Questions without answers...I'm tired of asking.

[albamarie]

i have a bad bad feeling it all unfolds in it's own time- we are stinkin pawns and relatively powerless when it comes rite down to it. i mean in the sense of hurrying the universe -

I'm scared that you may be absolutely right!

i'm going to take a page from linda's book and begin seriously teling myself i'm seein good things coming.

Ok, me too! Not my style, but what I have doing for myself lately isn't really working either. So why not. Positive thinking here I come. I read the Secret, I can do this.

So Nero, I positively can say I feel like I'm full of sh!t saying it, but I will move away from that or die trying. Here's to a good spin.

[nero]

hey - ilike that- i'm quite full of "s" myself on a daily basis.

look how "free" we are - if you can't sometimes scratch yourhead and laugh at this crappola and self- wtf - we'd die - rite?

so what the hedck are you saying your'e "moving away from it" or die?

i got lost. see, i can't even stick with the stinking train of thought for treeminutes.

but anyway- the positive thinking thing. i got a bit off he trail when the guy was saying he wanted a bunch of women and then a bunch called him- yawn - a bit much to swallow.

i get it it's a "pitch" however, i do happen to believ ein life and in general it's waaaay better to be grateful for whatever you've got to be grateful for - than to spend life wanting whatever it is you don't have -

soooo- s ince that's part of their spiel as well- and also- the whole listing the good things (gratitude i believe in)

and one other thing that is something i like -

oh well- one more thing to just think over and have a smnile over. she's pretty gung & ho. i'm only gung- but why not???

it's a huge joke dawn- this whole thing. it's been makin me blue this week- lack of work. if this babe doesn't call next week i'm gonna have to go sigh up at someother schools or somethig drastic - da dda da dummmmmmm.

patience - it's a b!tch isn't it???

hang on dearioe - we've got so f'ing mjch of our lives invested here - between 30 or so years of GOOD and en years of probably & totally $uck - welll-

almost a challenge to see it thru to bitter end and see how very long one can stomach this tripe!

any predictions??? i personally think i' stayin rite away from time frames or i get really depressed over howlong - how stupid, etc.

xxo hope your evening is okay

[RosaLinda]

"i'm going to take a page from linda's book and begin seriously teling myself i'm seein good things coming."

"Ok, me too! Not my style, but what I have doing for myself lately isn't really working either. So why not. Positive thinking here I come. I read the Secret, I can do this.

So Nero, I positively can say I feel like I'm full of sh!t saying it, but I will move away from that or die trying. Here's to a good spin."

Wow, I am truly honored that you guys see me as positive, some sort of positive influence. You will probably take it back when you read my whiny update on my new thread. And Dawn Marie, saying that you positively feel like you're "full of sh!t" does NOT count as thinking positive

Dawn, I read what you wrote yesterday:
"I can't get past this. If I could only get past the EA friendship I could stand, that is the one thing that makes me run away.
Get rid of the POS or I will get rid of you, that's what I tell him!!!!!
How wrong is that!!!"

I understand how hard it is for you. Your H had a PA with this woman in the past. They are no longer having a PA, but now he feels like "saving her" is some sort of penance or salvation he needs to do to make up for his past life, and he wants you to "accept" her as some kind of friend he is helping out financially and emotionally.

It would take a far stronger person than I am to be good with that. The fact that the person he now wants to help, (you said she is crazy and an alcoholic to boot, right?) is the exact same person he had a PA with would stick in anyone's throat and make it hard to swallow their anger and pride.

But I think that is what you need to do. You do not have to stay there living with him if you cannot bear it another second. I know it hurts you that have told H to get rid of her, but he is not able to at this time. These EAs are some sort of obsession with them, and it hurts.

But from what you have said in the past, your H is more open and more aware about his MLC journey than the rest of the MLC spouses here. He understands that he is on a journey and has asked you to try to accept it and to let him complete it. That, to me, means that he realizes that the EA is temporary, and that it has an ending point.

What do you think you could accept about this friendship? Can you see any boundaries you could make that would help you to be able to bear it, and at the same time, enable H to complete the journey he knows he is taking?

I have a lot of trouble with setting boundaries. They have to be enforceable, and something meant to help us.

I know that it bothers you when he goes to see her at the bar, but at least that is a public place. Maybe you could tell him that he can only see her if you go with him? Would it make you feel better if you tried to think of her as some type of charity case, and go to the store to buy food for her with him? Give her some of your old clothes?

Maybe these are just too Pollyannish for you, but they are the sort of things that would help me to be able to bear their friendship, and to stand a little longer.

[albamarie]

Thanks for posting everyone.

I am only looking forward today. Some nice changes have been coming my way and I am going to try to be very present in the good. My S26 proposed and will be planning for a wedding.

As far as H this quote says it for me:

''When you think going outside your marriage wlil be better for you, give your wife the attention you give your ''friend'' and then see how your wife reacts, she probably will surprise you!''

I will continue to try to channel the good thoughts. Here's to a long haul!

[nero]

hey hi man-

good luck with your positive new m.o. and congrats on weedding plans- nice...

iknow, rite, treating everyone as nicely as they would a checkout girl at the foodstore- i'vesaid it about my mom a million timwes-

how sad everyonje takes for granted the schmos at home whome they love and who love them- and then alllll this courtesy for total stinking strangers-

one of life's stupid & sad little aspects huh???

anyway- just sayin hi and checkin in- now tht i'm here i have noting particularly useful tos ay- so i'm outta here. hopew your day is good-

i'm gonna bal. mom's checking acct and hand it over tyo nazi sis- hoping against hope she does an okay & diligent job of conserving mom's meagre savings, etc.

she's determined to be the big cheese - i wouldn't want to stand in the way of her cheese-ness. who knows, maybe a miracle will occur and she'll do a fine job and i'll be mighty glad to be off the hook for all the paperwork - yay.

hope springs eternal huh?

xxoo

[albamarie]

Ok, so in the name of STFU and staying positive I don't know if I did good here.

Last night my H went to the bar after work to watch the football game, which he has never done...and of course POS was there.

So, of obviously its not to my liking but I said nothing. When he leaned in to kiss my cheek on his way to work I stayed looking at my computer, even when he stared at me afterword, I didn't budge.

Was that good? Should I have at least made eye contact? He's acting "as if", I'm just not reacting.

This is so hard. How do I know what is right?

[Pudmuddle]

hi alba,

My h did the same thing last night. He has suddenly found interest in watching football games at bars. He's watched football before but never had this huge interest like now. I'm sure his POS was there too, but I don't know for sure. He did come home around 10 last night, whereas before he would've stayed out all night. I was in bed by then so didn't have to see him and then this morning I was SOOO tired because I didn't sleep good so I didn't have my room light on. He has been saying goodbye in the morning, but didn't get a chance to this morn. So I kind of did the ignore thing too.

Maybe since you were up and he kissed your cheek maybe have at least been polite? Just a simple Have a good day with a quick smile. That would have been you, acting 'as if'. That's what people keep telling me. Treat him like a roommate where you would treat him with simple politeness.

Our sitch's seem kind of similar. It's so hard, I know.

[albamarie]

Hi Pud,

I get what your saying, I wasn't very "as if" maybe only to his goodby. I was polite when he initiated conversation but I kept it simple, I didn't indulge in all the extra's that make a conversation fun.

It's just so hard for me to understand the longevity of it all. Sun. we went to meet my S26 new fiances parents and H was very present. That evening the grand-baby was over and H was indulging in that as well.

We live our lives around him and he ducks in and out. Over this time so much has changed and he holds on to the crises.

This is so hard and incomprehensible, I may just be going a little cuckoo myself.

[nero]

hey hi-

don't go cuckoo - hang on. it is really enough to drive you there- we just need to resist.

h fades in and out. one minute "there" - next off to la la land. sometimes i finally say "hey - i'm talkin to you? blah blah blah???(" if it's a question

i mean, really....

like linda, i'm kinda tired of stfu still tryin tho. sooo- our responses should be "as if" - i forget the rules sometimes.

been a bit wacked out lately- oh well huh? only human

hang on man- you have alot going there tht is good, wedding, baby- kids, etc. we can overcome this junk i think- (in the end, anyway) it's just a long long long ruggedie trail- this stinkin "hjourney" - not for the faint of heart-

but then, WHAT IS THE ALTERNATIVE - (*exactly"!!??

youuuuu knowwwww...

gotta keep swimming forward man-

xxoo

[RosaLinda]

Hey Dawn, I can see you're really trying here. I think you did well by not pulling away; I know how upset you have been about H continuing to see EA after you asked him not to.

I'm sorry you're going thru this too, Pud. My H is just having an EA right now, as his tramp is safely back in Russia, but it hurts that he spends an hour or two talking to her on skype. Yet I have to stfu. It would really hurt even more if he was actually seeing her in person and not just on the computer acreen, like you guys have to put up with.

But Dawn, I agree with PM in that maybe a smile or "have a nice day" would be nice. I know you're trying hard and are frustrated, but your H is trying too. He's trying to show you he loves and respects you the best he can right now. You know he does not have those feelings about EA. Maybe you could go back to holding his face?