PATIENCE PROMISCUITY AND PROFIDIOUSNESS

[Ambivalent]

Whoa whoa,

Actually it did help. It allowed me to prepare myself. I am a research to death kinda gal. I need to know...need to understand.

Mr. Bond, you are right in the fact that yes, I had made progress. And yes IF he is having an affair, he chose to share the hunting site with me, he chose to be alone and allow us to spend time doing something other than discussing logistics.

Dinner and sharing wine, was another choice. He could have said no, he could have left, he could have chosen not to have a conversation, and he most definitely did not have to initiate any physical contact ( hug ).

I also did not forget the eye flashing when he came in early Sat. morning. So the coming forward was not forgotten.

The Hero's Spouse has helped a great deal. It explains things, for I am a very curious individual. I don't want to hate my H.

But I also don't like having crap heaped upon me either. I have always been active in my marriage. I came from divorce, with a front row seat. It was horrible and excruciating. My mom did all the mistakes.

I was actually the cool one, in their situation. I even confronted my dad and his temp. OW when we were both at the Officer's Club on Easter. Through my father in a tail spin. He didn't know how to handle my calm , cool , and yes even somewhat sarcastic presentation.

I know my venting is disturbing, it is disturbing to me to even articulate what is going on in my mind. I have managed OCD, so stopping thoughts at crisis is impossible if I'm feeling passionate about the situation. But they are thoughts, not actions.

I do not act on my thoughts, never have, and hopefully never will.

I do believe something is going on. I would prefer it be an escort, for with that I can at least have the comfort of knowing that it would NEVER amount to anything. It still is reprehensible to me, for I am a woman, and have two daughters.

So the thought that he could "use" a woman in that manner is something that disturbs me greatly.

If it is an affair, that is another ball of wax. It adds salt to an open wound. It is something that could potentially go somewhere. At this point I doubt it though. For he too is not stupid. He knows about rebound relationships, it is also born of deceit. Thrilling at first, but he DOES have a conscience.

He also cares what his daughters think. He cares about "presentation" to others and family. He does like a strong woman, me, and he has been seeing one in me for the past months.

Even though I'm strong outwardly, inside I'm a marshmallow. I have been hurt in many ways as a younger girl, and young woman. I gird myself and do not always allow people in as I used to, for fear of being hurt again.

I needed compassion, AND I needed information. I needed a plan and strategy. I still don't know how I feel about whether to confront or not.

Part of me wants to know, that is the curious side of me. I want to know how serious it is. Is he just using me for the suv, and now that he bought the hitch he spent money. The other part is bothered because he spent money on a woman and is asking ME to cut back on cable...that HE set up with all the bells and whistles.

Now that I use it and have the ability to have a few moments that whisk me away from my troubles, he wants to downsize. So what I see is, he's spending money on his activities, women, hunting, cards, bowling, and I'm supposed to deal with being in our home with all the memories, going to school and trying to concentrate, I stopped tennis due to the club costs and flight costs. I feel I'm giving and he has been dishonest.

I never asked him if he is seeing someone, or where he goes and what he does. He constantly telling me what he's about to do, or where he's been, and it is as if he needs to tell me these things, because he is doing something about what he isn't proud.