It has been over a month since I started coming here. My first goal was to stop pleading, begging and crying and to simply pick myself off the floor and start moving forward. My reward to myself, if I could make this change for 30 days, was a trip to the spa for a relaxing massage.
Yesterday, I had my massage. It was the best one that I ever had, not only because it really was awesome, but because I earned every bit of it this past month. I spent my quiet time thinking back over the past few weeks. I only had one major backslide. But even that backslide showed me that things were different. Instead of H running away at the sight of my tears or getting very angry/mean, he stayed, we talked, he even cried and opened up. H is still very confused, but he is not filled with anger and resentment. I listened and validated. I did not yell or attack his character. We have stopped the horrible cycle that we were in for the past couple of years.
I thought about the next 30 days of this very long journey. It is now time for me to really start the difficult DB. I need to get off H's roller coaster. H may be confused, but I am not confused about what I want with my life and who I want to be. I have been so scared to let go, but I know that clinging to our old marriage and H will not get us anywhere.
During our conversation last week, H talked a lot about his IC. I can tell that he spends the majority of his time with his IC discussing me and my journey. I know that until H starts to focus on himself and really ask himself what he wants, he is going to remain confused and unable to make a decision. He will stay on the fence.
So I really need to take the next step in this journey. Although I would like to convince myself otherwise, I have not detached and have been clinging to the hope that H would come running back. It is just not going to happen, especially if I dont let go.
I am talking with my DB Coach today and cant wait to come up with a new list of goals. I am excited to see where I could be in thirty more days
