PATIENCE PROMISCUITY AND PROFIDIOUSNESS

[TSquared2]

It is taking a toll on my self-esteem. It is reinforcing all the fears and pain of my abandonment when younger.

FWIW, I would see a counselor about this, I did, after phase 1 and ironically, had it resolved (finally) just before phase 2's BD.

Boy, that "free of abandonment fear feeling" got trounced, but it came back. Totally worth every penny paid to the IC.

Just my 2.5 cents.

[Ambivalent]

Pick your battles wisely

That has been going through my mind too!

I think you raise a very valid concern.

It is tricky for me, because I don't want to reject him. But when someone has been living separately for months ( in my situation ) I cannot bring myself to do it without a test that he is free of std's or worse!

You don't want to die on the receipt hill, right?! Given the totality of your sitch, you may find that there's no need to bring up the receipt's contents in a month's time or down the road as things will, hopefully, progress for the better.

I would love to be able to believe this, albeit the Viagra says to me, extramarital sex is desired, may have already occurred or will.

So I don't think he'll initiate sex with me anytime soon. But if he does, I'm stuck. Something has to be spoken about.

He lied to me for 10 years about using a prostitute.
Then when he admitted it in counseling, he did not mention a condom.

When I discussed this with him, his response was that he did.

So the trust is NOT there, and I would be foolish to assume that he is disease free! If I'm lucky , he'll get one that can be cured and that'll make him look at what he really wants in life!

Do you still want to keep your hand on the hot stove or remove your hand? The choice is yours.

This may be interpreted in many ways...would you please clarify?

[Wonka]

Do you still want to keep your hand on the hot stove or remove your hand? The choice is yours.


This may be interpreted in many ways...would you please clarify?

Sure, Amb. What I meant by the hot stove comment is that you are only hurting yourself by putting your hand on the stove and staying there with your obsession over the receipt.

[Ambivalent]

Mr. Bond.

Most women assume the OW is better than them! It is a woman/competition thing.

So for you to leave your last comment as such...it does come across as nasty.

My ego is not the point . That too is a man thing.

I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt. I've told you how I feel and what helps me.

Using words such as " Perhaps, have you considered, has it occurred, or crossed your mind...are a bit more reader-friendly.

Also, thinking whether the statement may help or hurt is prudent when dealing with someone in pain!

Men are more accepting of being clubbed, women are not! Just something to ponder.

[Ambivalent]

It is something I have dealt with. When one is in an extremely stressful situation, it can creep in. Most of the time it is under control.

The ultimate IS when one IS abandoned...I was! So fighting the feeling can be tricky.

Seeing counselor tomorrow at 2!

[Ambivalent]

Sure, Amb. What I meant by the hot stove comment is that you are only hurting yourself by putting your hand on the stove and staying there with your obsession over the receipt.

okay! Well Zoloft is supposed to be addressing that. Not much I can do . It is what it is...

[cat04]

Most women assume the OW is better than them! It is a woman/competition thing.

This is true.

Finding out about an affair leaves most women filled with insecurities.

It does the same thing for men.

Mr. Bond, was simply stating something that actually happens to be pretty substantiated.

You chose how to interperate it...

My ego is not the point . That too is a man thing.


I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt. I've told you how I feel and what helps me.

Using words such as " Perhaps, have you considered, has it occurred, or crossed your mind...are a bit more reader-friendly.

Your ego is very much the point. To say ego is a "man thing" is a sterotype and simply not true.

All people have ego's. Otherwise women wouldn't feel that woman/competition thing you talked about...

You also appear to have some control issues going on here.

Not every one feels the need to sugar coat their words.

Men are more accepting of being clubbed, women are not! Just something to ponder.

This is also a falsehood.

You appear to make very sweeping generalizations based on very little evidence often.

That doesn't seem to be working very well for you, IMO.

What have you done, besides simply watch and wait for your H to come back home, to change your situation?

What have you done to step out of the victim mindset that you seem to have?

I don't want to bash you, however, I can see some very glaring things that will stand in your way of every reconciling this relationship in a healthy way.

[job]

Mr. Bond is correct and there are a few that do "affair up". The op could be highly educated, have greater social status, higher paying job than you or your spouse, etc. However, when it comes to affairs, I honestly don't think the social status has much to do w/the affair. I still think that the mental and emotional instability of the person creates the setting for the "affair up". The "affair up" person may be able to compartmentalize and perform in an outstanding way in their respective positions, but when it comes to relationships, they are unable to maintain healthy relationships for any length of time. However, this is just my opinion.

[Ambivalent]

Your ego is very much the point. To say ego is a "man thing" is a sterotype and simply not true.

Stereo types are just that for a reason, it tends to hold some truth.

You also appear to have some control issues going on here.

Not every one feels the need to sugar coat their words.

Perhaps, however I'm sharing what helps me. I'm also sharing that I would like a bit more respect. I don't find what he wrote, at the end respectful. One can show compassion, respect and still prompt some self introspection.

This is also a falsehood.

You appear to make very sweeping generalizations based on very little evidence often.

I will agree to disagree here. In my case, I was right in the moment, with a month's worth of evidence. I was raw and my feelings were pouring out.

Now from what I understand , this is a place to vent. I WAS VENTING and it was not helpful to me!

What have you done, besides simply watch and wait for your H to come back home, to change your situation?

What have you done to step out of the victim mindset that you seem to have?

Wow, THOSE are two HUGE assumptions!

At this point I'm not going to defend myself, for I have written quite a bit on this board. Before you assume anything about my behavior, or thinking that there is a lack there of, perhaps a bit of reading on my situation may be of some use.

This is not helpful either . Mr. Bond is a grown man, I was addressing him and our interaction. I expressed what works for me, and also that the way he was relating to me was not helpful. In fact it came across hurtful and snarky.

There is a difference between sugar coating and writing hurtful things. Many times things can come across very harsh at the wrong time. Prefacing goes a long way, and when someone is venting or in deep pain, being hit with a bat is not the best approach.
Perhaps if one was more diplomatic, it would go a long way towards more effective communication or interaction.

I'm not here to argue or defend myself. I understand how things may get misinterpreted on a board.

[quote]I don't want to bash you, however, [color:#FF0000]I can see some very glaring things that will stand in your way of every reconciling this relationship in a healthy way.

Wow! That comes across as I don't want to bash you BUT I'm going to bash you.

Followed by a very cryptic remark. I'm open to brain-storming and suggestions, yes that is another reason I'm here. Ad-hominem remarks when we don't know each other is unhelpful.

That came across very ugly.

Believe me, I'm VERY aware of my faults. And right now but mostly the last two days , I am sensitive.

There is much finger pointing here and it is not productive.

Goal setting, strategizing, information sharing, quotes from MWD, THESE are productive.

Attacking someone's character, when they were or are down ( I mean hurting, not angry ) is not constructive. It just causes someone to withdraw and not share how they are feeling.

I could say...have you always been so cryptic, and judgmental?

Now I didn't mean that snarky or nasty, I'm trying to point out how it may not come across as helpful, or productive. It may come across as hostile.

Is this something with which you may agree?

I'm in turmoil right now, it is very fresh , and I've been fighting for my self-esteem, my marriage, my sanity, and yes working on myself e v e r y s i n g l e day.

[Ambivalent]

Job, I understand this.

And yes I've seen it in both sexes too!. However more than not when experimenting sexually, many men go down due to their feelings about women and who is judged acceptable to "use" for their release or experimentation.


The remark had me curious, and that is why I looked it up after asking about it. I'd never knew reasoning behind it...it was a curiosity.

It really didn't play into my feeling badly. It was more a :"what does it mean?"

No biggie. The other remark just came off like a dig. But again, I was very sensitive, and didn't need to have someone say in a manner of speaking...

She could be hotter, more intelligent, sexier...than you...at the moment. I believe it is a way women relate to each other rather than the way men may. There are always exceptions.

For when I banter with men, I am more like them, with women I may be more aware of the nuances between our sex.