2.25 Years, Moving Forward

[adinva]

Rick asked if I had ever thought about what I want out of life, and I've been kicking around various answers to that question. Some are very wordy. The short version is that I often do think about that. I don't sit down to think long and hard, it's more like what I think about when I'm on hikes or lounging in my hammock or in the morning before I get out of bed.

I think that everything I have right now is what I want out of life or on a path toward those things.

My bomb and the ensuing personal work opened my eyes up to living intentionally, with feeling, and looking to be authentic. No more skating across the surface, accepting whatever lot I get with a smile, and holding everyone at arms length. I say I love you to people I love, and I look them in the eyes, and I feel what I feel. That's a good improvement.

I live my priorities every day. Family, all three generations of it, as well as health and wellness, working enough to be secure but not too much to enjoy life, putting something of joy into every single day. Reaching out for others when I need a connection, or to find out if they do. Hobbies that I get excited about. A home full of love and chaos.

I don't have everything I hope for, because what is life if you have everything you hope for? I have a few areas that will be evolving over the next 10 years, my career, where I live, and of course the fact that my kids will be grown up by then. Saving up to travel. Strengthening all of my connections.

I don't have a guy to share my life with but I'd put that on the 10-year plan. For sure I'd love to be married again, I loved being married. I'm not really thinking about that much right now because I have a lot more pressing things to think about. But I do share my life often and enthusiastically with my friends and family.

I'm doing meetups about 3 to 4 times a month and enjoying sharing interests with interesting people. I like that my kids see that my life doesn't revolve around them even though I am always available for them. I like that they could name three or four things that identify me other than "mom."

I'm working on exorcising some demons that held me back in my past relationships, and practicing new skills as much as possible.

I always have more in my "inbox" than I can get done, but I get the important things done and I don't feel bad about the things I do half-a@@ because they're just not as important to me.

I want out of life deep connections with people, the ability to create beauty and joy by developing my talents and interests, to leave the world better than I found it, to raise young men who know how to love and be happy in life, to give back to causes that are meaningful to me, to have health and vitality for as long as I have life, to make a living that enables me to do what I think is important. That's enough to keep me busy all my days, but I'm not waiting, I'm doing or working toward those things all the time.

Another thing I got out of the bomb was being freed to seek help. It's been great. I find so much to work on in counseling, and love the books it has led me to. I really don't know why H and I were so worried about marring our "permanent record" all those years. If you need help, you need help, and it's stupid to think you have all the answers.

I think my life is fantastic and fun. It's not the same as what some other people do for fun, but it's what I want.