if i ever seriously figure out the trip thing- i'll let it be known.
i've done my best travelin with my sister & h- so will definintely need a traveling companion i think. was thinking about it in bed last nite- have to admit to self that traveling for me is allllll about having a good sidekick to share it with.
the wonderful things are nicer even when shared and "discoveed" with someone - and of course, the worst adventures are funniest when you're sharing them and laughing in retrospect about what a fiasco it all was- gotta have a bud. i might feel a bit "unsafe" alone.
that being said- i see myself for what i am i think. - i am a better person when i'm around other people. i'm probaly my best self when i'm "providing" something to or for someone else- i can exist successfully by myself, and i certainly neeeeeed alone time - but - i'm just happier - funnier- everything-ier when i'm sharin it .
it's okay and creepy too. i just "accidentally" called and kind of jokingly "yelled" at h for being inconsiderate - for not even wondering what the heck was up with me or how i feel - probably totally wrong dbing technique. i was just feeling like - HEY-
ME: ring ring - "hey HI- ARE YOU OKAY??? H: "(yes)" - me: "okay,good - then good by and drop dead"
him - wiat a minute, etc, blubber, etc. small ok or wierd-ish conversation.
he finally says- you have a phone too - you can call me. i HAVE TO RESPOND - yeah, how does that work again? i call and you're laying there in bed with someone else and i'm askin ya how your day was? what do i say? was it good for you??? you send me message you're "doin whatever you want" in life- and whattya think i think??? do ya think i feel "welcome" to call & intrude??? anytime??? geeeez -
what else??? no real response that means anything- idk
i hope i didn't say any thing too incredibly dopey- we didn't fite or anything-
my frustration spilled over a bit- is it soooo awful for him to know i'm a person and not some totaly cold & detached eunich? is it really what i want to be or have him or anyone think i am- a cold unfeeling detached un-needing of anything kind of person???
i actually wonder sometimes - because mwd says and everyone here says - that most of our h's are off SAVING some other poor sap they feel superior to. wtf - so what if part of the mix has to be that they feel we need them? not as in "goin under" all the time- as it to be more satisfied ^& happy in ourlives>??? is it that awful- javascript:%20void(0); yueah- iknow, major big mis-step. fell off my stfu wagon?
idk gang - wtf is the good of alllll this stuff anyway. i know i'm supposed to trust the process - what??? allll my "trust" in life shattered and blown to bits - across the board by my fam., mlc - life??? oh gee- i forgot i'm supposed ;to be better and more than i am - just a person here.
