How to convince resistant LD wife?

[Accuray]

Ambivalent, I said it before and I think you thought I was being insincere, but I really appreciate what you are sharing here. It is just so helpful.

This was my favorite post from this thread:

That is why I don't think it is as simple as just libido, for a woman it is tied into her feelings, and whether she feels safe. If it has not been comfortable, or you may have no clue as to her perceptions of things. She has held back, for fear of damaging your ego, masculinity, or friendship, or that you want to please her and she can't be pleased. It would be better to avoid the situation, because it is a constant reminder to her that she cannot "perform". She loses no matter what.

The "trap" you describe where the LD partner feels they are in a no-win situation and therefore decides to just avoid it entirely feels like a very common theme in SSM to me. The response to the "unsafe" feeling is to retreat, rather than take it head on and try to address it. This reaction of retreat versus action is also extremely frustrating to the HD partner.

Unfortunately I don't think the HD partner can do anything to spring that trap. Anything they do to directly address the issue is construed as adding pressure and making the relationship even less safe, whereas just ignoring the issue validates the LD partner's decision to abstain and makes it seem that their course of action has been accepted. There is no motivation for the LD partner to engage on either course.

It's a trap for the HD partner as well.

The ONLY way out is the LD partner deciding to take action, and the only motivation for that seems to be the HD partner leaving or cheating or both. Unfortunately, I believe that the marriage has often disintegrated in many other ways at this point, so even the HD partner leaving may not be enough to change anything.

Acc