Intro - hoping for support/advice on DBing

[melissag]

We told the kids over the weekend. It was awful. I was pretty sad and, really, MAD. The kids are all over Dad now . . . I am wondering if they think that if they are really loving and good, he will stay. They fight over who gets to sit next to him at meals. It made me feel like crap and I was pretty upset . . . then yesterday I played basketball for an hour (shooting baskets outside my house, slamming the ball into the ground as hard as I could, chasing after it, etc.) and holy cow, I felt like a whole new person afterward! I don't know if it's the time to reflect, the exercise, the endorphins . . . but I was able to get it together, make dinner for the fam, have a fun night and 180 like a pro. H slept with me again (he seems to be doing that more and more, though never two nights in a row).

It's very frustrating how much fun we have together and how connected we are at times, but then he is moving out. I guess I have to remember that while he may be enjoying how things are now, he is still feeling very burned by what happened before, and doesn't trust that things will stay like they are now. I think I really need to

A lot of my frustration/anger comes from the fact that, though I have been taking all the blame and acknowledging my part in how crappy our M became, he truly doesn't see where he went wrong, or that he did go wrong! I was thinking a lot about it yesterday because I have almost convinced myself that this is all my fault, and have been carrying that heavy burden for a while now, and honestly, I think that it truly was a vicious circle . . . we were both hurt and neither of us would go first to change things. It's hard to have my feelings feel totally invalid and irrelevant - but I know I have to get over it because right now I have to put him first.

A question for the expert DBers . . . what do I do when he moves out? I have been really good about it for the most part (though he knows I am upset and don't want him to go) - I offered to take the kids to get some things for his new place, I listen to all their talk about how cool his apartment is and I'm encouraging . . . but I know I am going to lose it when the time actually comes. Am I supposed to pretend like I don't care? That seems impossible. Or can I just be real (without begging, seeming pathetic, talking about the future, etc.) and allow him to see my sadness, but then go back to GAL, etc. after he is gone?