Where am I at?

[Icecoldw]

I know she fell out of love with me because I lost myself. My parents D when I was a freshman in high school, lived with my mom and physically handicapped sister. I became the fixer, caretaker for them. Didn't really have a male role model around.

I have always conformed to others to gain approval. With my relationships, if they were not happy I was not happy, so I would do what it took to make them happy, regardless of my needs. Often times rewarding bad behavior.

Case in point, if was asked were I wanted to go for dinner, I would respond. Then they would say that doesn't sound good pick something else. So I would and they would say no not there. Then I would get mad and have them pick. After awhile I got tired of playing that game and would go passive.

I'm a layed back type of person. It takes a lot to make me mad. It comes across as being passive, I justify it as knowing when to pick my battles. Truth be known is I don't like the conformation.

After my first marriage, the way I dealt with the pain is by drinking it away. I was a mess. I met my second wife 5 years after, I was still drinking pretty heavy. She helped curb my drinking and truth be known also helped enable me. I never became violent but that is when I would voice what was on my mind, often would get angry. Yes I know that is another reason why she fell out of love with me.

I also gave up my control. She would not like my driving, I would let her drive. She didn't like my music, we would listen to hers etc. you get the picture. Again I thought this was all petty and not worth fighting over.

[Icecoldw]

I have also realized that she has lost respect for me and doesn't trust me. She hasn't said that to me but I know by my past actions, that is what happened.

When all this started, I asked my self why this Is happening to me again. I thought of my self as a good/nice guy. I was different from most men, I knew how to treat women. Why would they want someone that would treat them like crap? Why did they like the bad boy image? I found a book on line, No more mr nice guy, i ordered it and read it in two days. It was an eye opener, I understood for the first time why I acted and thought the way I did. The problem is there is what I think is a long process to be inter grated, a lot of going to the past and examine what happened in you childhood. I like the 180 approach much better. I know what faults I have and do 180 of that, so easy. Just wish my wife would stick around to see me transform. I did tell her that I could become the man she needed me to be in time, and wouldn't she want to be the one to reap the benefits instead of some one else.

[Icecoldw]

She is mad at me because she had to go out and buy a car, I made her do that. Not that she is choosing to file for D. Now I make her park on the street and not in the garage, she thinks I should park my car on the street and let her have the garage. I dive a service van for work and get to drive it home, so I only need to drive my car after work hours. In ways I think this is her way of trying to control the sit and I think I'm setting a boundary.

She is also getting mad at me because I am not telling her things. Our son missed a birthday party because I didn't tell her about it, the point is I laid the invitation on top of another one. She thought it was a craft and didn't look at it, so I'm the bad person because she didn't look at it, I needed to tell her. She has not been talking to me, so I have been following the nc rule.

In ways I think this is childish, but I feel she has been acting like a spoiled kid. Her childhood was not that good, her mom married three time, is a truck driver with her husband and she felt abandoned by them. Her father (her moms first marriage) quit speaking to her and has never made contact. They live in the same town. She ended up living with her grandparents that spoiled her.

I don't know if she is mlc or if she is a waw. She could go either way.

[Icecoldw]

I think the thing that made me so mad over the weekend is that she knew last weekend she was going to move out and didn't tell me. She just secretly started to move her stuff out like I wouldn't know. I asked her if last week she just woke up one morning and decided to move out. She said yes. Bs.

I'm trying not to sound mad or angry but it is very difficult right now, my hopes were crushed this weekend.

[AnotherStander]

No More Mister Nice Guy is a great read, glad you found it!

Now I make her park on the street and not in the garage, she thinks I should park my car on the street and let her have the garage. I dive a service van for work and get to drive it home, so I only need to drive my car after work hours. In ways I think this is her way of trying to control the sit and I think I'm setting a boundary.

Do you live in a cold climate? If so, your W may look at it this way- you drive a work van that you park outside anyway, so you're not using the garage yourself. Meanwhile a car that never gets driven is in the garage all the time. She could be enjoying coming and going from a nice, warm garage instead of trekking out into the cold every day. To her it may not make sense for a car that doesn't get used to take the prime garage space.

She is also getting mad at me because I am not telling her things. Our son missed a birthday party because I didn't tell her about it, the point is I laid the invitation on top of another one. She thought it was a craft and didn't look at it, so I'm the bad person because she didn't look at it, I needed to tell her. She has not been talking to me, so I have been following the nc rule.

"No contact" doesn't apply to kid stuff. When it comes to the kids you should by all means communicate with your W. And if your NC is making things worse instead of better, then do something different. Remember the chapter about cheeseless tunnels?

[Icecoldw]

Thanks another stander, looking at my actions for another perspective, I realized I was trying to control the sit and because I'm hurt I was acting childish. I have conceded the garage to the w until she moves out. By the looks of the basement, it will not be long.

As far as the bday party, that was my fault because I missed the RSVP. I was trying to be proactive and not rely on w to make all the arrangements. Since August, the w has stopped doing anything around the house. Just stuff that pertains to her.

I feel numb today because I think it is finally setting in that she is leaving. I have been looking at my past actions and can't really blame her, I realize I have caused her great pain and didn't mean to. I'll be going wed to see my pastor, I think I am becoming depressed. I haven't really been able to sleep all that we'll and the number of days that I go to the gym has dropped from 5 to 2. I can't believe that i will be turning 48 Christmas and I'm going to have to start my life all over again. At this point I do not think I will marry again, just to much pain to deal with when the other person decides that they don't love you anymore.

[Icecoldw]

I don't understand why she is accelerating the time that she's moving out, she was going to stay until spring. She did tell me she did not want to prolong this anymore and give me a false since of security of her staying to work things out. To me, right before the holidays is not good timing and I don't know how that is going to affect our son. She said he probably will not notice that much, just know that he will be going over to grandmas on the weekend. I don't think so because last night she left before we (son and me) went to bed, and this morning when I was taking him to school, he noticed her car was here and he knew she was home.

[Icecoldw]

The thing that I am trying to wrap my head around is that since my brothers D,a year and a half, I think she was a waw, I have been asking my w if we were ok. She never once indicated that there was any thing wrong. I think there were too many changes in her life in such a short time. In June, she went from a stay at home mom to working s, she went to the dr and I think he shook her up because that is when she really started to go to the gym, her son signed up for the marines, her x is getting remarried, they will be having a baby and of course our finances.

She has told me that all she wants to do right now is be with her friends. I was thinking her two gf but I'm thinking her new friends at work as well. found out that her one friend who has been having an affair for the past 5 years, broke it off with her bf a couple of mths ago, around June, and that her and her husband are not getting along.

[Icecoldw]

Listening to my w this weekend, she said I was always neutral about my feelings or showing feelings. Right now,I feel like I am bi-polar, she even agreed. So by me losing my temper this weekend, is that a good 180 or bad? I mean if I were neutral, by showing something wouldn't that show some passion?

I was talking to a female friend to day, I have been talking to her to get a female perspective, and she said that maybe why my w wants out quicker is because maybe she is seeing the changes and getting scared she might change her mind and stay. She also thinks that maybe there is no om and that her friends are influencing her decision. She is having some issues of her own and her gf said she could move in with her and that got her thinking.

I know that when my w started this job, she was put in with a group of people that seemed to click. She would tell me( when she use to talk to me ) how much fun they would have and would stick around after work and talk. Now that group has been split up, not as much fun. That is when I think she started to cook us dinner again and I thought she was coming back.

I am just so damn confused right now and the pain is incredible at times. It's hard to focus on me when I was brought up to be selfless and to help people, to sacrifice my needs. I think that is why I spent 26 years in the military ( active army and air national guard) and why I am a service tech. I fix equipment that is broken, that is why it is hard for me to not try and fix what's wrong in my relationships. To stand by and watch some one you love struggle and try not help is extremely hard. Something I have to over come.

[FlyOnTheWall]

Ice, damn, your a mess, I've been there, oh how I've been there.
Its so early that everyday your bouncing off the walls, cant work, cant eat, don't sleep, and you just don't care. I lost 45 lbs the first 2 months cause I think I ate once a week if that.

The worst thing you can do to yourself is ask why? ask what if? or ask why not? There will be no answers that will either make sense or that you'll be happy with. Don't try to do things hoping your wife will notice, im sorry, really sorry but right now, she doesn't care at all, no matter what you do.

This is a time that you really need to find things for yourself to do to keep you busy. I know it feels IMPOSSIBLE, and at times your mind will take over, but you are going to have to letting it control you. The other thing is, and its fairly common, STOP taking all the blame, understand your part, and work on some of that but she's just as at fault as you are. Your letting your guild cripple you right now, been there done that. I promise this gets easier over time.

Understand that it took your marriage YEARS to get to this point, and it might, if possible, take YEARS to address. I'm saying this because if you think theres a chance she's home by xmas, its HIGHLY unlikely. Maybe even not by next xmas.

Get into some counseling please, it will help with some of your interactions, or reactions by some of your reads. Try to understand believe none of what she says, and half of what she does. It might even get worse before it can get better. Its best to detach (the mother of all pain to get there).

Right now, the affair is fun, non-responsible, no rules, everything she's missed out on in life, and the blame could get even worse, so prepare. DO NOT BRING IT UP, learn to not go there, stop asking questions, get out of the house yourself, with friends or family and do your best to have your own outlets.

Wish I could come pick your butt up and get you out of the house, its important that you do that. Its important that you find things to do. Stay strong, did you pick up a copy of the Divorce Remedy yet?