Great day with S10 as we had together time at church carnival while W and S12 had their own time. Then we all went to a cookout. Good good, lots of friends and kids. Played football, danced a little. W had a great time and seemed to be the life if the party as others wanted her to dance more. Fun for everyone.
I have always seen MLC as an attack on one's character, not their personality.
It is kind of like when a person loses one of their senses (sight, hearing, speech) , the other senses are enhanced greatly.
It is highly unusual to have a MLCer NOT be the life of a party.
Make no mistake though, it is a mask that is hiding the pain deep within....
Originally Posted By: JF
Then crap. W initiates conversation when we get home about what we should say to S12 about what's going on. Asks me if I've talked to him. Under the guise of a "friendly" conversation about the welfare if our children I get spurts if venom again.
"I don't know what flipped your switch this week, but you went from wanting to kick me out to being friendly". I resisted the opportunity to remind her that OM called last Friday and she confessed to continuing to talk to him after lying that she had stopped.
That "guise" was her looking for a button to push on you...
Recognize it for what it was, and keep an eye out for it to happen again in the future.
She pushes the button, you dance, and she can go off on how you HAVEN'T changed. Same ol JF....
Do you really want to be that guy ???
Originally Posted By: JF
"I'm not sure how much S12 has heard, but you're loud when you say things to me. I'm sure when you said I had a boyfriend he heard that. Thanks for that, by the way." That statement was made on BD night as the world I knew it was falling on top if me. She's been holding onto that one since that night to use against me.
It IS unfortunate that your Son has had to hear this....
Although, it is NOT your fault that she has a boyfriend, nor is it your responsibility to protect her affair. Your job is to protect your Sons.
Let her own her actions as far as the affair is concerned.
Originally Posted By: JF
I calmly tried to explain that the difference in my behavior was due to the fact that it took me a few days to process new information and that I've been working hard to look at myself. I said "when you say I flipped a switch..,". She immediately denied saying that. She just made that exact statement 5 minutes earlier. I was quoting her. She was spitting so much venom she didn't even remember what she said. Unbelievable.
And you are talking.........why ?
Explaining anything.......why ???
Originally Posted By: JF
I resisted every temptation to defend and be drawn into a fight. 3 different times she says that she doesn't want to fight, but...
But.....
But you failed ???
Which led to this \/ \/ \/ \/
Originally Posted By: result of JF's BUT
Great day ruined again. I believe she is incapable of allowing anything positive to happen. I had a great time today around friends and being with my kids. W and I got along gone during it all and she seemed to have fun. I caught her watching me playing football a couple times. I also caught her watching me dance.
Does her fog make her afraid of progress? Is she so mixed up and lost that chaos us more comfortable? Is it everything in general, or is it just seeing me be positive that envokes venom?
This stinks. I can't even have fun with my kids and other friends without W destroying it afterwards.
Stop it....
Ruined ??
Destroyed ???
Only because YOU allowed that to happen....
Stop spinning around what SHE wants...
Find your own path to YOUR happiness.
Originally Posted By: JF
W is awful interested in my activities for some reason. I expect a full round of crap tonight again. As I got up this morning to take family dog out, I came back in to find that she had been through my text messages. She laid there in the bed so innocently as I walked back into the bedroom and asked me about how cold it was outside. I chose not to confront her or ask anything. I truly have nothing to hide except for this forum.
Standard script for the MLCer
Something is different about you, something is not the way they think it should be....
Take it for what it is, and take a step forward for yourself today....
Stop living in the fear, that one conversation, or one interaction is either the end, or the new beginning of anything.
Nothing hinges on one moment....
Live YOUR life for today...
She has a long way to go in the slow cooker.
Then again, so do you....
And let me leave you with this thought....
You said that you don't know if you can last a couple years...
Yes ???
First off, throw away the timeline, it will not serve you well....
Secondly...
Would you give up a couple years of your life, to have a chance at 50 year anniversary with this Woman ???
I refuse to engage her in argument. W has continued to try to find ways to push my buttons and I have tried to be supportive and avoid any temptations to defend myself. When she directly asked me about "flipping a switch" I explained a bit.
I have a hard time detaching. If she is so important that I am willing to give up 2-3 years of my life to this roller coaster of crap, then how can I detach from the need to see her get better?
I want her to not be lost and hurt. In the meantime, as she navigates this journey, I have taken care of the family.
I like myself better right now than I did 6-8 months ago. I have really examined my everyday outlook and my interactions with coworkers, family, everyone. I tend to be a nicer, more caring person. The most important thing is that I have really gotten better with my children. My kids now run to me and hug me on a regular basis like they did when they were little. They also know that if they ask me to do something with them, generally, I will drop whatever it is and spend time with them. (Both asked for me to play with them yesterday as W was gone for over 6 hours on a shopping trip with MIL.) I also find that they are looking more and more to me for things that W used to provide. Homework help, signing permission slips, report cards, make lunch, etc. I like this guy. He makes me happy.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
How can I find a way to deal with wanting to reach out and touch her? I crave her touch, her warmth.
As I mentioned earlier, I fear that I don't know how long I can go without the touch of another person. I know what that makes me feel like. In general human beings desire closeness and physical intimacy. I am definitely one of those humans.
Any words of wisdom or nuggets for me in that area?
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
Forgot to mention that when W continued to try to engage me in argumentative conversation the other night, I finally left and went for a run. I didn't fight with her, only discussed S12 and what "we" thought he should be reassured about.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
It's tough, but you have reach down and find your center, discover the difference between "need" and "want".
Basically, meet your own needs. I didn't think I could go for as long as I have...2 years...but somehow, somewhere the strength was within me. You can find it. Look deeply. Oh, and a vivid imagination and/or a little porn and astroglide doesn't hurt...(PNA)
As far regular everyday hugs and such, my kids are the best provider of that.
Hope that helps some.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
lol at the porn and astroglide, w/e it takes to get thru. Is W totally against your efforts to make physical contact? I'm trying to remember back to previous posts.
separated since 9/01/13 M-31 W-36 D-4 Move back home 12/26/13 3 months of tough times Finally in a happy M
I have been living in a SSM for about 10 years prior to BD. Never quite like this. I have given her 2 or 3 long body massages since BD. She did reject the idea of me going any further. Finding a way to "cope with" or "handle" my own needs has never been a problem for me. Th AD I'm on does make it a little more difficult.
If I reach out to rub her back or try to hold her, will that be counterproductive to my DBing? I have been free from all physical contact for several weeks now. No touch, no rub, not even an accidental bump. Will that be seen as pursuing? I don't want to push her away even more. She is clearly taking interest and noticing my changes.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
How can I find a way to deal with wanting to reach out and touch her? I crave her touch, her warmth.
As I mentioned earlier, I fear that I don't know how long I can go without the touch of another person. I know what that makes me feel like. In general human beings desire closeness and physical intimacy. I am definitely one of those humans.
Any words of wisdom or nuggets for me in that area?
These are.....YOUR wants.....right ???
Just so I know....
This is in your own head, that you NEED another person to fulfill your needs. Is it nice ???
Sure
Is it a NEED ????
I would say it isn't..
It is a craving, just like your kid's Halloween candy is.
Just on a bigger level....
The craving is fueled from your guilt, over the things that you could have done better with over the years.
You can tell me that it is Human desire, or whatever. That is just an excuse. You lived your first 10-15 years without it, It CAN be done....
Yes ???
If you believe that you can be different, then you can be different....
IF you can't ???
Sit on your hand until it falls asleep, then it feels like it is someone else.... ( I would do a little smiley face or a wink emoticon, I just don't want you to get the wrong idea )
I think I've got it now. Just keep on taking care of myself and it'll all be good. No winking emoticons here. That subject was a little simpler than the rest of this crap.
Wish there were other simple answers..,
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
