax coupons, etc and hand it off to nazi sis and let her do all the administrative crappola.
see how it goes- let self off the hook for making every cent count and seeing that it's all "done rite". don't think i'm actually that bad of a conrol freak- it's more like i worry about mom's meager savings since i've listened to her tell me about it for my entire life- saving her little stuff buck by buck - working for $5.00 an hour mostly for years. it took soooo long to save- i just want it all to "count". decency kind of thing - something.
i'm trying to tell self to give it a try- get the heck off the hook here- for EVERY SINGLE THING [-
and that's that. helping self, well, trying to quit talkin about it- just doing it.
figuRe if i croaked tomorrow someone would do it all and somehow it would all get done and happen- so who the heck DO I THINK I AM ANYWAY? RITE???
ta da- feel a bit free-er already. flat out asked h if he's coming to get me (and drive us back to fla) and if he's spending his holidays with me or lover girll- said "i guess you" - nice... little rat. would ya ever think he could just say "why you, of course".
idk- oh well- what?? me want "it all" - LIKE, WE've all got these examples of MATES killing themselves (and definitely us) trying to HAVE IT ALL - in our faces - to our detriment & that of family
WELL, maybe i'm gettin sick of him wanting (and getting to have ) IT ALL. MAYBE WE ALL SHOULD HAVE IT ALL too. i'm sayin all of us should get to have "it all" too - who is kidding who here?.
TOSSING around a heck of alot "it all's" aren't I???
no extra charge. back to normal i hope- uppie & downie today- better go wash one more window before sun disappears. do not like daylite savings too much - - 5 is too early to be dark!
Nero, I don't take your posting of this morning as whining. You are dealing w/a lot and you need a place that is safe to vent...so vent away. But, you are right about one thing, if we croak this evening, someone else will either pick up the slack or it won't get done.
I think you are doing well considering what all you are having to deal with. Don't forget to take care of yourself. Okay?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Nero, listen, this tough is freakin hard. No two ways about it. So, nothing wrong with you putting your feelings down to people who understand exactly what you are going through.
I am soooo happy you have turned over that stuff to your sister. I know you are worried about your mother's finances, but, its not someone else's worry, right?
I am sorry your h answered the way he did. Dont you just want to smack them off the side of the head sometimes?
You are doing wonderfully, my friend. I see changes in you. I am so glad of it.
You will know when you are ready whether it is time to do something different.
sometimes i would like to be (overtly) more "the man" my mom raised me to be. damn hormones -
that litany of her little "true-isms" that shaped us: "the lord helps those that help themselves"; "if you're going to cry- i'm going to give you something to cry about" - "DO UNTO others what you'd have them do unto you"; "if you don't have anything nice to say , don't say anything at all"; "if your friends jump off a bridge, are you going to do it too?"; (hey- remember all this old junk???
"eat your _______, children are starving in africa"; " a penny saved is a penny earned;" " a stitch in time is worth 9"; good old mom - not one thing ever happened in life that was not "it's your own darn fault". ...
we sure had alot to answer for - everyone alive- (wellk, except her - her troubles were all as a result of someone else- while alllll of us in the rest of the universe were our own worst enemies - -
honestly tho, like everyone else- she was doin the best she could with what she had - i'm pretty darn sure. coulda been a heck of alot worse.
AND SO ON- GREAT AREN'T THEY:??? and i wonder why i am the way i am. oh well- better than alot i'd say - and workin on it alllll the time anyway still...
i'll get "there" one of these days- whereever the heck "there" is. i do like proverbs and sure hope i'm "doin onto others", etc.
i'd settle for feeling i knew one darn thing "for absolutely sure" and that ANYTHING in the universe was something you could count on forever. that would not seem to be true- i think it's one concept i really don't want to accept- but kind of HAVE - in light of last few years &mlc.
oh well huh - end of innocence for real.
going to have a good day today or die trying. finish he darn ck book- call & talk to (d ada da dummmmm- nazi sis) eeeeeeek
hearing her h's voice other day- really set me back. makes me realize what a giant emotional mwental aversion i have to them and their particular emotional violence thing. wierd, isn't it- your baby sister making ya feel dread???
anyway- doing okay today adn thank you both for your understanding.
this journey of mine has really really changed me soooo much. not just the bad, "i don't care" junk i'm working on- but more "open" , more accepting that life is fullll of odd & unaccountable , unexpected junk, we need to be able tyo flow with it- (i nevert thought i'd survibve this- no kidding - and look, 2+ years of "accepting" worst info i've ever learned and i'm not dead or nuts - i'd say a huge victory.
i feel cautiously proud of self a bit to stll be standing. no promises on future- one day (truly) at a time. i'd think a better way to be and live- i do "get it" - IT ALL could change or be gone tomorrow-
today- alive, healthy, sane , pretty garden (even messy bits), warm house, some good good friends, okay brain (i hope- cautiously optimistic about sanity remaining) - etc.
my cup is truly half full - now to hang onto that notion til i fall off my twig...
thanks & have a wonderful day.
(so,l when am i more "sickening" ? when i'm positive or negative??? it's quite a toss up isn'ty ity? if i could find the middle and remain "even" i'd give quite alot.
I love your way with words. Your right, they just fade out! I am fading out today. Cold and drab. Gonna go watch something British, I love the stories of he kings and queens.
Have a good evening. Still stay positive. I positively know this sux. Me and my spin!
((((((((())))))))) hugs to ya, cheers! Dawn
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Nero, you are never sickening. Though I do love to hear you sounding positive, just because I care about you.
Yea, I grew up with all those proverbs, too. Some of them are true, I guess.
Anyway, it does suckk when a family member can bring such bad feelings to you. It happens,though. I have one or two myself.
And yea, it is hard to accept that there really arent things you can absolutely count on. But there are two things that you absolutely can - Him and yourself. And I think those are the two most important ones.
You should be proud of you, Nero. You are working through a very difficult thing. And you are figuring stuff out along the way.
"more "open" , more accepting that life is fullll of odd & unaccountable , unexpected junk, we need to be able tyo flow with it- (i nevert thought i'd survibve this- no kidding - and look, 2+ years of "accepting" worst info i've ever learned and i'm not dead or nuts - i'd say a huge victory."
YOU ROCK.... THIS is exactly how I "think" we are supposed to survive through this and see it through to the other side of the mess. Here I was for the past 20 years *assuming* that I could count on my R. NEVER EVER thought it could happen to "meee". Used to laugh at others who were experiencing MLC. A friends hubby went throught it, I stayed clear from the sitch...afraid to catch it. Now, I'm so guilty of dismissing it and not fully understanding...until NOW. So yes! It IS AMAZING that we are not dead or nuts. I cannot believe it either that I am surviving this... and that I can catch myself pulling out of HIS MLC and not be willing to chase my h to chase his own tail!
~~ Cheers Nero ~~~
Magic!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I'm also glad MLC hasn't killed you or made you nuts Nero! I am cautiously feeling that, by giving more free rein to your old optimistic, positive self, you're sounding happier and more at peace.
That is the real Nero. Reeling in pain from dealing with MLC may be our current reality, but it need not change our inner man. Inner woman? The choice is bitter or better, and we both choose -ta da - better!
"that litany of her little "true-isms" that shaped us....i'll get "there" one of these days- whereever the heck "there" is. i do like proverbs and sure hope i'm "doin onto others", etc."
That is the crux of it all. If we can apply just this one proverb and "do unto others" then we will have lived our lives well. It's how we'd like to be treated too, works both ways. But we don't have much control over that. Except to maybe walk away, or in your case, hang up, when it gets too painful.
But I think we can apply "do unto others" to boundaries, which are supposed to be to protect ourselves. I would want to know if something I was doing was ripping out H's heart, and would appreciate being informed of it, so I could stop. But I guess they do not. Neither appreciate being informed of our pain, nor do they intend to stop that hurtful action. The big A, the former elephant in the room. Oh well.
Say, are your halloween decorations all put away, and every nook and cranny full of gourds and indian corn in preparation for Thanksgiving? Just picturing the magic of it in my mind
I'm proud of you too that you are still standing and still sane. And hope to be considered one of those friends
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
hey everybody- thanks so much. i know- what a stinking "ride" this is.
half and half today. linda = i wrote you and e-mail but forgot to say- that at the end of the day- i's all total crappola. it doesn't matter what "they" think of us, our sitch, & our actions (or inactions) it doesn't (really) matter what h thinks of us, our family- or even (pretty mujch) ourselvwes.
the observation mwd makes in the "change yourlife & everyoe in it" book- that feelings are untrustworthy things to base our actions on is a valid one i think. they honestly do come and go and change daily, hourly, etc.
i can be in the pits of despair- talk to someone & laugh and have a totally "looser" slant in an hour, etc.
i can hear h's voice and "feel better" in a general, in life kind of way. i's good, it's bad- i don't know, he doesn't know, no one does. like everything.
part of my universal soul belief - either every single thing matters like mad - or every single thing doesn't matter at all. i'm leanign toward the latter in life.
aside from trying to be kind - to everyone &self- i honestly think alllll the rest might be total rubbish.
no kidding-
can't get more refined notion or how to convey it. it's all just junk that doesn't matter.
decide something big- don't decide - deliver ultimatum or wiver and waiver forever- what the heck does it matter?
i could go bonkers and spew "it al" rite out and feel really good doing it- ten minutes later i'll be suferin like a hound thinking i could have - should have- done better, held it in, chosen my words more wisely, etc.
seems with EVERYTHING - you get both- you get everything. there is no one big giant RIGHT thing. except like when you're fishijg that ikid out of the water and saving from drowning, etc. allllllll this play acting and interacting and bs going on in our daily lives- total CR@P.
SOOOO- what we do with that? idk- live today, have a laugh if we can find one- enjoy something pretty- go look around in garden and see what little things are doing what-
watch a tv show & blubber (did that already this morning) go watch last tango in halifax - last episode is a blubber-fest.
felt good Y bad. don't know- trying to just STOP THINKING AND OVERTHINKING EVERTY STINKIN THING IN LIFE.
THAT IS a bad idea - i do it- i'm ryin to stop it and just fly blind- trust what? fate, unierse? h? no clue. just trust &jump kind of thing.
okay- now that you thik i'm totally wacky here- life is too short and WE CANNOT KNOW WHAT WILL COME NEXT . that is that.
