PATIENCE PROMISCUITY AND PROFIDIOUSNESS

[MrBond]

"I saw him as POSSIBLY taking advantage of me."

No you saw him taking advantage of you PERIOD. At that time, without the benefit of a doubt he was having an A.

"My husband is an opportunist. I've seen him with his "best friends" and he does think of himself."

That doesn't mean that it's how he is with you. Be honest, you know you treat him differently than you do your friends and vice versa.

"It doesn't take a neuro surgeon to figure this one out."

And neither you or I are neuro surgeons.

"It is pretty evident and IF presented in a court of law, believe me, it would not be just myself raising an eyebrow."

Let's not exaggerate here. You don't know the truth.

"It is almost as if you are gas-lighting here, defending something that is pretty evident."

No I was pointing out the fact that you don't know the truth. Only your H does. You're speculating and guessing. If you want to know the truth, then ask him. You're just mindreading until you hear it from him.

BTW, don't EVER accuse me of gaslighting and defending an A. My W had a 3 year A with her boss so I do know a thing or two about A's.

Oh and all that stuff about "affairing down"...I've seen many cases on here where the WAS actually affairs up.

[TSquared2]

I did initially, about a month before BD, it was a disaster (I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had kept my mouth shut, would this journey have been shorter/easier? I'll never know).

I laid some boundaries regarding her bringing the computer I built her (to keep her off the kids' computers with this stuff, she was very forgetful about "cleaning up", and shutting down IM) and the webcam into the MBR.

I also told her "not in the house".

But after confronting, she seemed to actually go into "I'll show you mode" (this was prevalent with the "anger stage"). Show she was pretty blatant about the cyber for a good while. I still cringe at the sound of an IM "new message" alert. I had figured that a PA was a probability so when I saw possible evidences, I guess I put myself into a quasi-denial state, lol, or something...but I knew from all my research what this all was, what was driving it from her history, and I knew it had to die a natural death, since confronting and working with IC back in 2009 to get her to stop resulted in a nasty, meaning phase 2 of MLC after a beautiful break...

So, I did a lot of ignoring, overlooking, making allowances. I found the "Be still and know exercise" mediation really helped me get through this, it's used by the VA for PTSD vets, easy to google and free to download.

When the PA came to light, she volunteered it because she brought home a "social present" to share the one time we have had sex since before BD, which was her "testing" sex with me after ending it with PA OM and last EA OM had dumped her (yuck...*sigh*).

And I have seen some evidence she falls back into every now and then it since then, she has admitted she is addicted to it (the cyber) and attention from men, etc. I have said nothing. I get that recovering from an addiction you do stumble sometimes (ex-smoker here). So I let it be. Hers to figure out, I have my own things and agenda right now.

If a new/rekindled PA and/or a big dive back into the cyber, then, at this point, a different story. I trust my gut, and observational abilities, to tell me. So I don't worry about it, too much, lol.

Hope that helps some...

[Ambivalent]

Mr. Bond...

I saw him as POSSIBLY taking advantage of me."

No you saw him taking advantage of you PERIOD. At that time, without the benefit of a doubt he was having an A.

This is YOUR perception. I would not consider an affair as taking advantage of me, disrespectful yes. But not taking advantage.

I was referring to asking to use the SUV, not about the receipt. You assumed incorrectly here. Meaning I was questioning if he was being nice , so he could use the car.

As for this comment:

Oh and all that stuff about "affairing down"...I've seen many cases on here where the WAS actually affairs up.

This comes across as just plain nasty...it serves no purpose but to place fear or doubts into a woman's mind.

If you really want to be of some help...that kind of comment is really uncalled for. Strategize, goal set, share informative articles.

You may think you are helping by "calling me out" on things, but your writing has a tone which comes across as very angry and insensitive. That type of tone, with me, is ineffective. Especially when I was in the pain I was in.

It comes across as cruel. It may be effective with men...but not me. I had a father who was an attorney and he would badger me like that.

I don't take kindly to it, and I find it very off-putting and somewhat nasty . Too in your face.

[job]

Ambivalent,
I'm very glad to see you are slowly winding down from your spin. It takes time to find your footing once again. I'm glad my cyber friend's site was of help to you. She use to post here and she went through her own trial and tribulations...but her h is home now and I think things are going well for her now.

I think you are wise in waiting a while before you confront. At this point, none of us knows what is going on w/that scenario...so it's best to wait and see what else transpires, if anything. The holidays are coming and I know you would like to have a nice gathering for your family and it's wise to put this type of stuff aside until you are calmer and can figure out how you want to approach things. They always remind us that we need to be prepared for what we may hear. In some instances, it's nothing but chatter and in other instances what we are told hurts terribly, so you'll need to think about that.

My opinion is this, I wouldn't be happy w/my h dealing with an escort, prostitute or an ow. Quite frankly, there is no difference in the word affair for any of them if a sexual act is performed. Any of them can pass along the friend that keeps on giving and yes, it's a slap in the face to the spouse, no matter who they are. But that's my opinion.

For now, try to stay positive. Look at what he's done in the last few weeks. He's ensured that you've had heat, he's contacted the person to mow/rake leaves, he put gas in your vehicle, he's been happy to have you accompany him to the hunting site and to the butcher. Oh, in one last thing...he's been willing to tell you where he's going, etc. These, to me, are positives. Keep doing what works and leave the negatives at the door.

Ambivalent...keep the focus on you. Continue to do activities that make you happy and have a calming effect on you. The only person that you can control is yourself and how you deal w/his crisis and your environment.

Take care.

[Ambivalent]

Thank you T, for sharing a very personal part of your life.

My husband hasn't expressed anger or resentment since May...so IF I confront, it will be a few months down the road. Hopefully, IF it is an affair...he'll not get emotionally attached.

I know he is not ready to end the marriage. Just recently stated this.

I know what I experienced the last few days was real.

I know his friend appreciated what I did, due to his comments in front of my H.

I know he is noticing .

What he does with this...I don't know ha!

I'm just sitting still and listening.

He'll contact me soon. Either to get the meat, or to hunt again.

I initiated last, so no more on my end. If he moves toward me again, I'll respond.

Sorry about the STD. That is a very big concern for me. Especially since I saw his Viagra.

I haven't had him initiate sex, probably won't. I would be placed in a very awkward position, since I haven't asked about the receipt yet. It could do a lot of damage. Hopefully, I can do it after the holidays and then deal with the damage...I still am AMBIVALENT about that one. (;}

[LoisB]

I don't agree with Mr. Bond about the affair down.

I think, at least in my experience with my grandpa, dad and now H, affairing down is fairly common--especially when it comes to morality/values of the person.

But, that's just my personal opinion. I'm not a professional.

Heather

[Ambivalent]

Thanks JOB,

My opinion is this, I wouldn't be happy w/my h dealing with an escort, prostitute or an ow. Quite frankly, there is no difference in the word affair for any of them if a sexual act is performed. Any of them can pass along the friend that keeps on giving and yes, it's a slap in the face to the spouse, no matter who they are. But that's my opinion.

Oh believe me, me too! I was stepping back and thinking about emotional attachment over sexual promiscuity. Both hurt, and yes BOTH carry high risks. I believe this is one of the reason for the physical separation. It allows him to be experimental and not give it to me.

For he probably thought I'd try and jump him and then where'd he be? This way, he doesn't have me "see" anything.

Either way, it is a justification for adultery . Either way I'm not sure where this will lead.

By giving myself a year of Hell, I should be strong enough to move on from him. Right now, I'm not. I vacillate to and fro, and cannot stand it at times.

It is taking a toll on my self-esteem. It is reinforcing all the fears and pain of my abandonment when younger.

Like I said before, I may be mind reading or assuming, but too many things are tangible. I still know him enough, and also know the language of the/a liar enough to know it is a VERY real and present predictable possibility.

Doncha just love alliteration?

[Wonka]

I haven't had him initiate sex, probably won't. I would be placed in a very awkward position, since I haven't asked about the receipt yet. It could do a lot of damage. Hopefully, I can do it after the holidays and then deal with the damage...I still am AMBIVALENT about that one. (;}

I think you raise a very valid concern. What we can do is offer suggestions on how to handle your discovery of the receipt. Ultimately the choice is yours. I do want to leave this thought with you:

Pick your battles wisely

You don't want to die on the receipt hill, right?! Given the totality of your sitch, you may find that there's no need to bring up the receipt's contents in a month's time or down the road as things will, hopefully, progress for the better.

Again, you know your H the best and can figure out the best way to proceed. Whether it be giving him the opportunity to explain it or letting it go. Many of us have had discoveries and never said a peep to our spouses. It seems to be, from my perspective, that you are obsessing over the receipt a bit too much. How can you work through this?

The crux of this present dilemma is this:

Do you still want to keep your hand on the hot stove or remove your hand? The choice is yours.

[Ambivalent]

Lois,

Either way , it is about the opposite of the spouse.

It came across as a snide comment, and I don't believe it was a kind or helpful thing to write to someone who is raw.

[MrBond]

"This comes across as just plain nasty...it serves no purpose but to place fear or doubts into a woman's mind.

If you really want to be of some help...that kind of comment is really uncalled for. Strategize, goal set, share informative articles."

I don't know why you see it as nasty. It's the truth. In the 5 years I've been posting I've seen cases where the OP is rich, attractive and generally nice people. Sometimes they're duped by the WAS, sometimes they really are bad people. The point is that every situation is different.

I apologize if you feel that my approach is too "in your face" but it is also the truth just as much as everyone who is telling you the opposite.

My W's OM was a successful surgeon whom many women found extremely attractive and rich. He even confronted me at my working place to use a professional relationship he had with my boss to try and get me fired. I told my boss straight up what was going on and was honest and to the point. She admired that and told the OM to take a hike.

You may not like what I say but I'm trying to show you every unexpected consequence that could come up. Ask yourself this...are you here to get your ego stroked or are you looking at ways to save your marriage? Regardless of how badly I disagreed with someone's advice in my sitch, I never discounted them. You can learn from both. It's up to you.