So lost and hurt #3

[CharlieBrown]

"W- I want the fairy tale. I know that sounds really cheesy but its the only way I can describe it. I want to be the center of your world. I need to be able to count on you, trust you, know that you'll protect me no matter what and know you will always keep your promises. I'm asking a lot I know that but I don't want mediocre I want extraordinary."

I am mixed on this Indigo, not knowing your W. On one hand you have the "I want the fairy tale" part. Well, I want to look like George Clooney and hit Powerball this week, but part of being a mature adult is knowing what is reality. On the other hand, your W is telling you that before she couldn't count on you, couldn't trust you, and didn't believe you would protect her no matter what, and didn't believe you kept your promises. Is this a fair statement? Is she right? Have you changed and know that this would be different now? These requests don't sound like a make-believe vision of what a husband should be, they seem pretty reasonable to me.

I know there were things that she was not the best with and having an A right now doesn't trust build, I get all that, but you can only control yourself, I would suggest writing these things down and writing what would be different now than before (I am a business guy and do this a lot, helps me get my thoughts together).

Then, when you meet tonight, STFU and listen. No matter how great what she is saying is. You have the luxury of going away for a week Thursday, you might focus tonight on hearing what she has to say and really dig into it with a lot of questions, assure her you still love her and would love a life together, but that you need to process it and want to talk more when you get back from hunting? I think just giving her quick answers to tough questions surrounded by a lot of pain would send a message that you don't really hear her and don't really get it. I don't know, just my two cents.

Good luck, no matter how you cut it, the fact that she has expressed this to you is a positive thing, just go in with tempered expectations.

CB

[indigo1]

Her statement about the way I was is accurate for sure. I have never attempted to deny that with her through all of this. What she wants me to be is by no means too much to ask of her husband. And looking back on things its not too much to ask of myself. I know we could have a great future together knowing and learning about myself what I have thru this so far. Its what I'm trying to achieve for myself no matter how this situation pans out in the end. And I will STFU tonight for sure haha. Cool as a cucumber!

[indigo1]

Ok so a quick recap on dinner with W last night. I will probably go into more detail when I get on a computer later.

We ended up hanging out for 3 1/2 hours. She brought up a lot of stuff that I had done wrong in the past which I did not deny and agreed with. Then she kinda shifted gears and talked about how she wants things to be from now on in her life with me if this were to work out. Once again I agreed with her and said that is the way I would like things to be as well. That if I did not truly believe I have been changing for the better and could give her those things I would just let her go so she could be happy. I could see this had a positive reaction.

Then she shifted to another gear talking about other things bothering her that did not involve me. Work, family, regrets and so on. I gave a little positive input when asked, but mostly sat there keeping eye contact and listening.

Then things got a little interesting. We moved to the bar to sit and after about a hour she turned her seat so it was facing me and I did the same to her. She tells me that she wants me to act the way I truly want to when I'm around her. I simply say I'm kinda handcuffed in being able to do that because I feel it would make you uncomfortable if I initiated physical contact which I know she wants from me. Or wanted should I say. She responds that I need to fight for her and show her how I want to be towards her from now on.

We end up holding hands with her legs between mine and talking for another hour. The looks she was giving me were looks of love, a lot of long deep looks and eye contact. Admits again she loves me and it sometimes makes her mad that the feeling won't go away. She then says to me where do we go from here? I respond by saing I can't decide that, you need to make that call. I said I know what I want, but it's on you. Was not prepared for that question.

So it was time to go, let her put on my jacket as it had gotten cold out side and held her as we walked to her car. I got in with her until her car heated up. We shared a long hug, followed by a kiss on the cheech which turned into four or five long kisses on the lips. I did not initiate this W did. Then we parted ways.

It was a good night in my eyes. W opened up a lot more with me and it felt so nice to get my first kiss in a long time. I'm reading nothing into this besides possibly a little positive progress. W is still very confused at this point. I actually slept last night with no aid of anything. My mind was at peace.

[JFun51]

Wow. Sounds like major developments Indigo. What I wouldn't give for a night like that right now! Just caution yourself to not get too excited and wherever it leads you, it leads you. Keep being yourself. You've apparently done something right.

[CharlieBrown]

A good night indeed, sounds like you really had an opportunity to demonstrate your new listening skills!

How was it left? Any follow ups?

CB

[indigo1]

She texted me this morning telling me to have a good day. I told her her the same. As good as it was, its just one night with a long road ahead. As good as it felt to hold hands, hug, and actually kiss I'm keeping a level head thru this. I need to see a lot more positive progress before I can fully open myself up again.

[Truegritter]

I am hoping for the best here but what I have been seeing from you is a lot of watching and chasing after your W.

Detachment is to protect YOU from the roller coaster you have allowed yourself to ride with her.

How much did she have to drink?

Be careful here.....

Look you screwed up in your M before right?

That is the worst place to be to try and reconcile and I don't mean because she may not forgive you.

I mean you have to forgive yourself.

Otherwise you will be this guy who buckles at every criticism whether deserved or not.

Time to put the words in a box and let them stay locked up. Enough talking about how you have changed.

The quicker YOU decide what you want and not let your W decide your fate for you the clearer you will be on this and the more detached you 'll become.

WTF am I talking about?

Don't let her make the choice whether your marriage can be saved. Don't give her that power. Take back your own.

You want to save your M? Then state that as YOUR goal regardless of what your W is saying, not saying, doing not doing....

It's true she has a right to divorce you and that is HER choice.

Do for you Indigo.

The rest will take care of itself.

[indigo1]

I do not chase her anymore. She texted me at 1:30 in the morning with all of this wanting to talk not me. I did agree to go to dinner with her which again was her idea. None of this was me chasing her. I know how my wife is and not all of these DB principles are right for my situation.

I have detached a lot over these past two months. If last night happened even one month ago I would be on cloud nine today thinking OMG we are gonna make this work. I know better than to think like that now, it was just a good night. Am I glad the way it turned out? Of course I am, but I'm mentally prepared for her to call me in five minutes saying it was a mistake and she let her guard down or something like that.

Once again, I appreciate all input I get on here. It helps me see other perspectives on what is going on in my situation which is never a bad thing!

[Ambivalent]

Indigo,

As MWD says, its okay to celebrate the positive steps. YAY! That was not just a good night, but an awesome night. IF she was drinking, you can expect some withdrawal . For when "softened" much of the heart does come out. If she was sober, even better.
She took a risk.

I know you didn't pursue, but you do talk a lot to her about you changing or changes. It has been 2 months. Talking about changes IS an argument, no matter how softly presented. It is one of the no-no's.
If changes are important to your wife, allow her to notice them, comment on them, but you stay mum about them. Casual.

Again, great night! Intimacy building and risk taking on HER part. She's been hurt by you, and she allowed herself to be vulnerable with you...that is HUGE!

<3

[indigo1]

Ok, so looks like I do need to shut my mouth in regards to my changes. Not the first time this has been mentioned haha.