I wish I had found this website earlier and got the book Divorce Busters earlier too. I'm afraid that I've made some really bad mistakes since finding out, and may have damaged my marriage even more than it was when I first found out.
I'm 44, my wife 40, 3 kids 11, 9,8. I make a comfortable living, we live in a nice house, I thought we had a nice life together. About 1.5 years ago my wife started a new career in residential real estate. Prior to that she was a housewife and worked part time when the kids got a little older. I had reservations about her being a RE agent because I know the job entails working on weekends, and after work hours, because that's when your client have time. Sure enough, after she started the job, she was out 2-3 times a week a night, and usually on Sunday afternoons. At first I put up with it, even though I felt she was neglecting our family and me. Then about July/Aug she really started going out 3,4, sometimes 5 nights a week. She even when out on my birtday.
Prior to this I trusted my wife fully. She didn't seem the type to be unfaithful. But I started to worry, not only from the frequency of her going out, but I could sense something was wrong between us. I checked on of her email accounts and found a string of emails with another man. The subject was beyond normal friendship. I confronted her right away, and she admitted an emotional affair. I was in shock, very sad, felt desperate in a panic. The next couple days I wanted to talk aobut it, but she didn't seem like she wanted to. But we did talk, and I said she needs to end the relationship. She said she would but needed to talk to the guy in person one last time. Two days later my wife and the other man, met at a hotel and made the affair a physical one. I later found out that I caught her right at the peak of the affair. I lost it from that point on. Anger set in big time. I wanted to leave the house, but she convinced me to stay me. I asked her if she didn't love me anymore and if she wanted a divorce. She said she loved me less, but was not considering divorce. The next couple weeks I got angry every two or three days and we fought. I kept snooping and found out the guys name, where he lives, his wifes name, where he works. She really didn't like this and said my anger and snooping makes her love me even less. That made me even more angry. She said she needs time to figure out what she wants to do. She even did an initial consultation with a divorce atty. So did I, after I found out she did. When I ask why she had the affair, she says that although our marriage was comfortable and not bad, it lacked fun/romance. This is true, because I felt the same way since her new career. I even tried to communicate with her about this. She claims she tried to talk to me, but I can't remember any attempt. And why not do that when I tried to communicate about the same issue?
My wife never really showed any remorse or empathy about how much she has hurt me. Although she has always been the type of person who is very reserved about showing her feelings. But I still thing for something major like this, some feelings would be shown. She only cried once when I found out they had sex. And another time when she asked how can I still love her, and I said I loved the way she was before the affair.
The same pattern continued for several weeks, I would find out or suspect something was going one between them and confront her with anger. She got a second cell phone, to protect her privacy (her regular cell phone is under my name/acct). We did see a MC. MC recommended she spend some time away from me which she did, about a week. MC told her to have some kind of decision on what she wanted to do after a week. During the week she admitted seeing the other man couple times, and supposedly no sex. After the 1 week separation, she came back and said she doesn't think we can reconcile. So I asked her, do you want a divorce then. I never got a straight answer. But agreed to give he more time to think about it if she promised No contact with the other guy. In the meantime, I contacted the other guys wife. My wife and the other guy know I sent his wife a letter. But they do not know we've been in constant contact since then. We even met in person a few times. So we've been sharing information on our respective spouses whereabouts. It seems like my wife is still in contact with the other man. She got a new laptop, which he probably bought for her.
The same pattern continues where I get angry,except less frequently, maybe once a week. At some point I realized getting angry has not helped. In fact I realize it probably pushed my wife further away as well as the snooping. So my goal was to not get angry even when I feel it, do not confront her if I think I found out something , and don't tell her I'm still snooping (although less than before as it just triggers more anger). I told my attorney to file for divorce. Mainly because I can't stand this situation. I know 10-11 weeks is not long. But I really cant handle it. I lost 22 lbs (15% of my body weight), I have trouble sleeping, I keep focusing on my wife/the affair, I'm so suspicious. If my wife agreed to end the affair and let me at least verify it somehow, I could wait longer. But I'm reasonably sure it is still going on. Maybe no physically, but emotionally and there is definitely communication between them still.
My wife was supposed to be served with the divorce papers last week, but I think the process server was busy. Then I found this website and the DB book. And I realized how much I messed things up even more by my actions and anger. Since I found this website, I've been nicer to my wife. Not puppy dog nice. But I just do the normal things I used to do before I found out about the affair. I cook sometimes, help with her work questions (I'm a commercial RE agent), I try to talk to her more about regular stuff (not the affair or our relationship). We still live in the same house, eat dinner with the family, take care of the kids. But she has been sleeping in my daughter rooms for several weeks. And refuses any physical contact with me. So I stopped even trying to do that. Anyway the last fews days has been okay. I feel less anger, but I am still very worried/suspicious every time my wife has to go out. The frequency has returned to a normal 2-3 times a week. We have been polite to each other. It almost feels like before except without the affection/physical contact/sex.
I'm worried about her reaction once she get's served. I regret filing for divorce. But feel like I can't back down as I implied that I would do that. I feel like I should have given my wife more space and time to think things over. Instead I've been a monster of anger, distrust, sadness, and that's all she has seen prior to the last few days.
Any advice? I still love my wife. She was a good wife and mother until the affair. I don't know if she just temporarily lost her way. Or if she has changed permanently into someone else. I fear what will happen to our family. I feel like our marriage at least deserves that we try to fix things. If we can't at least we tried. And that would be easier to live with. But so far, she has not said she wants to try. Probably because I've been a total jerk until earlier this week.
